You function amazingly well given the circumstances. It seems that you have a strong will to maintain sanity at work. How you function on such little sleep is a wonderment.
fondly,
bizi

hang in there, take today as it comes
 

Mari,

try to take today as it comes. you will survive it. you are doing a good job. if you feel too far out, trust your gut. sometimes we need to take the time outs and stay home. if some things don't get done the earth will not stop turning. you can get enough done to show dedication and merit. that counts a lot. you are only human.

--------------------- about me

i was hypervigilant yes, but i have to say under-aware in all my jobs. my awareness was compromised by my moods. the hypervigilance is indeed a second job and tries to compensate for spells when awareness is flawed or missing. in the one case before i became paranoid, i became aware that my awareness was seriously impaired but that was it. it was only sort of helpful ... only in a very limited way. it fed my fear like crazy, but i still did not know which way was up.

also hypervigilance is a double-edged sword. sometimes it keeps us from going too far, other times it doesn't matter because we just do stuff and if doodoo hits the fan then it does. but afterwards we usually get to wash the doodoo off. worse, hypervigilance also makes us fearful - fear is stressful and decreases our ability not to freak out.

i was not some model worker in either of the jobs i cited. i was admonished in both for chronic lateness. also in one case i was called out for being too something-my-manager-could-not-name. she said "it's sort of aggressive but not exactly" and she didn't mean a single event. i thought i was i mostly ok at meetings until i got that reprimand and to this day i don't know what i was doing or how i came off exactly, other than it was noticeable and not a positive thing.

i used to
-- go to the rest room
-- "visit" coworkers in other parts of the building, with excuses like "questions" or to drop off something stupid.
-- go to the snack machine whether or not i intended to get a snack.

... all to get out of my chair because i would get restless out of my eyeballs.

probably not all these things were noticed - at least, it was not noticed that i was covering up for feeling explosive. however at the time, i felt like everybody could see through every little tactic, and they were all shaking their heads. i felt "raw" and for any slip up felt people could see through my skin. tips of the iceberg would surface at times and i was sure the whole enormous thing had been exposed and i would be done for, sooner or later. i was wrong. but i only saw it in hindsight.

------------------------

you are in it. you have the fear. i am sharing hindsight. i am hoping to give you some encouragement, some hope, and perhaps some logic to help you consider that your fear is so big because it is magnified just like all your other emotions, and it is most probably disproportionate.

i agree it sucks we have to adopt these strategies at work, to compensate for our emotional troubles, but you are a hard worker and a smart worker and other people adopt strategies just out of laziness at times.

hey think about your mdoc. she's like got ADD or something probably. she talks too fast, argues, goes off topic and has lots of flaws relating to people, yet she has a thriving practice. people value her thoroughness enough to put up with the rest. people without emotional trouble will have less trouble putting up with her "stuff".

----------------------------------------

you are a valuable professional, Mari. Valuable professionals can and do have "issues" that can cause them to screw up, even repeatedly. Issues can have different forms and causes. In your case, the cause is emotional. At the end of the day, you are a valuable professional, issues and all.

keep on keeping on. you CAN. and you will be ok.

lots of hugs today and white light for healing and calmness

:hug::hug::hug: :Heart:

waves

Mari

You are a amazing woman. And do things so well.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

thinking about you Mari. I hope today went better than you expected, or at least that it went ok. whether you went to work or stayed home.

more hugs :hug::hug::hug:

waves

Waves,
Thank you for your help.
It did go better than I expected.
I was really really sleepy all day. And I fell asleep at the computer chair when I got home.
(I think I was trying to stay awake so I could go to sleep at a good time tonight --- sleep cycle so wacky.)


At the first meeting I was o.k. whining and complaining a little.
At the second meeting, I was insistent and made good points that resulted in my group getting a very good outcome from the two supervisors-- even if I was a little out there in how I delivered my points.
(Essentially pointed out was wrong, stuck to my guns, and made a reasoned argument for a new method.)
(I think that the others in the room were too sick [one certainly] or hungover [one certainly] or tired and worn out to make good suggestions so I pretty much led the way.

The HR guy said my paper work is fine for one year. I think he is a wonderful man and wonderful at his job.

I have two meetings Wednesday but these are informational meetings -- I am not asked for input and so do not have to worry how I present myself verbally.
Mari

Mari

Sounds like you were the star of the team today.

Good for you.

Donna

Hubby got upset with how I handled the day
 

I told hubby about how one person in my assigned group spoke of something inappropriately (sexually). I ignored the person the first time. When he brought it up to the group the second time I got him to stop by saying that the subject was boring.

I repeated this to hubby and a little while a go. He got wildly worked up. . . . called me an insulting name for allowing someone to talk like that in front of me . . . .

He has no idea what I go through.
Everything is about his needs . . . .
I was angry enough that I almost told him to pack his bags tonight.


Mari

Oh I am sorry. I hate confrontation. Hate to hear he insulted you.
Staying married is hard.
we are here for you.
:hug:
bizi

you did well at work and with hubby. major cultural issue w/ hubby?
 

Perhaps his rage on this may derive from his cultural background and values? I think that, wherease your first priority was to stop the person end of story, to your hubby that person made a huge infringement on you in terms of honor, respect. But I don't think it stops there. I am guessing that, as your husband, he felt the person dissed him too and that, in his viewpoint, it was very much about him as well as you. It sounds to me like he has strong feelings/beliefs as to the person needing to be called out on the principle of the thing. It sounds like hubby might have felt betrayed by the fact that you didn't do that, even if you did stop the behavior. It really sounds cultural to me.

As far as your actual intervention, I appreciate that you were able to get the person to stop, period. I do think people should be called out on this sort of behavior, but I know that can be easier said than done. It also requires a lot of follow through. It becomes a big deal and you are already up to your ears just trying to get through the day. You handled it, period. My bottom line is kudos to you for that.

You have a right to be angry. Calling you insulting names is unacceptable. I am sorry this is happening but I am glad you managed not to send him packing. More kudos for the restraint you showed. I hope you two can work this through.

:hug::hug::hug: :Heart:

waves

Dear Waves,

You are probably right about the cultural issue. But his rage was scary and I should remind myself not to talk about work (or most things, really), esp when we are both tired (as we both have for some time now).

Mari

I spent some time with my friend last night.
Tonight I was having a hard time following my own train of thought because of memory issues due to not sleeping.

I am so messed up in the head it is astonishing that I am allowed to be out in the world.

Everything is a chore and everything is a mess.
And the more anxious I get about these things, the more I cannot sleep.

M

blocked from my email accounts
 

I completely messed up my two email accounts because I cannot remember my passwords. I probably spent two hours trying to get into those accounts.
I did the same with BOTH of my facebooks too. What a messy mess. :mad:
:mad:

AND YES !!!--- SURPRISE!! I have done this before. -- screwd up things.

(The email addresses are connected to the cable and the internet accounts, so at some point I will have to telephone someone during the daytime.)

Then hubby will get involved because he will get a snail mail or something informing him that the main account password was changed and he will get agitated and I will get upset with him.

I hope that i never have to use email again. If people need me, they can telephone or knock on the front door. I am done.

Klonopin.

M

I am so sorry for the email passwords mess. I use all of the same pass words for everything that I do, it makes my life so much easier that way.
Wish yo could do that as well.Hope you can sleep today.
((((HUGS and love)))) bizi

Bump for mari

I read through this just to get to hear Waves talk again.

Thanks for the memories. I wish you had gotten the Ritalin

Donna :hug::grouphug:

wut?


why this thread