[BlueMajo]

Hello dear friends, dear family...

Im in a very bad place right now... my eyes have been bothering me again and, I thought it would be a good moment to write my story here so you can understand the hell I have created to myself and, why Im how Im...

Some of you might know and remember, but some others Im sure doesnt know my story, so yeah, Im gonna tell you my pathetic truth...

January 2008 marks a line in my existence... there is one Majo before that date, and one after... that maybe always was the same, but the first one hasnt realized...

Ok, so, I always was the "glasses girl", the one with the lazy eye... the one that couldnt see anything without her glasses on... the one with astigmatism in my family... In my daily life, my glasses wouldnt bother, but when I wanted to go to a party or bar, I would always regret needing my glasses... When I turned 15, I started to think it would be nice to get rid of my glasses, but at that time, astigmatism was inoperable... I tried hard contact lenses that I kept loosing and battling with and then returned to my glasses...

About my mood, temper and character, I was always the "psycho" of the family, the weird one... the crying one... the sad one... you name it....

In January 2008, at 25, and feeling extremely depressed because the guy I "loved" was getting married, I decided to have laser surgery to correct my vision problems.... To get rid of my glasses so guys could look at me Long story short, my surgery was a disaster... I ended with double vision because I have huge pupils and whatever, and since that day, my life has been a hell... I started to feel suicidal the whole time, depressed, guilty... I experienced horrible panic attacks... I was angry with me, for taking that decision, I was scared, sad, I thought God was punishing me...

When I was 15 too, I started to feel like I needed a psychiatrist but my parents never listened to me... after my surgery, they finally realized my reactions werent normal and took me... I started to get diagnosed... with anxiety, depression, bipolatiry, all sort of mental issues... I got medicine... therapy, etc...

So, since 2008 I have 2 problems, or 2 diagnoses, you name them: visual problem and mental issues... SWEET !!

Im a different person... I miss my past... I miss my old life... I wonder what would have happened if me, my doc and my family would have never realized I have mental issues or... maybe, if I hadnt have the eye surgery, my mental problems would have never became a "reality" ??? All those feelings keep torturing me... I feel God is angry with me because I didnt accepted me the way I was... with my glasses... I tend to think this surgery detonated my mental problems... and now Im a mess... I have all sort of problems... fibromyalgia and cysts in the ovaries, hypothyroidism too.. and I think all is due to my traumatic stress after realizing I had destroyed my eyes...

Today all this stuff comes again to my memory because I went to have an eye exam, and my graduation has changed from .50 to 1.25... more that the double... I bet this will get worse and worse every year, month or day... I will end with the same prescription I have before surgery or even worse plus the double vision and halos I have for my stupidity...

Im scared, frustrated, annoyed, sad... worried... why, why, why...

I was going to ring my ophtalmologist (I have 3 indeed) to ask if that change from .50 to 1.25 is something to worry about but Im sure he will say it is not when Im sure it is... I mean, is double the prescription... and I was 1.75 when I had stupid surgery, so.... yeah... everything for nothing... I ended with all the visual problems you can imagine, any guy looked into me, depressed, fibromyalgic and... yeah... living in hell.

Thank you for reading, I know it's a long post, but I had to... wanted to...

I love you so much.

[Mari]

Dear Majo,

Big Big hugs!

I read all of that.

I hope you have someone to talk to for help.

M

[BlueMajo]

Thank you Mari

I really appreciate you reading all my crap and the hugs !!

[Dmom3005]

I read it too.

Good ness what a story.

I'm here too. Sending you some hugs.

Donna

[bizi]

Thank you for sharing.
I did not know the whole story.
I am not sure how old you are or when you were diagnosed but it is common for us to be diagnosed in our 20's-30's...well it used to be before they started diagnosing 4 year olds with bipolar...sorry for the rant.

you are much much more than what you shared here, know that you are a kind and loving woman who is passionate about life.
Wants to be treated with the dignity that you deserve.
You are in a very stressful work environment and are doing important research. Working there and tolerating the bullcrap takes integrity and stamina.
I don't know how you are able to do it but you are.

It is my firm belief that you are not being punished!
You are judging yourself too harshly. I want you to be nice to yourself.
It is not your fault that you have fibromyalgia or that you are bipolar.
know that we love you and want you to be happy. I am sorry that you are feeling this upset...
NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT!!!!!
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[BlueMajo]

Thank you girls

Im 28 years old now and perhaps the worst part is having this feeling of being worse and worse every day

i dont want to get blind.... Thats something that scares me as you cant imagine

[Mari]

Dear Majo:

You can feel better about yourself. It takes some focus and some training. Trust me, the work is worth it.

Right now, you are going through a tough time, but you can improve your situtaion.

M

[bizi]

please don't hurt yourself...ok!
I worry about you.you are such a wonderful woman...
I wish you could see that.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Remember, Blue, the conversation about whether parents choose children &/or children choose parents? Related to that, buddhists (& the Navajos, who are very like buddhists though why I don't know) believe that between incarnations we choose our next lives, with appropriate strengths & weaknesses, in order to give ourselves the opportunity to grow stronger & nearer perfection than we ever could in our previous lives. Subsequent lives must be increasingly difficult.

Now i'm not saying you need to believe this, but please consider it (especially since hundreds of millions DO believe it!) in light of your situation now. From this perspective, the bad things that happen to good people are not payback. These are things we chose in order to provide the opportunity for growth.

As the most mundane of examples...I suppose I might have chosen to be this ridiculously short this time around so that I would stretch more & improve my yoga & so give more time to meditation...which surely has improved my spiritual life. If I were 6" taller, I wouldn't do as much yoga--true.

Since we make these choices in a consciousness other than that of the life in which we live the challenge, its kind of like tricking yourself into improvement. Put that way, it strikes me as dumb. Probably why no one asks me to write religious criticism.

Yours is a beautiful, talented, generous, loving soul. We all see that so clearly. How ironic that you don't. Your sight problem goes deeper than your eyes. This may sound really nuts, but do you believe in asking for revelation? If so, ask for self-revelation. If you can glimpse yourself as we see you, BlueMajo, you are going to be one pleasantly surprised & pleased young woman!

[Mari]

Originally Posted by BlueCarGal

Remember, Blue, the conversation about whether parents choose children &/or children choose parents? Related to that, buddhists (& the Navajos, who are very like buddhists though why I don't know) believe that between incarnations we choose our next lives, with appropriate strengths & weaknesses, in order to give ourselves the opportunity to grow stronger & nearer perfection than we ever could in our previous lives. Subsequent lives must be increasingly difficult.

Dear Car Girl,
You've talked about this in another post here.

My tdoc had me read about Edgar Cayce and how we choose our family and friends in order to work out something that we did not work out the last time. I guess they have chosen us too.
I remember reading about how we are supposed to do better this time than we did last time -- other wise we see them again in challenging circumstances.

Subsequent lives must be increasingly difficult.

EWW! I don't remember this part. I thought that each time we meet someone we might work on a different aspect with them and that each time things can get better for us.

You probably know more about this than I do. I haven't read much accept the book I mentioned above and some literature passed out at a few Buddhist meetings.

When someone bugs me I sometimes try to be mindful that I want my time with them to be good so that the two of us have made some progress. I can't do this all the time. Sometimes, I work on not making things worse between us.

M