I’m 28 years old and for the last 53 months I haven’t had one suicidal thought or intention because one thing changed my whole perception of life in ways I never thought possible.

Around seven and half years ago I started having mania with depression systems so I decided to move 1,000 miles away in hope of a better life. The move helped for a while due to the new adventure, but a while later the bipolar escalated beyond what I thought it could ever reach and options were bleak at the time.

I hated myself (hidden learning disabilities, also thought I had to fit into the extrovert world) already and I felt like I was somewhat cheated, so it was like pouring gasoline on fire when other people would say harsh judgments to me, whether they were true or false.

I felt lost, trapped, hopeless, helpless, felt like a burden, felt worthless, and to sum up my manic systems - they were unbearably frightening especially at night because I felt like I could run 100 miles an hour (this was not a good feeling) but at the same time I wanted to knock myself out cold because I knew I was doomed.

The whole year I contemplated suicide (I’ll spare the graphic details), and had to be admitted to a hospital for a week and then another time for two weeks. I remember when I left the last hospital I had a couple of good days (nothing like now though), but would go back to feeling just as suicidal as before. I know this will not make anyone who lost a loved one to suicide feel better, but this is how sick my mental state got. I tried to go through the actions of offing myself, but I couldn’t muster up the courage to go through with it - not because I was scared of dying, I was scared of not doing it right and ending up paralyzed.

Four and a half years ago, on this very month, my hope (a music genre that I heard for the first time ever) came out of nowhere. The music (I listen on average 45 minutes a day) vs. a talk therapist (I know this helps a lot of people though) is: the talk therapist made me feel safe (because every time I thought I would be cured when I left) for the hour, but when I left the session I would feel just as miserable as ever. Whereas the new music genre makes me feel good when listening to it, but most importantly I feel safe (words cannot describe this for me) and at ease when I’m not listening to it.

My first two years out of my bad mental state was an incredible feeling. A lot of the times I would have a blank look on my face with the biggest inside smile and broke down every so often. This was because the hope was new to me, as well a shock, and then combining it with thinking that I should be dead just manifested these emotions- I think this was mainly because I was drained from having suicide thoughts every second of the day and never thought I would have so much joy for life and be at ease. I took advantage to just be one with nature and enjoyed doing different things that I never got the chance to fully enjoy. One example would be in my miserable mental state I never enjoyed sunsets and sunrises. Instead, I would look off a five-story building trying to make myself jump off. Right after the hope came, I started to recognize with mindfulness on how peaceful sunsets and sunrises are as well other unique scenery.

Some of the other things after the hope came: I no longer felt lonely, I loved waking up every morning, the best part was, and still is, having no suicide Intentions or thoughts ( I never thought they would go away), harsh judgments bounce off better (90% of the time), I appreciate what I have, I no longer chase goals, dreams, and enjoy living in the present by living the life of journey vs. destination ( this goes for everything in life) and not to be embarrassed, ashamed, disappointed, and frustrated in myself for not accomplishing certain things. Some of my prior goals could have been a disaster after I got out of my bad mental state. My beliefs and what I wanted were altered kind of like I was reborn. I also never thought that I would enjoy learning about science, sociology, history, politics, religions, cultures, art, and etc. I finally enjoy and understand independent movies (Into the Wild is one of them) that have life lessons and make you think of life in someone else’s shoes with different scenarios.

The last two years I’ve incorporated some goals in my life, so if and when I fail at something it’s not as big of a deal, because my hope makes me feel that failure (as long as I enjoy the task and try my hardest) is ok and that life, a joyful mental state and freedom is much bigger than success in other areas.

Some of the things that I’ve learned, became more vigilant with, and developed some moxie:
• I’ve been able to make a bad day or a bad situation work almost every time – I don’t like stress but stress is a million times better than being manic. Simply put, stress is nothing compared to being manic, so I generally thrive on stressful situations now because there is nothing to be scared of.
• In the four years out of it, I’ve had one minor mania episode (not fun) year and half ago and got rid of it fast (an experiment that was legal) due to no depression systems.
• I can stand up for myself when called for, concur most of my fears, and I don’t feel as bad when I miss out on things. This is due to the fact that I remember I shouldn’t even be alive.
• I can be outside along with other things for hours on mindfulness - this is mainly because I went from such a scary state of mind to just being in the moment enjoying the smallest things, and it also reminds the new me that I’m not here to impress anyone and cannot be coerced into doing things that I know are potential triggers or I just don’t want to do.
• Going to the ocean (one time only) I had inner peace in the first time in my adult life and thought how can anyone be judgmental, and materialistic when people are getting killed because they think their opinions and beliefs are right?
• I will have no regrets on how I live the rest of my life because I should have been dead in my mid 20s.

I know the last one might sound self-absorbed to some people, but without the hope I know that I would be dead; especially now that I know of effective ways to commit suicide.

The biggest things that I’m most thankful for: Getting to know my family even better, not being so naïve (occasionally still having problems with this), forming two great friendships over the last year, having a better perception on who I am, and lastly enjoying the smallest things in life.

18 Months ago I got a little off track because I thought I was missing out on some things, but when I experienced them I remembered that what the mainstream media perceives as the good life is not so glamorous as they perceive it to be, especially if your mental state is messed up. One example is some people think the only way to be happy is to have money and a good job. Tell that to Owen Wilson (this is the last person I thought would ever be suicidal), and many other millionaires that have attempted or succeeded at suicide. Two years out of my bad mental state, I had a 35% pay decrease and it didn’t even faze me; quite laughable when comparing how I felt the two years before that. A way of putting it is, whether you have a dollar or a million dollars in your bank account, neither of them won’t matter because you can’t enjoy any amount when your mental state is bad.

