Dear Waves,

This --- that you are more stable at the start is important and good. You can build upon this as you process your other emotions and issues about the potential job.


I am concerned about this --- that you seem fearful. It is hard to move forward based on fear. The road is better traveled with hope and and a light body and mind.

Sometimes the heart catches up. I guess you can talk yourself into something as long as you are part way there already. Talking yourself into something that is not right or not right at this time seems non-productive. I don't know really though,. . . .merely thinking aloud.

You might like the job. The need for language skills seems good. For one part of what they need you will be talking rather than coding it seems -- that is what I gather.
You seemed so isolated last time.
Maybe this time you will find yourself comfortable reaching out to people or even find that people reach out to you and confirm you. That would be marvelous.

Do you feel any different since you posted this? Have you felt any movement in your heart?

I hope that your labs yield information helpful for treatment.

M

i decided not to wait until the labs to give an answer.

I called the consultant first thing this morning, and told him that his call had taken me by surprise and that i had been excited about the prospect of working at first, but after thinking about it very carefully this weekend, i realized i did not feel ready at this time to jump into full time work. i thanked him for calling me and said i was sorry i could not consider the offer.

he said that was fine and appreciated that i called him right away. he added that i had worked really well in the past positions, up until it was possible for me to, and that he would welcome a call from me whenever i felt ready.

i found myself wanting to put off the labs... in fact i sort of need to because my body is not right and i don't want to do certain of them when i'm not "right" (stupid doubledose prilosec dried me all up blech! and i am still eating funny).

anyway. the fact is even after the acute anxiety attacks, i was having chronic anxiety and felt fearful throughout the weekend. thinking about the job brought on terror, with increased anxiety.

about the stability. i made that comparison in terms of mood. plain depression to me is more stable than mixed depression. last time i had mixed depression that was getting worse. right now i am emerging from depression. However, i am also figuring out to what extent my migraine meds work and how to use them best. i don't know what will happen under stress - i may need an increase - that will make me stupid for a couple weeks.

the prilosec exhausted me to where i had to lower my depakote, and i still need 12 hours of sleep day (instead of 16ish). at work i don't know what i could do, i can't have the usual stimulant drinks (coffee, tea) that i would use before to function.

well the stomach thing was completely unforeseen. but even without that, after the zoloft withdrawal, the pdoc thing, the dad thing, and the whole switcharoo with the therapists and pdocs and pushy pdoc, i was emotionally spent. then my stomach went berserk and i got physically spent and can't eat comfortably - have lost 10 lbs don't congratulate. i wanted:

1. just to rest for a while (did that while sick),
2. then resume therapy, (appt tomorrow),
3. then look to sign up for a part time certification course for teaching when i felt i could cope and/or (whatever available) look for very-very-part-time work teaching.

that was my plan.
i feel sort of like a loser but this was not something i was up for - i was/am not even planning to take the full-time certification course.

now i know that if i were not a person with chronic illnesses i would gladly taken a detour and picked up this job for a while to make a little money in the now, especially in this economy. This volume of fear is telling me it is too much of a risk. it was partly heart. but there was some simple arithmetic to it too. i am not totally off kilter, but i am not exactly on kilter either.

the anxiety is not totally resolved... it is like, i am still trying to wind down. i am still trying to figure out if i need to be forgiven for not taking that job. i will explain that in another post. it has to do with the precise context of when i received the call - a very very peculiar context.

~ waves ~

I think you followed your heart and your head. good job. now to find some peace about your decision.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thanks (((Bizi)))

Yeah that peace might be hard to come by... oh my. I will post again later perhaps and try to explain. It is a spiritual thing but there are complexities to it that make me wonder if it isn't tainted with a kind of magical thinking and contorted metaphysics typical of my hypomanias despite the fact i am not.

i will try and meditate for a while on something pure. and perhaps pray. perhaps that alone will help.

~ waves ~

be well my friend
bizi

Your health is more important right now.

I think you did what was wise for you.

Donna