Dear Bobby

yes sometimes it can be lonely being with others. even social interactions can be empty. and it takes energy to have to hide depression. i do it "automatically" sometimes, and it is a real drag. it wears me down.

but also depression can cause us to minimize good things and magnify bad. a friend called today and caused me to realize, as i do from time to time, how terribly negative i am about my surroundings. the most i seem to be able to do is recognize it though, and tell myself that my vision might be skewed by depression. i have to take it on faith though, because i can't seem to change the outlook.

so you had a bad day at the center. but other days it has been good. logic does not suggest it will always be bad... because it hasn't been so far.

you might not find a lot of folks with whom you have a lot in common. but you are bound to find at least one or two with whom you have enough in common to make for pleasant company.

i wish we weren't so far away and could get together. i would love to have lunch with you. i bet we'd crack a bunch of raunchy jokes. (raunchy/cynical seems to be most of what comes out of me lately, unfortunately :o)

:hug::hug::hug:

love

~ waves ~

i wish we lived closed together even though there is a disparity between our ages. I don't think it would matter. I think the loneliness would disappear. I was thinking a little while ago i could have been married a few times,maybe four but boy what messes thoses would have been. It is really creepy how fast older age comes on you...it pounces like a kitty cat...
it is very hard to meet very bright people...period. with sense of humors...double period...I think a lot of bipolar people fit that description. a lot of normals are just normal. they can't share our view of the world and when we are alone we might really tend to feel isolated because the world is monopolized by the "normals"....
it does take a lot of energy to hide ones depression and someones i wonder if it is worth it. it does minimize good things and magnify the bad things because the depression doesn't allow us to feel the good in the good things. it isn't that we take them for granted...it is just that we can't feel them. you are right about meeting one or two whose company i can enjoy at least for forty minutes or less.
love
bobby

Nothing in common
 

Dear Bobby,

I'm with you in feeling that I have nothing in common with other people. Maybe if I met other folks with bipolar I would feel connected, but I'm not sure even about that. In some ways I feel locked in my own world.

Part of that isolation is that I am tired and if I am not tired I am on a different schedule from others.
Another part is likely caused by the meds -- and that is huge.
Another part could be whatever is going on in my head with the bipolar.

But the biggest part is that I don't see the world the same way as other folks. I do feel different. I notice that I am not concerned about the same things that others seem to be. I don't even want to talk about what they talk about. Sometimes, talking seems like too much effort anyway.

Very likely there are other people I run into who have silent brain disorders, but I am not going to chance it and open up to them. I'm not sure that we would necessarily have much to say even then.

I guess I am low energy right now.


I wish that you were feeling better.

M.

Another part is likely caused by the meds -- and that is huge
could you explain that a little? i might know what you are talking about but never thought about it before.
i am sorry you feel like this too.
right now the only thing i can come up with is trying again to connect with my higher power. I told myself I was going to start reading Psalms but so far I haven't been able to....I am also sort of scared to. I am afraid of disconnecting more with the world.
your post made me feel better in a selfish way because it made me feel that i am not alone in my feelings.
thank you so very much
bobby

Dear Bobby

with the fear of reading the Psalms for disconnecting more... is it that you are afraid of becoming too caught up in it?

might it help to frame it? maybe decide on say, 15 minutes - or however much time you think is right. but only once per day. and set a timer or an alarm to alert you when time's up.

love

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,
I've been thinking about what you wrote here.
I'll get back to you tonight (Monday -- I think of my days funny because it is still night and I am going to go to sleep now).

Last week was a hard week at work --- first week back with lots of meetings and lots of taking care of the 3 new hires. We don't have good senior folks to help. Folks are trying to deal with the chaos of admin as best they can.
Tomorrow (Monday) is the first day of class.
I'm worn out and happy.
Students have lots of energy on the first day: they want to please, they are hopeful, . . .

Take care.
M.

Dear Mari,

this sounds comfortable and peaceful. i am happy for you.

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,

For one thing, many of us (not all) with bp have to limit stimulation. That takes me out of lots of events and activities. The grocery store is a lot of work for me even though I have it down to a science -- very small store in my neighborhood where staff recognize me but don't bother me most of the time -- go about 35 minutes before closing so I run into few customers,
I am not aware of much going on in popular culture, have not been to a movie theater in about 5 or 6 years, not been to hear live music since much longer, not even a book reading as any of them would require too many steps -- planning, driving, parking, talking to people,

OK. Some of this sounds like depression and some sounds like personality. But part of it is bp. I don't participate in life. I spend tons of energy to be in my life, to survive it.
Also, more than other folks who are able minded and able bodied, I am aware of the fragility of life and see it as a given that this could be over. I don't need to plan anything for the future . . .

Yes, as I write this I do hear depression and personality issues and the meds (mostly Verapmil does this to be by slowing me down.) But the Verapmil is only here because of the bipolar so they are one and the same sort of.

I guess I see people without bipolar as unencumbered. They have lighter loads.

I think my point is that bipolar separates me from other people.

M.

what you wrote was fascinating....especially the idea that a lot of the behavior is not necessarily caused by depression....but that we feel we are carrying such a load....when I was much younger I felt that load but I was so stubborn and determined I constantly fought it. Now I am just too tired and can't take any pressure or feel I can't take any pressure. that is terrifying...i never gave into feelings of helplessness when i was young and now I am so scared of those feelings. I thought you were going to write that the medications slowed us down so much that they made us aware of those helpless feelings. You didn't mean that did you? That was fascinating that you are aware that life is fragile. I think that is so good. Life is fragile really.
None of us really have that much control. I forgot the expression but something like man plans and God laughs.
I really appreciate your response. You made me feel less alone and less threatened.
bobby

Dear Bobby,

The medications do slow me down but this feeling that I am not of the world goes beyond the meds. I think I feel that I am separate from the world and it is indeed isolating.

After being in the hospital for being out of control ( or whatever version of what one experiences when one is not medicated),
I have felt separate, that I could unravel at any moment.

The bipolar leads me. I used to say that I checked in with it everybmorning to make sure I was paying attention to it and taking care. Now I don't have to check in.
It is pretty much in change.

I'm not sure what I am talking about, but I think we share some same perspectives.

M.