yesterday and today seem like hard days for me. i am plagued by worries. i am not being proactive. everything seems like one big chore. i am happy that Yom Kippur is over, the holiest day of the year, the day of repentance.
love
bobby

thanks Mari,
i don't know if that will help me because i fall asleep and then wake up usually in a couple of hours. I am glad it helps you. I will try calling on the white light though. that sounds interesting.
thanks again
bobby

You're special.
 

Dear Bobby,
I'm so sorry these days are worrisome for you. I wonder whether a good night's sleep wouldn't works wonders for so many of us. Like you, I awaken every couple hours no matter what. I usually am able to get to sleep quickly with meditation, but still I awaken as if an alarm were set.
And I wake about 3:30 am in whatever time zone, I've discovered. Now I get up, bundle up, & take advantage of the lack of air/light pollution + the elevation & do some stargazing.
In FL tho I try to go back to sleep. Pain often prevents it. Do you have pain at night? Or is it thoughts?
Try to find something special to do for yourself. You're a very special person--love coming at you with hugs. & not just from me, I know.

Dear Bobby

I know what you mean how everything seems a chore. even changing the channels on the tv has been hard for me... lately... often i have to get up because the remote has "been transplanted."

try not to plague yourself about being proactive. you did a lot for sometime, and maybe you need a break.

i did not know Yom Kippur was the day of repentance... i understand how one might be relieved it is over. at least by happy i am hearing relief. i am happy with you that it is over. ironically, it sounds like it should be liberating, but that instead it has a stressful effect. sigh. :(

sending big hugs to you, with much love

~ waves ~

thank you so much. i am sorry i haven't answered sooner. i just lifted myself out of a fog.i have been worried big time over money. i keep on worrying that i am going to be homeless down the road. i have been torturing myself. also my tv just broke and i had to buy a new one. i hate change. yesterday at the senior center a woman mentioned that she has a black and white tv and a line running through the middle of it and she thinks she should probably get a new tv set but she is waiting. i felt like such a spoiled brat. I took it as a sign. i don't focus on what i have right now but what will possibly happen down the road. lately i have been doing a rerun of my life. my bipolar has really gotten in the way of my life. i went to a good college. now i don't know how i ever graduated. i even majored in latin...a really dumb move. i hate being bored. i think it is a form of torture for me i can't stand. i have a high iq but my performance thanks to my bipolar doesn't measure up. I thought of all the other professions i might have pursued and i couldn't come up with any that probably would have worked out. I was great as a child psychologist but i took all the problems home with me and most of the time i was very depressed....has anything changed? I was just okay with programming. when i substitute taught i was too stimulated by the many children. i could only really do one on one. Now i am helping my cleaning woman with
English when she finishes early. the agency isn''t supposed to know that she finishes early so we have to be careful. She says i have a lot of patience but she doesn't know that sometimes i feel like exploding. she really has trouble with some sounds and i haven't figured out a way to get her to overcome her problems. At least i feel useful. I am still calling my friend who lost her husband once a week and try desperately not to talk about myself. I try not to be negative but just hear what she is saying. when i try to lighten the conversation, it is about kitty cats. she is a devotee along with me.
oh well, i have an appointment with my social worker this morning. i will try to have her help me sort out what is realistic worry about money and what is over the edge.
bobby

I hope your social worker will help you to feel better.
As you know, so much worry is terrible for your health.
I wish I could take some of your worries away.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

we talked a lot about money and she wrote down all my expenses. we talked about suicide and how i probably wouldn't do it down the road and she said she wouldn't write it in the notes. i felt better talking about it. it was a good session. talking about my fears somehow lessened them. i did something today. i didn't pay for the lunch after the session. it is a voluntary contribution. i really felt paranoid and was waiting for some repercussion but the woman said nothing and i got my meal. will i have the courage to do it next week. we will see
bobby feeling humilated

I understand how you felt.
Can you see, though, that no one pays when a contribution is at issue? Contributions are what people are invited to make at the Seabird Sanctuary in FL after they've visited the injured wildlife & seen the homes they have now that they can't return to their native environment. Most people don't make contributions. We appreciate the ones who can & do, but we're happy to have all visitors.
But I'm sorry you felt so badly. :heartthrob:

Bobby,
I remember a conversation I had with a dental hygienist whose first language was French. She was trying to improve her English. She was considering taking a class either in accent reduction or in grammar. I told her to work on grammar so that she can be understood. Grammar is more important and easier than working on sounds.
Maybe you can recommend a tv show so that she can listen to English vocabulary and rhythm.

M

Dear Bobby,

BlueCarGirl is right. You don't have to pay for the lunch. The group in charge of the lunch is more interested in providing for their people than in their contributions.
I'm thankful that you have a social worker who is supportive and focused on your needs.

Regarding the woman with the black and white tv: I wonder if she qualifies for a new tv in a program that might provide tv's. She could possibly write a letter asking for a company or other organization to donate a new or gently used tv. At any rate, it is rarely useful to compare what we have to others -- whether they have more or less than what we do. Still, I understand the impulse. Before I left work Friday night around 7:30 I wanted to call to pick up two slices of pizza to take home. I felt a little uncomfortble because I felt that perhaps the student who had spent the last two hours with with me might have wanted some pizza too. I ended up giving her some money before we both left to go home. She said she was going to use it to put gas in her car. If I had not been ordering food for myself in front of her, I might not have done that.
I think you are providing great comfort to your recently widowed friend by consistently talking to her once a week. You provide stability for her.
You did graduate Bobby. That counts. Lots of us wonder how we graduated. You are not alone in that for sure.

M