[curlydawg]

This last time I was manic was intense. I was flying around different states on my harley taking crazy chances. There were 3 or 4 times when cars (a semi once) just came over into my lane without looking and I missed them by a hair. I mean I was flying!

But then once I was trying to be nice to these 3 guys who were eating at the same restaurant as me. One of them started being really rude (he probably thought I was homeless the way I looked and was acting) and I went into a rage and started yelling at them, challenging them. The police were called and they were telling lies about me pushing them but I never touched anyone. There was another night when the police were called on me (another rage) and we were in Tenn. When I pulled into the parking lot by our rental, 3 police cars blocked me in. There were other times that crazy things happened over that period...somehow I thought this was all normal.

But then I agreed to go the hospital if the doctor said I needed to. I went to the emergency room and was interviewed by a councelor and then when he was done the pdoc came in to see me. I was very honest and was trying to tell him everything so I told him about the rages. He was a 40'ish man from India, a very calm and likable fellow. He said, "you have rages, really, can you show me one of your rages". The councelor was also sitting at the table with us. I was very manic and couldn't sit still so I stood up and just went off at him, man I was down in his face yelling at the top of my lungs and pointing threateningly. He had shrank back and I really thought he needed
an ativan. So, I went back to my normal self and smiled at him and as I looked around there were two cops within a second of tazing me. I was still smiling and said "well, that's what he wanted me to do." The councelor said he knew exactly what I was doing. The nurses were all freaked out too.

So anyway, that's the pdoc I'm trying to get now that my previous one won't see me (I promise I didn't rage at previous pdoc ). I liked this new guy, hopefully he won't hold that little instance against me.

But he said he believed I should check myself in so I did. There were 9 of us in there, 8 females and me. One of the females decided I was stalking her
and everytime I walked into a room she was in she would freak out. There was only one room in which to eat and one room to watch TV...it wasn't like I had many choices. So I thought I would kill her with kindness and maybe overcome whatever dislike she had of me. But that seemed to further prove that I was stalking her. I finally just totally ignored her, she finally did get over it.

But after 2-3 days I had to get out to go and bring this homeless couple back to my hometown. I was totally fixated on doing that...and I did it. I talked myself out of there against the doctors and my families wishes. Of course,I should have stayed as long as they wanted...I just wasn't thinking clearly.

You're sure taking it all on, aren't you? Brave guy. I found out I was bipolar in the followup appointment to my hospitalization. I had checked myself in (I was told I had a choice...had a feeling if I had chosen not to, I would have discovered myself choiceless).

I'd been labeled clinically depressed most of my life. For the past 2 yrs I've been "meetIng" the manic in me that I'd never recognized before. It's a complexed disease, hmm?

I wish you luck in you quest, curlydawg. I'm feeling myself sliding into a depression, the 1st big one since hospitalization. Also some physical malady & my mdoc's out of town.

Gonna be a looooong weekend.

[bizi]

thank you for sharing.....
I hope it helps you to know that we are here to listen....
and to NOT judge you.
It is a safe place to post.

Jude, I am sorry that you are slipping toward depression. try to get out and be around others if you can, grocery store, book store...coffee shop...nature.
YOu have pets? I can't remember....
sorry bizi

[Dmom3005]

KEep letting us know how we can be there.

And Jude we are here.

Donna

[Mari]

JudeLauren,

What can you do to head off the depression?
I have these suggestions if you have not already thought of them:
sleep, any exercise you can do like walking, sunshine, doing something that you enjoy and that connects you to yourself, being near nature (sit under a tree in a cool time of the day), and so on.
Do you have people to talk to?

M.

[Mari]

Dear Curly,

I can do a fake (but not really fake) rage on cue as well. When I bring it back down I am always surprised that people don't know that I don't mean it for real (ok maybe half real and half to make a point).

Those hospitalizations are traumatic. The immediate recovery is almost as difficult. It takes a long time to feel safe in your own skin again.

You sound better now.
I hope that the pdoc works out for you.

M.

[mymorgy]

Originally Posted by JudeLauren

You're sure taking it all on, aren't you? Brave guy. I found out I was bipolar in the followup appointment to my hospitalization. I had checked myself in (I was told I had a choice...had a feeling if I had chosen not to, I would have discovered myself choiceless).

I'd been labeled clinically depressed most of my life. For the past 2 yrs I've been "meetIng" the manic in me that I'd never recognized before. It's a complexed disease, hmm?

I wish you luck in you quest, curlydawg. I'm feeling myself sliding into a depression, the 1st big one since hospitalization. Also some physical malady & my mdoc's out of town.

Gonna be a looooong weekend.

Dear Jude
keep on reminding yourself that it is chemical. I don't know if when depression hits, you start coming up with enternal reasons why you should feel depressed. I hope your kitty cats can keep you laughing
bobby

[curlydawg]

JudeLauren, I hope you can stay out of that depression. So far this has only happened to me about every 10 years, and that's to often!!!

Bizi, yes, this is not a place of judgement. And there's really no place else to just tell this stuff. People either won't believe it, or if they do they think you're nuts

Dmom, thanks for being there

Mari, yes it takes a while to feel safe from yourself (if that is what you meant). And I am completely better now, thank God .

[Dmom3005]

We thank god too.

Donna

Originally Posted by curlydawg

JudeLauren, I hope you can stay out of that depression. So far this has only happened to me about every 10 years, and that's to often!!!

I hauled m'self outta me cave & went out amongst people. Didn't wanna, you understand, but that was the surest sign that I'd better before it got even harder. Went to see my closest-to-a-grandchild-I'll-ever-have (Ethan, 9 in Nov) be a docent for a painting in the Dali Museum) then on to learn how to have chickens in the city (also an Ethan thing). I'm plum-whipped exhausted but think I've fought back those 4 Horsemen a mile or so.

Thanks for the cheering. How's your weekend?