thanks Mari & Bobby :) :heartthrob:

yes i was amazed at sleeping in the night. i have a chat appointment tonight so i may not get to sleep very early...erhhmmm... :rolleyes:

i am noticing more energy. i noticed this before - other than those days when i was not breathing right - i was pretty sapped then. but i had been noticing it before then... and am again now. it is not excessive energy by any means. it is activation but well within the range of a healthy and sane. instead of the deadbeat i always am.

and i seem to be naturally jovial, etc. talking to me, you wouldn't think i'm depressed. if i take a "slice" of my behavior i go, geez, you're not depressed! what are you doing on Zoloft...

but i actually know. i mean, the joking stuff is... shallow? i don't know how to explain. i seem to have this... existential depression... i tried playing/singing today, and i had to stop. i felt dead inside. i feel that way a lot. and that is one of the reasons i decided to start the Zoloft.

~ waves ~

i am so sorry that you feel dead inside....that is a pretty great description of bipolar depression....and why we lack motivation....at least i think so...how to connect to the outside when you feel dead inside...pretty heruculean task.
then do you notice that suddenly it disappears for no rhyme or reason...it just isn't there anymore until it comes back...
love you
bobby

well. it was a good day, everything considered. it was uneventful - uneventful is good - it isn't stressful. my friend stood me up in chat oh well, it happens. we'll catch up later in the week i suppose. also i got an email from my good friend today asking if she can call... something to look forward to. she is the closest i have to a sister. i miss her so much. i have had a letter accumulating to her over months... perpetually waiting to be mailed... i am a dreadful correspondent.

i don't know if i ever posted that i did get the application letter somewhat done... several days ago... dunno if i'm satisfied with it ... will tinker some more. i was meaning to take it in in person, but perhaps i will email it in, and then go to the place in person a few days later.

tomorrow i told my mom i would go to the mall with her. it's not so much that i want to, but i thought i'd get myself out of the house. they have a free shuttle that services my area on tuesdays. it is air conditioned and the mall is air conditioned. at least i will have some cool air. :cool:

i am going to try to sleep now. i am not particularly tired but i might be able to sleep. maybe i will make some coffee first. (:eek: decaf! ;))

~ waves ~

indeed. connecting to the outside doesn't happen a whole lot. it's almost as though there is an emotional veil there.

and yes it does go in waves. especially the depth goes in waves. with me it seldom disappears completely but it does shift into the background sometimes, and simply attenuates at other times. then it comes over me again like a big black clumpy cloud. and sometimes just lands on me like a ton of bricks. i don't know how many times i've woken up and thought, "here goes. why do i have to be alive all over again."

i have been in a brighter mood the past few days. but it seems to hold only as long as i stay in a sort of cocoon. when i reach out and start doing things that are somehow an investment, it falls apart... like today. maybe the Zoloft will help it not fall apart as quickly or as much.

love you too :hug:

~ waves ~

Did you get to the mall today with your mom?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Hope if you got to the mall you had a peaceful type visit.

I went to the mall on Sunday. With Daughter-in-law, granddaughter,
grandson, Devin, Derrick.

Quite a big group.

Donna

hi yes i went to the mall. it was ok. i was a little punchy between the not-sleeping, the zoloft, and caffeine. but not bad. the noise started to bother me towards the end. it is only a small mall and we were there for just over an hour. mostly just getting groceries - there is a huge grocery mega-store.

i told my mom i thought the zoloft was making me a little punchy and she said, "really? well... but not all that much - you were really down for a while." so i guess the depression was more evident than i even realized.

i napped on the couch later but did not sleep much - it is very uncomfortable. i slept again during the night this time though. only about 4 hours but that's ok.

i think i may have a pulled something-or-other in my back. it has felt sore and usually massaging or putting pressure on some areas helps. this time, it made me 10 times worse!!! i don't know what i did. i hope it goes away!

~ waves ~

Zoloft progress
 

Day 4 on 50 mg (again).

i got more sleep this morning. i am going to pdoc today. i hope he says it's ok to stay on the Zoloft with the other stuff going on. i think so though.

as far as activation:
- the psychomotor agitation is gone. no more foot jigs.
- the mind has quietened too. no more dumb songs getting stuck on repeat in my head, kinda loud and insistent ... hard to explain.

i also feel less energy today overall... the good stuff went away with the bad. oh well. sigh.

still noticed some tooth clenching but it seems less compared to a couple days ago also.

~ waves ~

I hope your pdoc appointment went well.
HOw are you today?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thinking about you :hug:

Hoping everything is good !