I don’t regret any of my years living and I enjoyed most of my adolescent years, but sometimes I’m quite angered looking back. Some of the reasons are: I was very naive all those years, past friends are hard to be around now because my old self (both on how I acted and mentally) creeps its ugly head in some times, and the other is I know that the new me would’ve been great friends with my grandpa that passed away four years ago.

I’m far from being perfect and I will always have flaws. With that being said, my biggest mental flaw is sometimes my sensitivity (once again not as bad) gets the best of me and then I become a pushover or if I stand up for myself then I feel guilty about it later.

Some of the things above have fluctuated a bit in the last year, but not to the severity of before the hope came, so when they do; it’s only for an hour or two. For this reason I made a “small things kick the bucket” list. For now I have 6 things on my “big things kick the bucket” list. I don’t need them now and truthfully I don’t need them ever, but if I ever were to revert back to my old self and stayed like my old self for a long time and then proceeded to exhausted everything else from the “small things kick the bucket” list, then I have the “big kick the bucket” list I can do that will make a drastic change in my everyday living. I feel very lucky to be living with a good mental state and it all started because of music which technically is air, so will this be enough when I’m 10,20,30,40 years older? Especially when loved ones and friends pass away, etc.? I came to a notion that all I can do is keep on enjoying the present for as long as I can and to keep on evolving as a human.

When I was in my bad mental state, I never thought that suicide would hurt anyone and certainly was not going to do it out of revenge. I have a great loving family, I was not a zombie, I never took psych med’s before having my first episode, and it was not a chemical imbalance. My family members helped me a great deal, but it did not matter at the time because I couldn’t handle myself and saw nothing in the future that was going to make me feel good on a consistent daily basis. I’m not here to promote, so I will not say what genre I used to listen to and currently listen to. The message of my article is that one thing can have a dramatic change in one’s life for the better.
Unfortunately, most of the time people don’t stick around to see if any good will come out of the sky, but I do understand why people do it. So give the person you care about a break if they’re suicidal. Be understanding, especially if they see no hope in the future, and don’t be afraid to call 911 if necessary. They will thank you later when they find their way to a better mental state.

Also some people that I knew went through with it in the last year, so in another way I’m writing this to family and friends that have loss ones to suicide that the mind set is beyond imaginary scared when feeling suicidal and that it’s no one’s fault. It’s not even the persons fault that did it.

Wow,
thank you for sharing your story.
I am curious if you are taking medications now perhaps a mood stabilizer to help prevent future manias.
I remember when I came out of a bad mania I thought things look real for the first time like I could see the details, colors looked brighter, I had become psychotic and was less manic. Mania take a long time to get under control.
IT sounds like you were having mixed moods mania mixed with depression, very hard to treat.
thank you again for posting and stick around, what kind of music do you listen to now?
bizi

Hi,

I am sorry you have lost people.
Thanks for your hopeful post. You have learned much that you can incorporate into your days.

M.

that was so inspirational. you made the transformation sound so easy. I am so glad it happened to you in your twenties. you must have a deep soul
bobby

Dear Burton

thank you so much for sharing your experiences so earnestly. you mention mindfulness which is something i am currently tackling, sort of.

i am also glad you came upon this transformation in your youth. such a thing, however it is achieved, requires most of all an open mind. (i said "sort of" before, because i thought i was open minded but lately it's looking like i might need a giant can-opener for my mind... sigh.)

most of all, i am glad you are alive today, so that you can enjoy the fruits of your transformation.

welcome to the bipolar forum, by the way. i hope you will post more.

waves

Bize. A while back I typed up a time line going back on my past emails and memories of things. One of my emails was in august 2007 which I was miserable and it was September 2007 when I first heard of this music and that’s when I immediately felt 100 percent better. No more pills and the therapy visits ended in 2008. I still know how lucky I’m. However I have found out in the last couple of years that I’m not immune to relapsing. But it will never be like then. So at the same time I have to do other things to keep the evil full blown mania away from me. I love being in Hypomania state however it seems that one thing can crash it and when it crashes it crashes hard, but once again not near as bad as before.

you do know that hypo mania over a week is mania.
I am happy for you that you are managing on your own. I worry about not having a medical person whom you can rely upon to help monitor your manias....are you married? sibblings?
bizi

hypo mania is pretty easy for me to control. The main thing is that I stay away from my triggers when I’m in hypo mania, and then I’m all right. I could see how hypomania is a big problem for some people when they can get depressed but for me it’s easy to control because I never go into depression mood. I'm not married and I have two brothers.

thought I would bump this up....good to reread.
bizi

This really is me, this has been me the last 4 half years. In truth the last 3 years I’ve had mania once a year and each time was after I was this person (note that the first year out of it I never saw this person). Lucky each time I’ve had no depression, because of the music genera. The sad part was that when we were done seeing each other each time I would go back to my old ways and write her a long letter basically apologizing for not seeing her or the kids.

And coincidently I wrote this article with knowing that I would send it to this person hopping that they would understand me better and we could be a family. But not only did she make me feel bad, but also tried to manipulate me to saying that I haven’t changed a bit, my life is still pathetic, and that I needed to come around more often (the place of hell I call it now) I had mania after this for a couple of days which is why I wrote stay away from narcissistic people. But once I read more in death about the narcissistic personality the better I felt. I would actually call what this person did to me is what is known as gaslighting.

I was depressed and something was missing from my life before this person. But my mania started and suicide thoughts after I met this person. And I know 100 percent it was because of this person. But the old music did not help me one bit. Where this new music genera just saved not only my life, but my insanity. And now better I can read people for what they are, and have a much better understanding that the most loving people in your life can be evil.