Originally Posted by Ms manic
(Post 933401)
I first went on lamictal over 20 years ago after trying pretty much every drug available, alone and in combination. My pdoc at the time was discussing ECT. She had said to me once, in frustration, that, "Bipolar people dont know what normal is. You all long for manic." A week on Lamictal (heck after three days I had my life back) I walked into her office and said, "You're wrong. I remember normal. This is it and I want it." I also said that they'd have to pry that prescription out of my cold, dead hand.
It took time but we rebuilt our lives. We learned not to schedule around mom's mood calendar. We learned that we could get involved in outside activities, even expend energy to help other people. My kids had to learn that they couldn't get away with murder if mom was 'down' because, by golly, the old gal does have the energy to come off that couch and kick butt if I'm being a little tyrant. Our lives, our home, our friendships, our activities no longer revolved around me.
I remember thanking God for the first day I was healthy, saying if He never gave me another day that one was enough. My rapid cycle is as regular as a clock and it was a 'down' day. The kids spent the morning waiting for me to crash so they could turn the tv on. I put away the frozen entree and cooked a real supper. I'll never forget the look on my husbands face when he walked through the door after work and found me awake. I read stories to the littlest ones at the end of a long day and then sat on the floor in the hallway and cried.
I was able to return to my career when the kids got older and did pretty darn well for a middle aged housewife who had been out of industry for twenty years, if I do say so myself.
Then ...
New pdoc. He was sure I needed another drug and after a year i caved. He gave me Seroquel along with the Lamictal and I reacted very badly to it. I don't blame him for that. We all know that this med game is a gamble. I do blame him for not recognizing the fallout. I went to my appointment a month after the Seroquel in a cast because I'd had vertigo and taken a bad fall. His normally stable patient became wildly emotional, storming into his office in tears, complaining about tripping all the time, venting about persecution at work because, "They all think I'm not good enough."
He told me that I'd enjoyed more years of stability than was normal and I had to be prepared for the inevitable brain damage that would come after so many years on psych meds. He upped my lamictal to above the recommended dose but was blind to the Seroquel because he couldn't admit he made a mistake. And I trusted him.
Three years later my legs and arms were perpetually black and blue from tripping and falling. My professional reputation was in tatters because I could no longer problem solve. I took myself off the Seroquel and over the next year I became able to barely hold my own at work by working twice as hard as anyone else to make up for being the one who was always making stupid mistakes.
Two more years, gradual improvement but still no confidence. Can no longer stand up for myself in an all male industry and you can bet that the wolves moved in to tear that piece of meat apart. Most men are good people but the bullies had a field day.
And now here I am, nerves not great but a fog has lifted off my mind. Last night a pressure - flow concept that I've struggled with for six months suddenly became clear, like a penny dropping. I stood up for myself yesterday and, lo and behold, the bully backed down and I did it with grace.
I don't know how long this will last but, again, I'm grateful for today. I'm staying on my previous lamictal dose.
My point is this: When it's tough, stop, look around and see if there's something that needs attention. Get some other people involved in critiquing the state of your health because some times it takes all we have just to survive. Use the guys in the little white coats when you need them but NEVER blindly trust them.
Above all. Thank God for the good days.
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