pdoc says i am am in a mixed state.


this after just about firing me ... long story. after ascertaining that he was inclined to continue to try to help me i said i had wondered about taking lithium again. did he think that would be appropriate.

he thought it was. i am already on depakote.depakote + lithium are an effective mix if one tolerates lithium. i barely do but i need *something* it should flatten me, at least take the edge off.

the thought is hated but less hated than what i am experiencing now.

here's the best part. it's so freakin complicated. i need a baseline EKG first. need to go to mdoc - get a state script - which has a number on it. need that number to make appointment for EKG. Appt may not be immediately available. I can only start Li+ after clear EKG.

I hate hate HATE all this stupid stupid STUPID bureaucracy!!!! i should at least be able to get up in the mornignn call and make an appointment then go get all the paperwork! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

Wow. That is quite a lot. What a long process!

I send good thoughts for feeling better.

M

I hear you....it sounds so very frustrating....
bizi

Dear Waves,

It is not helpful that you do not feel that he is 100% on your side.

Lots of hugs and good thoughts.

Mari

Dear Bizi
Thank you, and... yes indeed.

However, I do have some good news. I called mdoc today to request EKG paperwork and lithium script.

I asked if the EKG was absolutely necessary before starting therapy. Mdoc says (fwiw!) that EKG can be done after initiating lithium. I'm good with that because it will be a low dose anyway, and it means i can start tonight. (At least in the US, one is always done before, but even pdoc would not have said so, had I not asked specifically about that... oh, so thorough and precise.)

Anyway, I am comfortable with just doing one a couple of weeks after initiating because a couple years back I had a battery of heart tests including halter EKG, echodoppler and stress - all was clear... that is at least something.

I took a bunch of lorazepam today to help me just chill, but i cannot take that every day. Nor drink or... well... never mind. (Sometimes i think th eonly thing would be to thwack myself over the head with a cast iron pan. )

Dear Mari

Thank you so much. And no it is not helpful AT ALL. I feel that he does not trust me, and based on last session, I have also lost trust in him... which until now I have had. Emotional trust, that is... and getting to a level of reciprocal trust in a relationship can take time. Apparently however this trust has been compromised - and not yesterday but for a long time. And for my part, the trustworthiness has been compromised for at least some time. this is what came out. He doesn't realize it. he was happy as a clam by the time I left, with all his feathers smoothed back into place. (.... courtesy of guess who... and who is the therapist, and who is the patient?)



~ waves ~
~ waves ~

Hi,

I have a two-part rule that i try to observe when depressed but it works for any kind of messed up state.

--- defer judgment
--- defer important decisions.

i am considering breaking this rule. the "spirit" of the rule is to avoid acting on a defective world perception but, occasionally, a decision is better made sooner than later. It can be hard to distinguish "hasty" from "better".

There have been little and big things going wrong with my relationship with my pdoc over the past 6 months. Yesterday the session was really bad but surprising things also emerged:

• pdoc believed I never would have gone back to him had I liked the state center. This is simply false - i only even went there because of the other crap that hit the fan right after he hollered at me - i needed help and could not turn to him right then. I thought I'd been very clear and specific at the time that even if i had decided to change, I would have gone back to him to clarify things. I rehashed this stuff... but he didn't buy it the first time - why should he believe me even now? Trust blown on his side, as I see it.
  
  
  
• he asserts that the reality is that i have no choice but to see him - because i "didn't like" the other place he said. i told him he would not feel that way if i were paying. i tried to make suggestions for sparser/shorter visits that i could pay and received a flat NO. He isn't open to changing things.
  
  The worst implication here is that, contrary to what he has periodically and stronglyasserted, my perceptions about his seeing me "differently" than other patients were not unfounded! Trust certainly blown on my side.

===========================

I am considering making an appointment with the state clinic. I could call them as early as Tuesday to make an appointment. I forget the protocol. I might have to go there.



~ waves ~

Waves,

Hugs to you.
I want you to know that you are going to be O.K.

Mari

You could just stop seeing him....I did that with my tdoc....I know this is different he is your pdoc as well....
But you have the option of using the state services and then not use his.
this is an option. It is your health and you have to do what is best for you.
No one can make that decision for you.....go with your gut.
bizi

Just want to say. I admire you for working through this.


Donna