I've been really depressed the last couple months or so. I posted in the depression forum and someone suggested to look into if I might be bi-polar. My aunt is bi-polar, possibly my cousin. I have a family history of severe depression and suicide(father, uncle, and about 11 close family members of my mother). I've always had low selfesteem, but at times it would be better than others. As a child my mother sent me to a pshyciatrist, I don't remember why really, if it was because I had issues or just because she felt I needed help coping with the loss of my father. He passed away when I was 6 1/2, I went to therapy around the age of 12, 13. The first time I would say I had a meltdown was when I was 15...16. It gradually got worse, I stopped doing school home work, would pretend to be sick to stay home, pretended actually to be sick at school so I could go lie in the sick room crying. I almost failed 3 subjects, and I'd been a straight A student up to that point. That went on for probably 6 months or so. My mom said it was just because she had started a knew job that required her to be away from home more and I wanted attention, but if I think back about it I'm not sure if that was all it was, my mother doesn't know about a lot of the stuff that I did, like she didn't know how I would just cry the whole day at school, for no apparent reason. I changed schools and got my act together, graduated highschool with good grades. Got a scholarship to study engineering, 2 months into college my mother got diagnosed with breast cancer and had to have surgery. She also sufferes from MS so her body was already not in top form. Well despite having to take care of her a lot, helping my brother with his schoolwork, and working I still managed to do fairly well, I had trouble with one or two courses, but that was just expected. Because of our financial situation the only way I could go to college was if I got a scholarship, I had applied for about 30 in different areas, but got only one I got was the engineering one. about 1 1/2 into it, I'm 20 now something in my head just snaps. I stop doing homework and studying, I still go to class but my mind just wanders. So of course I start doing badly in most classes, some I actually still do well in. I decide to go to career councilling at the psychology department of the University, maybe it's just that I'm not studying the right field. Well, the therapist who administerred the test freaked out, caused my mother to freak out, because according to these test I was suicidal(on a scale of 1-50 I scored 49). I was very sceptical about this, I didn't feel suicidal. Depressed, low selfesteem, yes, but I didn't want to kill myself. They put me on prozac. I never felt much different while taking it, so 6 months later I stopped taking, partly because I didn't feel it helped any, and partly because I was going to move to a different country where I didn't have insurance anyway. During those 6 months it actually got worse while on the medicine, I never told anyone but that is when I started Self harming, dropped out of college completely, started drinking heavily, and experimented with drugs a little. I had no future. If it wasn't for my family here in the states that suggested I come stay with them for a while and explore my options here there's no telling where I would've ended up. Everything went well for a couple of years, got my own appartment, started college again and finished it. But then I wen tin this slump again, I'm not even sure what caused it, I had a crush on a good friend, she knew it and just used me where it suited her, I got very hurt and started the self harming again. Another friend(just an acquaintance at the time) saw the marks on my arm and asked me what happened. I made up some excuse, not very convincing i though, but I was terrified people would find out, so I stopped. I'm not sure what made me feel better but I did for a while. But now 2 more years later it's the worst it's ever been. I initially started seeing the therapist 3 months ago because I was having these anxiety episodes at night, I wouldn't be able sleep at all. A month after that my gf, the love of my life, my soulmate, broke up with me. We'd only been dating maybe 11 weeks but I was completely crushed, still am. I've not had a good nights rest since I don't know when. I start obsessing about thoughts, and have these crazy reactions to things people say or don't say. Like if a phone call isn't returned quickly enough I get in a complete state. I'll go from being ok, maybe a bit sad, to just being the most irratable person there is. I feel like I'm constantly complaining about something, don't enjoy anything anymore. I've been on Wellbutrin now for almost 5 weeks, it's only a light dose but I don't feel any different. I still have moments where I'm completely irrational. My friends don't know what's going on, they tell me I was always the happy one, where is my happiness. I remember times in te past where I would have these mood swings, just become so irrratable towards my brother and mother. I rarely showed anyone else the true me. Now it seems I'm just lashing out at everyone. I don't know if I'm just feeling the way I am because of my heart being broken, or if there is something more wrong with me. So many people tell me that I am acting so out of charater, it feels like I am driving everyone away. I'm all alone.

I tried sticking to facts...any opinions/advice is welcome.