[Just Jacquie]

I don't know if you guys here remember me or not, but I was happy and surprised to find all the familiar names here that used to be on the BT forums! It's been a real long time since I have communicated with any of you. To refresh your memories, and by way of an into to those here that don't know me, I have been on Spinal Disorders, Chronic Pain, Survivors of Suicide and Bipolar forums since 2002. In 2002, I had my second back surgery, a spinal fusion. I also have a bipolar husband, who attempted suicide, and many of you, like DiMarie, Bizi, Alffe, Mari, waves, and Pamster, to name some of you (please forgive me if I left you off!). I also have a bipolar daughter. Or rather, I should say 'had'....

I have gone through the worst seven months of my life. My family suffered a great tragedy on January 18, 2011. A raging fire completely destroyed our home and contents, and worst of all, my daughter Andrea perished due to CO2 poisoning and smoke inhalation. Her room was on the second floor, and the fire started on the side porch and came around to the base of the stairs. When I somehow, thankfully, awoke, I opened my bedroom door to a wall of flames and heavy smoke. The first thing I thought to do, after waking up my husband, was to find my purse where my cell phone was, and call my daughter. She never answered. She was probably at least unconscious due to all that black, thick, smoke. The first responders were two police officers, who heard us inside the house and broke our bedroom window and pulled us to safety, but not before my husband, in a confused state, ran out into the hall and suffered third degree burns on his hands and smoke inhalation. He spent two months in the hospital for his burns, and then was released in late March. We were so happy he was okay, as was he. Of course, we were devasted that we lost our daughter, who was 27 yrs old. We bought a beautiful, big new house and moved in, and so did my son and his family (wife, 2 kids). We thought things were working out well. Both my husband and I retired, and we set out`to enjoy this new chapter in our lives....Until hubby started having psych issues - he was manic, w/ paranoia, and more. It was very scary. This was in mid-June, and I'm sad to say he's still in a psych hospital, Dxed w/ manic psychosis, and PTSD, from all he went through. BTW, he had also suffered delayed CO2 poisoning, about 3 weeks after the fire. They did not place him in a hyperbaric chamber; don't know if that would have made a difference or not... Anyway, of the three of us, I seem to be the only one left standing, and, has it ever been STRESSFUL!!

Forgive me for dropping this sort of bomb and taking off. I have to take care of the Grandkids in a few--- I miss talking to anyone who understands what I'm going thru. Should probably be in therapy, but I've been too busy running back and forth to see hubby...

Talk to you all soon, I hope!

Hugs, Jacquie

PS --No time to proofread - sorry for any typos!!

[bizi]

wow....
This is so sad to hear about what your family has been thru.
I am so sorry you lost your daughter in the fire...how awful.
your poor family.
I just shake my head.
I am sorry.
It does sound like you definitely need to see a therapist. Someone in real life to help support you.
Do you have any siblings to help?
I am hoping that your hubby stabilizes soon so he can come home.
mania with psychosis sucks...been there and done that too.
thank you for checking in....
(((((HUGS)))))
many hugs to you...you need them.
bizi

[Mari]

Originally Posted by Just Jacquie

I have gone through the worst seven months of my life.

Dear Jacquie,

I'm deeply sorry you are grieving for your daughter.

Should probably be in therapy, but I've been too busy running back and forth to see hubby...

You might not need heavy therapy now, but I suggest you take time for yourself. Find someone very experienced (not a young person) who can offer you supportive therapy. It's good to have someone to talk to and someone who can help lead you to ways to recharge and then keep going forward.


M.

[DiMarie]

Jacquie I am without words. I have thought of you so often, knew you were busy with work and your family. After going through the loss, it is something I would never wish on any family, mother. I am in a shock that this is the last thing I would have ever expected and my hearts just aches. I know and feel your pain so deep in my heart and struggle that you went through all this.

Life was such a challenge as it was, this is unthinkable for you my friend to be going through. I was just thinking that you had been so busy with the job, kids, taking care of everyone to drop by. So much the opposite, your life has been He!!. Hearing this makes me ask, why? Why do good people have to suffer? Why do our friends have their hearts ripped apart? Why does it hurt so bad. My prayers for your husband and your family are going to be part of my day.

I am glad that you did come to us and share so that our love can surround you. If it were possible to reach through this computer screen and hug you close I would.
Whatever you need, share or want just ask.
My strength emotionally comes from a forum fill up of love and support.
Don't be a stranger. Sending prayers and hugs to you and your family.
I love you my dear friend,
Di

[Just Jacquie]

Thank you all, bizi, Mari and Di. I kept looking around for an active forum where I could receive love and support, and I don't know why I hadn't checked in here??! It's been a long, lonely couple of months with my husband back in a hospital. I really miss having someone to talk to. He does seem to be getting better, albeit slowly. He was so delusional for awhile, it was very scary and worrisome. He is pretty much passed all that, but the hospital he is in is the same one he was in for 6 days back in 2003. I picked him up from there, took him home, spent some time with him and then I had to return to my fairly new job working at a doctor's office. He then attempted suicide by cutting his throat, and my daughter was there to save him and call 911. I think he has some survivors guilt because he and I survived and she didn't. I felt that way for awhile, too. Anyway, this hospital, I think, is afraid to D/C him because of what happened in 2003. They wanted to send him to a 'long term facility' just to cover their asses, I think, but that doesn't seem to be happening. I feel like I am ready to take him home, but I am a little scared of what might happen, on the other hand.

