Here I go again, getting all hyped up about court. The date is Feb 21st, at 2pm.

Looks like he will be going to jail for sure, well we will see.

I was thinking for my own SELF PRESEVERATION to write a letter for the proscutor and the public defender, to ask for no jail, but to add to his probation AA, Therapy, Community Service, along with what he has already.

I am just so afraid that when he does get out, which wouldn't be that long, max is 6 mos, and he won't get that. He will be in more of a rage, plus then what happens to the DV intervention 36 class's he started? Plus he will lose his job, etc. He will be real mad at me. Because he blames me for everything and anything.

Then I feel like a jerk doing that, because he will think I am doing that for him.

Then I think, let fate take its course.

Maybe I should stop thinking, but my mind won't shut off.

Just Nikko - venting again with this getting real old SAGA.

Nikko

HUGS. Its just human to think, and worry. So you go right ahead.

WE aren't going to desert you. WE want to hear it. So keep it
going. WE will be here for you.

I have no way of helping you but I wish I did.

Donna

I have decided to let fate take it's course, or carma or whatever you call it.

I can't do anything for him anymore, this is something he has to deal with, not me. I'm done after I just make my appearence in court.

That is my final answer....ha

Hugs, Nikko

See my DV counsler on Wed. we already spoke on the phone about the things I was thinking of doing for my own self preseveration (safety).

I will be fine, got this far, right?

Dear Nikko,
You are holding together tough. I'm impressed.
Mari

Nikko,
These things have a system and plan that the court follows. It is really in their hands and up to the set standards to implement them. This si to protect women or victims. If they lower their standards what recourse would the next victim have.

It seems your ex has a problem following court orders; any orders! It does him no good to get a slap on the wrist or another break. How the court deals with offenders that don;t get it needs to be followed, for your safety and for him to get it to sink in. There are consquenses to things in life and who the heII does he think he is making his own rules.

There is a thing called Stockholm syndrome, don't sympathise with him over your own safety.
Di

I have to look up the Stockhom Syndrome now.

Maybe it will explain my situation and how I am feeling.

Hugs, nikko

http://www.mental-health-matters.com....php?artID=469
Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
By Joseph M. Carver, PhD

Mental Health Professional
Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Joe Carver's Website


Dr. Carver has thirty years of clinical experience in a variety of settings including inpatient, outpatient, private practice, state hospitals, child-protective agencies, community mental health centers, neuro-rehabilitation, and now juvenile correctional facilities. He is currently in private practice and the Psychology Supervisor at Ohio River Valley Juvenile Correctional Facility.

"In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as "I know what he's done to me, but I still love him", "I don't know why, but I want him back", or "I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her". Recently I've heard "This doesn't make sense. He's got a new girlfriend and he's abusing her too…but I'm jealous!" Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn't make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is - Yes!

On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees "The party has just begun!" The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.

After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had "bonded" emotionally with their captors.

While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as "Stockholm Syndrome" due to the publicity – the emotional "bonding" with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:

Abused Children
Battered/Abused Women
Prisoners of War
Cult Members
Incest Victims
Criminal Hostage Situations
Concentration Camp Prisoners
Controlling/Intimidating Relationships
In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation. The "Stockholm Syndrome" reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual. In fact, it is often encouraged in crime situations as it improves the chances for survival of the hostages. On the down side, it also assures that the hostages experiencing "Stockholm Syndrome" will not be very cooperative during rescue or criminal prosecution. Local law enforcement personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges, bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attack police officers when they arrive to rescue them from a violent assault.

Stockholm Syndrome (SS) can also be found in family, romantic, and interpersonal relationships. The abuser may be a husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, father or mother, or any other role in which the abuser is in a position of control or authority.

It's important to understand the components of Stockholm Syndrome as they relate to abusive and controlling relationships. Once the syndrome is understood, it's easier to understand why victims support, love, and even defend their abusers and controllers."


The Stockholm Syndrome comes into play when a captive cannot escape and is isolated and threatened with death, but is shown token acts of kindness by the captor. It typically takes about three or four days for the psychological shift to take hold.

A strategy of trying to keep your captor happy in order to stay alive becomes an obsessive identification with the likes and dislikes of the captor which has the result of warping your own psyche in such a way that you come to sympathize with your tormenter!

The syndrome explains what happens in hostage-taking situations, but can also be used to understand the behavior of battered spouses, members of religious cults, Holocaust victims, household pets, and perhaps even users of Internet Explorer. I think it may also help explain the popularity of government and of the mass institutionalization of young people.

The Stockholm syndrome is a psychological response sometimes seen in an abducted hostage, in which the hostage exhibits loyalty to the hostage-taker, in spite of the danger (or at least risk) in which the hostage has been placed. Stockholm syndrome is also sometimes discussed in reference to other situations with similar tensions, such as battered person syndrome, rape cases, child abuse cases, and bride kidnapping.

Hi Di, How are you doing?

I looked up the SS too. It does explain how I wanted to write the letter to protect myself. I don't love him anymore, I have forgivven him in my own sense, to move on and rid myself of the hurt and heal.

The article you sent me made me realize even more, that I should not do this.

I just thought if I did, I wouldn't have to worry about my safety anymore, especially if he gets jail then gets out.

The judge did say he is going to jail on the 21st. so we will see.

I am going to let fate takes it course, it really isn't in my hands, it is the State vs him, so it is probably already all set, I don't really know.

Thank you so much for taking the time for me, when you are grieving and having the most difficult time in your life.

Lots of Hugs, Nanc

N, I agree with letting whatever happens happen! Try not to woorry too much, but I can imagine that's hard to do...Andrea had to go to traffic court yesterday morninng, my husband took her so I didn't have to miss work again. He was amazed - she did real well, was composed, too. She did worry ahead of time, tho

Take care!

((((((Nikko)))))),

I hope -- more than anything -- that this will be the end of the crap for you. This has been way too long. I admire your strength.

Di is right. Let destiny take him and run with him. When he finally feels results for actions that he's taken, it'll have more of an effect than you intervening for him again.

I was married to a man like that. He'll finally totally let you go when he gets someone else. In the meantime, 6 months with no contact or "accidentally running into you" will do a lot to calm down the anger. He'll be too busy protecting his @$$ in prison to be thinking as much about you.

Every time you start to feel the panic ramping up between now and the court-date, take a nice DEEP BREATH and feel the freedom to breathe and the freedom to "just BE" now that he's out of your life.

Every day and every step takes you further and further away from him and away from the abuse.

Now's the time for you to start creating that life that you DESERVE.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb