I AM AN EMOTIONAL MESS.

I recently suspended Zoloft as it didn't seem like it was helping me (i was depressed), there was some question as to its causing hyponatremia, and it interfered with my taking full doses of my migraine meds sometimes. Well... Ended up in a bottomless pit... gonna restart it. Documenting all dates here:

Recent suspension

Last day of Zoloft was the 14 August.
I had tapered weekly: 100, 50, 25mg.
That puts total washout about August 21.
By now even the major metabolite which has rather weak activity has also mostly cleared.

Resuming Zoloft

Monday 03/Sep -- 50mg Zoloft
Tuesday 04/Sep -- 50mg Zoloft

Intended titration:

Mon 03/Sep - Sun 09/Sep - 50mg. (7 days)
Mon 10/Sep - Sun 16/Sep - 100mg (7 days - fulldose titration)
Mon 17/Sep - [therapy duration] - 100mg (maintenance)

It is a fast step up but i think i can do it because it hasn't been long since i quit the same drug and my brain still has not adjusted as is evidenty by my mood which does not improve spontaneously. If i have side-effects i can slow down but i hope to be at full dose in 5 days.

i might have to field questions from my GP who knows i came off., but not for a while. i have enough Zoloft stockpiled for a while.

~ waves ~

Waves,

By my count that gives you two weeks to get to full dose.
I cannot remember how it works. Do you figure that you will need two or three or four (??) weeks before you start to feel a smidgen of benefit? Will it be a certain number of weeks after the 50 or only the benefit after the 100?

I know that these things are variable.
It would help me to be able to mark on the calendar when I could peek through the dark clouds of depression.

'Good that you have stockpiled the Zoloft.

Feel better. Maybe implementing the plan helps a little because you can look forward to a change.

M

Will be watching for updates from you Waves.

Donna

actually due to the fact that i'm still in a sort of withdrawal i expect benefit perhaps after a week at steady state at 100mg. There will be no "number of weeks" at 50, barring mishaps because i'm going up to 100 after 7 days (only 4 days left at 50 now).

yes. it helps me to do that too.

yes. i've been dipping in my stockpile rather than getting more scripted recently and now i wish i'd got more scripted. i might request a script now rather than wait... i can say i am out and i was told i need to restart it and my appointment is too far out.

Thanks.
I do hope to get a toe or two out of the cowdung. However as I felt pretty bad before d/c'ing i don't have great expectations. The SSRI poop-out probably had to do with receptor desensitization and even downregulation which doesn't happen in a week, nor is it reversed in a week or two. D/C prolly should have been done over a period of months not weeks... but there were other concerns too. and i didn't even feel a difference at all, until i my last taper week (0 mg - beginning of clearance).

BUT. Add to this, no sooner was I off the Zoloft that pdoc drops me, and now dad does his scary thing...... so it's pretty hard to pin it all on my poor little receptors which, for all i know were starting to sprout back nicely. These people that i place immense TRUST in, and who also have a certain degree of authority/power over me and one pulls the rug out from under and the other threatens to, is A LOT than one little pill can fix. ANY pill.

i'm trying to have realistic expectations about the little pill, and just say to myself that i might feel a little better. If i do get an appointment fairly soon i will see what the new pdoc says and whether she things this route is truly useful. my taking Zoloft right now is grasping at straws.



~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

Thanks for answering my questions. I have no experience with Zoloft or any of its cousins.

Yes. Very good idea.


It could be that going back on the Zoloft helps . . . so it is worth a try.


Right. You will not know until you read steady state. But this is the best of no other option right now.

Those people who failed you . . .
Continue to hold on. Once you get a new person to start writing 'scripts for you, you can mourn, be angry, and let it out. For now, know that you are taking good steps to help yourself --- even if as you seem to say, there is only a smidgen of hope that the Zoloft plan is going to work.

Mari


~ waves ~[/QUOTE]

This sounds level headed in your thinking. I too hope you are feeling better sooner than later. And having a plan usually helps me feel better when things look bleak. Some things we have no control over, other things we can influence.
gotta run, love you
bizi

Dear Donna

Thank you for reading and following along with me. I appreciate it.

~ waves ~

p.s. and Bobby too - I see you.

Dear Mari

Thank you. I appreciate your affirmation and support.

re: my pdoc. occasionally something comes back to me that i talked to him about... something sensitive. and i realize i confided in him about that and more. it makes me sick. probably it wouldn't if we'd parted on good terms. but this way ... eww. Then i realize we were getting somewhere and am upset that things were interrupted just now of all times. I wonder how much I can recover of that with a new therapist. I remember stuff he did that bothered me and am angry at myself for putting up with it so long... only to have things end like this. bla bla bla

I also confided in my dad re: what happened with pdoc, and i feel sick about that.

what i'm starting to say is that grieving and mourning and being angry and stuff... is happening. i can't help it. i can't suppress it. it's there. and the two things compound each other because they really beg the question:

"Maybe I am really horrible if these but TWO close, trusted individuals find it necessary to do these things?"

I am processing a lot from the post-blow up conversation with dad and it makes me sad angry and scared all at the same time. My mother cannot be objective because of her own upbringing. I'm lucky she is even ok with me right now.... Then again, she is totally doting on him meanwhile.

I am avoiding contact with dad as much as possible. I speak to him if spoken to. I most often bring my food away from the table now and i don't go in to kiss them goodnight - mom does in the living room to avoid an explicit exclusion spectacle i guess. The avoidance is about being left alone as much as possible, because interaction with him now feels like walking on eggs. I just hope it doesn't end up unleashing some sort of backlash.



~ waves ~
p.s. i apologize to those who are confused... i don't feel comfortable telling all the detail ... too much. For general context: my dad blew up and said very strong things that left my jaw parked on the floor for 2 days. Then he talked to me again saying he was not mad, so i asked about those strong things: he said he meant them as extreme but plausible considerations... which put my jaw THROUGH the floor.

thank you for sharing.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Dear Waves,

I apologize for not being able to answer with full cognizance. I fell asleep and really have to get back to sleep before I wake up.

I want to say that I am one 100 million percent positive that you are doing good things. You are good to the people in your life. You are not even the tiniest bit horrible.
It is not your fault.

The fact that those two events happened relatively close to each other does not mean that they are related in ways any other than time.

They acted horribly. I am deeply sorry that you are suffering because of them.

The problem with your dad as you know is more about him and more about him and your mom than about you.

Yes. Avoid him.

I think even before blow up you mentioned about walking on eggs. Lots of hugs to you.

My suggestion ( --- apoloogies for offering an attempt at insight) is that you not bring it up again -- or at least for a long time. Give him wide berth with this matter.

Re the potential backlash: Do your very best to let it go for now. I think that you want a resolution or some clarity or want to try to fix something. Please let it go for now.
I really want that for you now: avoidance.
If I am not making sense, I apologize. I will be back on here Wed night.
Try to keep your distance.

It's ok if you do not want to tell me details. If there is any way that you can go out for a few hours (or even 45 mins) to do something else -- go to the store, run errands, sit on a bench somewhere (public library?) that would be good. Or get on public transport and take a ride and come back. If you cannot do that (esp due to depression), it is ok. It is only a suggestion. I think you 1. need some time not near him and 2. need to be with people other than those you live with even if it adds up to three or four hours a week.

Lots and lots of hugs.
I hope that your depression cuts you loose / unbinds you.

M