[burton975]

One day I’ll write a more elaborate piece on how a Narcissistic personality about ran me 10 feet underground. For now I want to give a simple piece of advice that will help some people recover and could be the best thing for some people and save a person’s life-STAY AWAY FROM NARCISSISTIC PEOPLE.

[waves]

Dear Burton

I am sorry you had this experience. I understand what you mean as I too have experienced it first-hand.

I do want to add a note here that all of us have some degree of narcissism and some degree of altruism. A balance is healthy.

Those i believe you are referring to however are pathological narcissists, and are are indeed to be avoided whenever possible. The difficulty is they are hard to recognize at first, because they are often highly intelligent and master manipulators. I ran into a text-book narcissist at work in the past. I had no clue what i was up against until the entire department was dysfunctional... people were played against each other. It just so happened that a couple of other team leads and I needed to work together at a client site, under a different team director. There, after a few potshots at each other, we had more collaborative exchanges and soon realized we had been "fed" lies by this narcissistic higher-up, and it was these lies that were at the root of the "conflict" between our teams. End of conflict, right there!

At that point, I still did not know what a pathological narcissist was. I only knew this particular boss was dangerous. I had to work closely with that person, and was manipulated in many ways. I eventually left the job. It was not until years later, through reading that I understood that the person was a narcissist.

This person was oh so delightful and charming.... and was not short of expressions of humility (false! humility!) ... oh my. Even obsequious in certain contexts ... whatever "worked" ... but all skin deep.

Narcissists are that much harder - if not impossible - to recognize by simple, what-you-see-is-what-what-you-get type folks, especially the truly altruistic. Such people cannot fathom that apparent kindness can be exclusively a tool for self-gain (of money, position, power, respect, awe, etc), and have nothing to do with altruistic ends.

Since my discovery of this pathology, i have done a fair bit of reading on it. I learned that many people have been hurt by pathological narcissists, and that they are not a rarity in today's society.

Anyway, you are not alone, and I know it does take a while to recover too.

How are you doing now?

Please feel welcome to share more here if you could use some support or just want to talk.

~ waves ~

[Mari]

Hi, Burton,

I am sorry that you had to deal with this.

I used to work for a boss who was a Narcissistic. Currently there is a guy in my building who is not a colleague but I have to work with him on rare occasion who seems to have Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Some people are fooled by him. Others get hurt by him.
Most of the time I am able to stay away from him.

M

[Dejibo]

I was raised in a nest of them! I had NO idea how normal life was supposed to be. My mother plays one child off the other, my sister is now a grown sex addict/pill addict/one herself/and seeks male affection from authority figures such as MDs or cops. My 2 brothers are now bible beaters and you simply cannot speak to either of them unless you are prepared to hear how you ran your life off into a ditch, and how much damage you caused to theirs along the way (even tho you havent seen either in 20 years and were 15 when you left)

When I entered the real world I was so confused. I had NO idea how to relate to people. Sarcasm was a new twist for me, as my parents were openly manipulative and didnt have to disguise it with anything. No one hugged you, but you were supposed to hug them. No one prepared food for you, but you best better get their lunch ready. No one held your hand when you were scared, but you better sit and hold theirs when dark days come, and oh boy did they come!

We moved from home to home at first I thought because dad was in the Navy, but then I realized it was because mom would create such venom in the neighborhoods, the other navy wives would go to the commanding office and ask that we be removed. They gave my father a job teaching fire fighting school, so we taught for 6 six weeks and were reassigned for years. it saved him from forced retirement/divorce or or worse.

Took me YEARS to get my feet under me after running away from home at 15. Took me years to realize this woman was going to suck me dry if I let her. Letting her go (and the rest) was the hardest and best thing I ever did for myself. Once I allowed them to become part of my past, and not my present the drama level in my life dropped so fast it wasnt funny.

I am so happy that you are working on doing better things. Working on better goals, and fixing what is broken.

[burton975]

Thanks for sharing. Last four and half years every year I was doing great and then I had to see this person and then bam mania came back. Lucky each time I’ve had no depression or suicidal thoughts because I know how great life is. Now that I’ve researched narcissism more in death, I feel so much better now. I feel better than what I explain in my last writing. This person is done for me. Unfortunately it’s more complicated. This person is the mother of my 6 year old God Daughter that I care for a lot. After I put all the pieces together ill elaborate more latter. This Narcissist person was at one time my best friend, and was a big part in helping me when I was suicidal. However this person did not help a inch on helping me get progress. And once I got better I realized this person was not worth my time. However this is a family member and I have to see this person once twice a year. But this is the last time, I will not have mania again even if its for one day. Life is too short.

[waves]

((( Burton )))

it sounds like a very difficult and complicated situation, just from what you have said so far! Initially a best friend... wow... I can appreciate how difficult it must have been to see through "apparent help" and real help ... and initially you probably had a sense of debt/guilt... sigh. I am so glad for you that you were able to see through the antics and have decided to limit interactions to whatever minimal exchanges are necessary to see your God-daughter.

You might have mania again if you are bipolar, but it sounds like you have found and eliminated a huge triggering influence in your life! I too got really messed up, with the boss i described... i ended up cycling, and ended up with mostly mixed mania, some spurts of clean mania in between. After i quit i ended up self-medicating badly with alcohol. it too me a long time to get back on-kilter even with meds and therapy.

You do sound really well now, Burton. I hope you continue to be well. Thanks for sharing... and keep posting.

~ waves ~

[Dmom3005]

Not sure what to say.

So I'll just say I am learning a lot from this thread.

Donna

[burton975]

Waves. The more I’m researching the more I’m learning about other personalities and mental disorders. And I’m 95 percent positive this person was gaslighting me. And no doubt this person was defiantly my mania trigger.

[Addy]

This is an amazing thread for me to read, for 2 reasons.

One reason is that it validates, for me, how healing it has been for me to limit my exposure to the toxic people in my life. I look back and see how healthy I have been... and how quickly I'm finally learning to recognize the signs of my depression or mania.

The other reason this thread is good is because someone very close to me is married to a narcissist. I believe this marriage will not last much longer. It certainly is my hope that it won't last because there are 2 beautiful little people who will be greatly affected by longer exposure .

I have a question - do any of you believe these people can be helped and "cured" of their narcissistic behaviour? I ask this because I must admit that I was totally duped by this person - I was convinced that they were very much in love ... and although this isn't about me, I am disappointed that I could be so fooled! I found it hard to believe that this person could be so cruel... and now that I know all I know, I still have a part of me that wishes that the behaviour could be reversed

And that makes me think of another question. There is a very real fear that this person, should the "opportunity" ever arise (severe allergy to bee stings)... this person would leave my loved one to die. Do these people have a higher rate of committing crimes like domestic abuse and/or murder?

Thank you all for your support! I love BrainTalk!!

Addy

[bizi]

hi addy, nice to see you. hope you are well.
I personally don't think that the individual can be changed. First a person must recognize there is a problem....they think they are perfect.
just my thought
bizi