Di, I remember when you lost your daughter. I felt so bad for you. Now, it seems, it is your turn to support me Thank you for that!!

I plan to hang around here as much as I can. I'm so glad that I re-discovered you all!!

Hugs to all, Jacquie

[BlueMajo]

Hello !

Nice to meet you and so glad to have more beautiful people in our lovely forum.... so sorro to meet you under these circumstances though...

Im really sorry to read what you have been through and I send you lots of hugs...

Im praying that they can soon help your husband so he csn feel better and stable....

Come to talk to us, you will never feel alone

And I would like to answer the question Di made about why good people suffer this much sometimes in life, according to what Ive read and after struggling too much understanding this:

Life is unperfect... We are not in the paradise unfortunately... So we have accidents, we take wrong decisions, we suffer of genetic problems, etc.... Things happens.... BUT the difference between good and bad people is, not the fact that thins happen or not, but the fact that good people will never be alone, they will solve their problems eventually and God will keep those ones strong and protected.... Like for example, good people will have supportive friends in difficult moments like this one you are suffering hun.... do you get my point ? I hope so ! I sometimes have trouble explaining things, specilly in english.... Hehe

I send you my love and hugs for everybody reading this....

[DiMarie]

Originally Posted by Just Jacquie

Thank you all, bizi, Mari and Di. I kept looking around for an active forum where I could receive love and support, and I don't know why I hadn't checked in here??! Di, I remember when you lost your daughter. I felt so bad for you. Now, it seems, it is your turn to support me Thank you for that!!

I plan to hang around here as much as I can. I'm so glad that I re-discovered you all!!

Hugs to all, Jacquie

Welcome home, we are always here for each other, I may not have answers that can make things better, but a heck a lot of deep caring love and support. This is still so new, raw and deep with you both.

I never was happy with health care for the mental health needs. All about the legal issues, medication to catatonic state, but where is the quality of life, the compassion and helping. Your husband has less coping skills then most, the regret of why her not him, but the family needs you both and you need each other. Health care should be about equiping, not just a pill. I would be leary to get him home too soon. But, wonder what really good mid point facilites they are.
There has to be communication and he can't do that medication into catonic state.

I never did get back to church after De passed away. But, the church family has been there for me with their prayers. I saw miricles the last few years, and heartaches. My son had his tumors in the brain disappear off the pituatary gland without surgery. I had a long litigation from my daughters passing when dead beat dad that wanted nothing to do with litigation with Pharmy co., sued me for my settlement.
It was horrific, being accused of neglect of her care, that I threatened to kill her, and he was so wonderful but I kept him from the kids...

The gang her helped me get throught the two years with unconditional support. In the end the Judge got it right and my family prevailed. But reliving every one of the stressers of life took a toll. I know we need to take care of ourself, but when is there time, and how is it even possible. So I live life through my family. Every precious moment, stressful or blessed.

Now we are here for you.
We are all here for each other unconditionally.
Jacquie are any of your parents alive? Mine were gone when I went through my loss. It would have helped to have them. DH, because it was not his own dd, had a different loss then mine and that has been hard.

I needed a ton of things to help, when I could get to the counselor, not a psych, but a woman that got life, was my focus finder and stress reliever. I am so thankful for the time I have been able to make with her. She was a PT first, so understood physical challenges too.
I try to cherish something every day. I cry at night....but try to look for something to make those around me know how much they mean to me.

A huge huge coming to you. You are deeply a part of my heart.

Thank you for sharing Andrea's photo. That is one huge part of my keeping her close in my signiture. I get to see De with me supporting me always. You will find it a part in your heart as you post too.Di

[Dmom3005]

Just Jacques

I remember you well. Not sure you will remember me. I am deeply sorrowed
for your loss. Hoping you can find some peace coming and reading.

we are here for you. Sending you some prayers, thoughts and love.

So deeply sorry about your daughter.

Hoping your husband can start to get better soon.

Donna

[Just Jacquie]

You all have had such an impact on me tonight, and a way with words...thank you all. I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face, but I'm alone except for my new puppy, Lilo. You see, I lost my dog,, too. They found her in our bedroom, another victim of the horrible smoke and CO2...

I'm going to get ready for bed now, but I will sleep a bit sounder tonight, knowing that I have found you, my friends, again. I am getting through one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other...

Good-night all!!

[Dmom3005]

Jacques

I have to think your dog and daughter are together.

Donna