Waves,

This is not what I meant at all. I should not have used the word "lucky."

I was trying to figure out the word "nostalgia." You have explained it well. And nostalgia seems to be about this:
That means one has to have a positive experience and then loss about it.


The brother I mentioned seems to live his moments intensely (positively enough that he returns to them when he can). I believe that he is has some "bipolar-lite."
In his early adulthood he had substance abuse problems. He also could self-medicate (like my mom) with lots exercise and lots of sleep.
I have observed that he has formed friendships that he can pick up years (decades) later. Water themes factor into his life -- college sports, early jobs, hobbies, volunteer work (even when he was in the mountains and far from an ocean), and a current job. (In his forties he returned to his sport as a competitor and did well and then volunteered to coach a women's college team, . .. and so on.)
I have observed that the ocean for some people can be like mountains for others. People write and talk about wanting to return to the ocean or the mountains (sometimes it is "their mountain" specifically that they return to in their thoughts).

Yes, I do know and I feel this loss of sleep deeply in so many many ways.

Mari

ok thanks Mari and sorry I should I have realized you had something different in mind. I probably overreacted because of my own sense of guilt. I feel profound guilt over not feeling appreciative for what I have, today, in the present.

Sorry could not respond earlier. Internet went out completely for a couple days (GRR). Today - for a change - I had a freaking migraine... AND my mom was sick so I took care of her which culminated in my meds failing... I crashed the whole afternoon.

Your brother seems to have a lot of intensity, as well as a great sense of continuity in his life. Continuity and intensity do not always go together. I think it speaks positively when they do.

Being deeply emotional can be difficult, but it has its perks if one can be in charge of one's emotions and not the reverse.
I have had cool experiences in the mountains as well. One in particular is something I occasionally use for meditations. These, and memories of specific beaches, are good memories, but they do not cause me nostalgia because I don't have a wish to continue the experience, I am content to remember it, as a closed capsule.
I am sorry. I keep hoping for you, that you will find a way to resolve or at least improve your sleep situation.

waves

Hi, Waves,

I do the gratitude thing although I have resisted versions of the abundance / gratitude journal http://www.amazon.com/Gratitude-Jour.../dp/081186720X
Sometimes, even finding one thing to be grateful for is helpful -- Mostly I thank God / universe/ goodness for helping me through the day. I am aware of some specific moments. Sometimes, the moments are more general.

That is good that the internet is back.
I have become concerned that I am not getting better.
I might try chanting.
Or doing yoga.
I am having a hard time feeling ready to move out of where ever it is I am.

I call for healing vibes to come your way and help you out of hurt.

M

I have a mindful appreciation for what I have but this contrasts sharply with feeling grateful. My guilt is about being unable to feel it. It ties in with the nostalgia too, because I did feel very grateful in my "former life", the one that got unexpectedly interrupted, the one I still treasure, miss, and parts of which I tentatively hope to resume... at some point.

I am not sure I am getting across very well, but at this juncture, I cannot continue talking about this. Forgive me. It is starting to overwhelm me. I am trying to move forward and hurting too much robs what little energy I have to put forth. I have to inch forward somehow, if I am ever going to get back on track, or even onto a different track. Currently, I have no track ... very bad/unhealthy.

=========================

I am sorry. I know the feeling of being stuck in a bad place and that it can cause worry. I hope chanting or yoga can help you find some peace with where you are at. I find some degree of stasis understandable considering what all happened. You were in a bad way to start, you saw your T for help and that blew up in your face; just days afterwards you wind up pdoc-less due to stupid bureaucratic reasons. It's like you were falling, and someone pulled a rug out from under you, and right then the floor caved in too. So now you have infrastructure to fix... the very infrastructure that would normally help you to your feet. This will take time. Meanwhile you REALLY are managing great if you are still getting through the day, one way or another. It's all relative.

Maybe that's ok, for now? It sounds a bit like you might be asking too much of yourself too soon? You don't have to move out of where you are today, or tomorrow. When you are ready, you will feel it, or you will simply move out of where you are and then see the "readiness" in hindsight.

Thank you Mari. I wish you the same.

Dear Bobby

Just wondering how you are. Haven't heard from you in for a while.

How are you holding up?

sending love and hugs your way

waves

please be kind to yourself.
You have been thru to much. take baby steps in all of this.
You are a good woman, know that I believe in you and believe that you will feel better in time.
bizi

i met the new psychiatrist. he was very nice. I told him i liked his manner. I only complained about anxiety and depression but told him the wellbutrin works very well. I also mentioned worried about financials and the adjusting to growing older. we spent a lot of the time talking about birds and our love of them. he has two parakeets now who he says are in love and he is going to buy a nesting box. he has a havenese which are precious dogs. I mentioned my cats and dogs and all the birds i had in the past. he asked me to sign a release so he could contact dr moussavian and find out about the two mg of risperdal. I told him i wished it were lower and he agreed with the diabetes.
I hope all goes well
bobby

yea!!!!!!
so happy to hear this report from you.
very very happy to hear that it went well and that you liked him.
thanks for letting us know.
love bizi

WOW, Bobby, this all sounds so incredibly positive!

It sounds like you guys really clicked! He sounds like a very thorough doctor, as well as one who listens and cares... very promising.

Hooray!!! I am so happy for you!

waves

Bobby,

Good job getting successfully through the pdoc search.

I like that you were able connect about the birds.

Mari