[Mrs. Bear]

I am ok, I am not, I am ok, I am so not ok.

Migraines. Almost everyday for a week now. But not headache migraines. Can't see, having auras, cognative stuff like I can't talk and look like I am having a stroke, but only a little headache.

I have an appointment to see the pdoc in a week.

I took a valum at lunch today, and I am only having a little blurred vision tonight. Which is a blessing. I was actually able to make dinner for a change.

I can't decide if it's from the chiropractor, stress, illness, my mood swings or what. I have no clue.

My mood is pretty good today, but I bawled all day Monday and some of last night. (Monday, I found out one of our clients died and she was one of my favorite people to see. Broke my heart.)

I thought grownups didn't rapid cycle so much. I mean, kids (my Wes) can cycle up and down in one day or in one hour. But I am usually really depressed for awhile-sometimes a week or even a few months, float back up into normal and rarely get even hypomanic.

Since the wreck at Christmas, I have been everywhere. BLeeeeaaaahhh! This sucks.

If I go to my regular doc, she'll just tell me to quit smoking. I can't right now, I really can't. I am so anxious I would flip my lid completely without nicotine.

Hopefully the pdoc has an idea.

Until then, I will stick to my teeny little valum at lunch and see if I can keep going. *They are only 2's. and a bottle usually lasts me 3 months. Not this month though. *



I am so loosing it. Sheesh. Tigger-bounce, bounce, bounce.

oh, and I am SO not sleeping. I sleep like the dead, and I haven't been able to fall asleep at a decent hour since the migraines started.

[bizi]

You poor thing.
(((((((HUGS))))))
bizi
just wanted to get this first thouhgt off to you so I an come back and write a longer note.

[Mari]

Dear Mrs. Bear,


I hope you feel better very soon.
Sleep would help. So would lots of things.
I am pulling for your pdoc to see some way to fix things.

M.

[mymorgy]

I am wondering if klonopin would serve you better.....you have gone through a very traumatic experience when your plate was already overflowing....I have a gut feeling it is for the good and you will finally be able to work out some issues so you will finally be kinder and gentler to yourself and not expect yourself to climb Mt. Everest all the time. Limitations are nice....they give us a comfort zone....Expecting yourself to be omnipotent is such an incredible burden.....
Boy you must have some incredible will....iron plus....can you start listening to more music or something? You care so much. That is such a wonderful trait..You really are so wonderful...I send you hugs....You will come out healthier after this period....I hope you can approach it with curiosity and say to yourself,,okay what comes next? you will be safe....
Bobby

[Mrs. Bear]

Morgy / Bobi-love. Yes, my body is putting limitations on me. I am still searching for a middle of the road solution. I am looking for peace and trying to accept that this is how my body works now. No more used-to-coulds. It is hard.

No one can avoid stress, even good stress. But even good stress makes me sick. grrrr. I will win. Even if it means adapting better.

I am starting a garden. That gives me peace, time to not think and just do. I love watching the plants grow, but I hate avoiding touching the worms. icky.

Thank you for the hugs Mari and bizi. I know you are going through the same thing right now Mari, so I really appreciate the support.

I wonder what helps anxiety besides benzos? I have been on Paxil, Zoloft and Wellbutrin, which are all supposed to help. But I had REALLY bad reactions to the Paxil and Zoloft.

I loved Wellbutrin, but my GP wont even consider it and forbade me to take it again. She didn't explain, but I think it's because I had seizures on Effexor.

But then she gives me Cymbalta??? Who knows.

I need my pdoc.

[highhatsize]

Dear Bear ,

Neurontin has been terrific against anxiety & depression for several people that I know. Generally, the minimum dose is 300 mg. 3X daily but you have to titrate gradually to see what works. I have heard some say that one should really make that 4X daily since the supposed half-life isn't as long as advertised. On the other side of the coin, one woman that I know who initially thought it was a wonder drug, (Quote: "This should be illegal"), stopped taking it within two weeks because it made her feel like taking cocaine.

[Mrs. Bear]

LOL!! I definately didn't feel that way. Nerontin made me so danged loopy. I ran a red light. Sheesh. I couldn't function.

There is something out there. Even if it's non-pharmacuetical. Like Bobi's idea of changing my mind set.

I would like to seriously take the time to find a yoga class. Or Ti Chi. Something to work the sad, sore muscles and teach me a little concentration.

uugh. Still a teeny bit manic. eeeeeee Can't hold still and crawling in my own skin. And the valum is making the achey pain unbearable. I wonder if clonapin has teeny doses like valum? Wesley's clonapin is such a high dose that it knocks me out. (the pdoc had me try it for awhile.)

My husband so does not need the added stress of me wigging. His ex is pcychotic right now and is calling the house constantly. I swear, when she gets ill, he is the only one she can think of to call. Poor dear.

At least Wes is stable. He freaks when I am not. So I try not to say anything to anyone. They get all diss-combooberated.

Thank you all. I don't have anywhere else to vent or let out all of these crazy, disjointed thoughts. I have warned the people around me what's up, but don't go into details. They will try to mother me. And that will flip me out and them.

aaahhhh.

5 more days. I can do this. Maybe everything will switch off in the mean time.

*sound of airplane crashing and large explosion. I am crashing.

[Mrs. Bear]

3 more days. I wake up ok and then the day crashes around me.

The manager here will let me go home if I need to. I just don't want to be alone right now.

So many things in my head.

Letting go sounds so nice.


Anybody have sugar and chocolate stop the spinn-y thoughts? It worked last night. But I passed out cold. (at least I slept).

Just curious. It was really weird.

[bizi]

hugs to you dear bear.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Mrs. Bear]

Broke down and begged for an appointment today. Sweet man fit me in.

I get to take risperdal and lithium. He thinks the Lamictal might be causing the eye trouble so I start titrating down on that.

I want this to work but I SO hate new meds. It's almost as bad as not having them while you waiting for them to work or for side effects to fade.

But there really isn't a reasonable alternative, is there?

sigh.

I have a feeling I am going to be bugging you guys alot here for a while.

Thank you bizi. Thank you so much.

For everybody for putting up with me!!