Jack has said he still wants to move in June and though part of me thinks he's not serious and part of me thinks he is. I can't handle a move into a rental house. I just can't. And then there's the anxiety over money creeping up. I just cannot handle the uncertainty of our future finances, its good now but it can change in July if we don't get renewed by then. I don't want to talk about it much other then what I said above.

On the good news front, Jackie is going to Sea World on Tuesday with his class, I am really excited for him, I hope he does well, I just don't know how well its going to go so I am pretty anxious about it. I wish it was over with already. Then we have spring break not this week but next. I hate that because kiddo doesn't like to go back when its over with. Its frustrating for us because he gets in this mood where he is noncooperative with bathing and we really have to work at convincing him to get in to the shower.

I hope that he has a good time at Sea World but I am probab ly going to have to take a couple of ativan's to get through it. They won't be back until 7 pm so that is awkward. He's probably going to want to eat then too, so I will have to reheat dinner for him. I just have so much anxiety about this field trip. They have one on one ratios for the kids, so each kid has an adult, but even so its worrying me, I talked to the teacher and they wil accommodate Jackie's needs, but it's going to be hardest on me I think because of waiting in that parking lot while they are on the way home.

Good grief, this kid and his obsession with holey things, My stupid seat cushion has some holes in it and he ripped up one to be twice as big as it was before he fiddled with it while I was sitting here. Sheesh, I wish he'd stop ripping up things. Its really frustrating and makes me buy his shirts from a thrift store instead of new, I bought some brand new shorts and have to sew them up because they have developed a new hole right in the center of the crotch and if he sees it forget it they will be shredded. *sigh*

Thanks for letting me vent everyone, I am just feeling so anxious I have been taking two .5's a day of my ativan to combat the physical symptoms of anxiety that i just can't cope with. I think the stomach in knots is the worst, the racing heartbeat, well I can overlook that easier then i can the stomach sensations....Hope your weekend is going well, mine's been okay, except for a migraine yesterday.

Well now jackie is acting like he doesn't want to go, so I don't feel confident in sending him to the park. I think he's just not ready for it. So I don't want him to go, he's saying "No, not going" when I ask him if he wants to go to Sea World, so I really think it would be too much for him....Oh well, it's nice he had the chance to go...

Dear Pam,

I hope that you can stay in your current house.
It makes sense to me that Jackie should take the lead on whether on not he wants to go to Sea World. Either way, it will be ok.
M.

Thanks Mari, I agree Jackie needs to want to go or else it won't be a good thing. He grabbed onto me and said, "Scared, so scared" when I showed him video of the one Shark encounter where you walk through a tube and see sharks everywhere, but I think it was the tube part that scared him and not the sharks so much. I don't think he should go, his dad thinks he should, but I don't...We'll see, I am going to call the teacher on Monday and see what she thinks....Have her ask him there at school about it, if he says NO then he shouldn't go.

Dear Pam,
Yes. The teacher knows Jackie very well.
She should lister to your concerns.
M.

hi pammy,

I am sorry that you are dealing with your anxiety.
I wish you hand more security AND LESS WORRYING.
IT IS OK TO TAKE THE ANTI ANXIETY MEDS THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE THERE FOR.
HOPE THEY ARE HELPING YOU.
(((((hugs))))))
BIZI

Dear Pam

i can appreciate how stressful this all is. not saying i know, coz i don't, but i can try to immagine and even that is like... whoa.

whn you said you wish it were already over. hold that thought. i mean, keep in mind that no matter what, whether jackie stays home, goes and loves it, goes and hates it...... there is a definite time frame for this trip, and it WILL ALL BE OVER after that, and you WILL all recover.

yeah i could see eating ativan on a day like that. don't worry about it. it doesn't sound like you over-use it at all. don't suffer needlessly. when you say a couple ativans i wondered if you meant over the course of the day or how close together. if you have flexibility in how you can use them, then take a higher dose if that's what you need.

i take it too but mine are a higher dosage - indeed, sometimes i only need half, and i go with that. on the flip side, sometimes i need more than one and unless i am in a situation where alertness has to win out over residual anxiety, i will take what i think i need to reel me in, rather than take a little, then a little more, etc.

i find that using the "right" dose one time, is more effective, than using lots of mini doses.

----------------------------

i hope, for jackie, that he decides he wants to go to sea world, and that he is able to enjoy it.

and if he goes, i wonder, for you, if there is any way someone can call you from the field trip, and let you know how he is doing. i really think if you knew he was having a blast you might breathe easier. and if you knew he wasn't you wouldn't feel any worse than knowing nothing at all.

well, that's my 2.5 mg, i mean cents....

sending good thoughts

~ waves ~

Well the latest is that we asked would he rather just go to school or go to sea world and he said sea world, so we'll see I am asking the teacher to ask him in school to see what his answer is to her. Because we could just as easily just keep him home. I am sure she will listen to my concerns and get to the bottom of this indecision he's having. I just took a ativan, hoping it will calm the anxiety down a bit if not in a little while I am going to take another .5....Thanks for caring, you ALL make me feel so much better.

ETA: thanks waves, I do have some flexability in how I can take it, I took two .5's the other day and today so far just the one, but if it doesn't get better I am going to take another one...Thanks for caring hun, I really appreciate your thoughtful reply. It helped me to put things in perspective, there is a time frame...Phew, it's gonna be okay.

Well now he's saying he wants to go so he's set to go....I emailed the teacher and she's ready to take care of things so I am not as worried. He's going to have a great time. It should be a lot of fun for him. I just hope he doesn't fall or anything, he walks funny in tennis shoes, we got like hiking boots we send him in to school in to prevent him from ROLLING over onto the sides of his feet like he does for some reason. The boots prevent it and they won't be possible for him to use tomorrow so tennis shoes it is. He's kinda got one leg longer then the other, not a huge difference but we think that's enough that is why he does this. Anyway, I feel better, took one .5 today so far and look forward to things getting over with tomorrow, with good results.

so is sea world tomorrow?
sounds like fun, glad they are going to help take care of him.