I ditto what Mari said...we really welcome people opening up...it helps us too..
Bobby
bipolar II

this is a support group, talk, vent, complain, we all do it at one point or another.
You are not alone in this...we are here.
((((HUGS)))
bizi

Late last night I got the news of a friend of mine who just could'nt take the world any more. She was a young women lost in the trappings of pain, manic depression, and lost her will. I am rocked to my soul.. I'm sitting here questioning my own salvation. Why, did she take here life?

I have ran the gamete of all emotions over the hours since I heard, I' m just angry now, is that the right way to feel? I had just posted on the board about my complaining, you all came back and said let it out thats what were here for. Then this!

Just don't know what else to say, I hope and pray Gods grace is shown around her. She's no longer in pain........................

i am so sorry for your loss of of a friend mark. suicide leaves behind so much hurt.

we do have a wonderful group of supportive people on our Survivors of Suicide Forum. it's for people who have been left behind, those who have thought about suicide or tried.

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forumdisplay.php?f=29

being angry is a very normal emotion. so is guilt. we are here for you mark.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend Mark. It's alright to be angry, to be sad, to grieve. Don't internalize it, let it out and keep talking.

Hello,
I'm very sorry that you lost your friend.
i hope that you have someone in real life to talk to.
This is so very sad.

Anger is good.
You can feel and express any emotion you have.
Mari

again ditto Mari. I am so glad you are feeling anger. I felt anger when my soulmate hung himself. He suffered from depression. To this day I never allowed myself to feel the pain.
I think a lot of us are very stubborn and no matter how badly the depression gets to us we don't want bipolar to win. Also I also believe there is no exit.
When I have gotten really furious, I put some dishes in a bag and then smashed them on the floor. I once had a wonderful dream where I smashed all the breakables in the kitchen and then when I woke up i realized it had been a dream but I actually felt some relief.
when it rains, it torrents...keep on posting....eventually you will feel at least a tiny bit of relief.

Oh Dear Bobby,
I forgot about your loss of your soulmate... if you told us about it.
I'm very sorry.
Mari

Oh bobby, I did not know of this either...
I am so sorry sweetie...
((((HUGS))))
bizi
I told you I lost my brother this way...
suicide affects so many people around us and for so long...forever.

The Vail of Manic Depression,
My Story


It’s been since 6/23/88, the injury, the CRPS that followed. I thought I was handling; it was handling me. I was in denial. The operations, miss-diagnosis’s, the pain of it all, sent me spiraling out of control, still out of control. All the doctors did was thru meds. Dr. Broadnax did a spinal block for seven days; the pain was still there. I clearly remember him slamming his clipboard down on the desk in-frustration. After five operations, pain management countless numbers of doctors, it was over for me. Try has I may, I cannot get out from under the cloud of darkness that is surrounding me.

Depression coincides nicely with pain. They play of each other like a tennis match, one minute up twenty, then three aces come right back at you. The manic depression will get you every time.

The absolute loneliness, isolation, I cannot explain the sheer despair my life has become. I’m finding out by my own doctors are lost. The things average people don’t think twice about, and it get down in an hour, take me a week, and it’s still not right. Always reaching, but can’t grab the ring. The ringing in my ears, shakes, night sweats and the most horrific nightmares, are with me. Darkness, panic, dying, suicide are all there. I can sit for hours staring at my computer, and not hit a key. Or go on Outlook and wait for an e-mail to answer. Begging someone to write.

The weight of depression wears you do to the point of shut down, total collapse. To the point of the smallest things can’t be done. Taking a shower, general things you do everyday, takes me all day. By the time I’m done, I’m exhausted. I get to breakfast, lunch whatever. I will sit at the counter and it will take me an hour or more, just to pour a bowl of cereal. That’s manic depression.

My three favorite F-words are, failure, family, and friends. Family, I’ve destroyed, friends I’ve lost. Who wants to be around a sick person depressed person?

The destruction of core family with a person who has an under lying problem like CRPS, then depression is terrifying. To the person afflicted, who is always trying to please and be there, can’t. To the members of his/her life they constantly let them down. To paraphrase: I couldn’t count on him/her for anything. Understandable when I can’t do it myself. The horror of losing key people in my life you will never know. I’m the burden, do you think I want this passed to my children. I can tell you now, that won’t happen.

I have been lucky in love, no words have ever been written to explain my feelings for her. I won’t even try, she knows. Children and grandchildren have blessed this home. I thank God for that. Lost of a child to the secular world, a walking death. To be astringed from a child you gave birth to, prayed and cared for, cannot be put to paper. Everyone say’s drop it and go on, so easy to say. I pray every night for this to be taken from me; it’s in Gods hands now. That’s all I can say.


My parents, I have been blessed and know I‘m loved. To be raised in a Christian household, is what’s holding, the little I have left together. My sister, and her husband have such great careers; moving on through their lives, just wish I could have been along for the ride.

Once I got off the pain meds, I thought surly I would bounce back after the fog of narcotics had lifted. Not to be for me, yes I’m in pain all the time, but the depression has enveloped my soul. To the point I was, am questioning my salvation.

The MAOI’s, Tricyclic Antidepresants (TCA’s), Serotiorin Reuptake Inhibitors, have all been elusive. These drugs do not work for me. Once again I have been told I’m non-responsive. What’s next, electro-shock, deep brain stimulation of area 25? All the research I have done say the longer it’s pro-longed, the longer the trip back. I ask a Dr. so what’s worst? You snap and in up in a rubber room, or pull the trigger and get it over. Quote “sorry I can’t make that decision, only you know how you feel about the loved ones in your life”. You see I don’t believe in God or heaven, faith is just a verb to me.

So as I told you today, I lost another. My forth friend in 16 years, what am I to do? Where do I turn? You have all heard this before I feel like I’m odd man out.

I still can’t conceive of letting me be me, with all the baggage and destruction I’ve cost. Don’t want you to think I’m talking in circle’s it’s just the way it poures out of me.

Please bear with me......