Right.


Oh Gah.
People who are not depressed can handle these things better I suppose.

M

pdoc
 

Waves,

Yes. I have enough pills at this dose via renewal but I did not pick them up at the pharmacy.
Pdoc forgot about the plan and the fact that I will not have enough pills to titrate.

I am bored with him and the Lamitcal trial.
I am back to work and busy as heck and I am not going to go drive across a county every two weeks to see him while I wait for a drug to start working.
We could do this by phone.

I am exhausted from sleep schedule being especially off right now -- and I cannot afford to mess up work by having sleepy days when I increase the dose.
If pdoc spends even one minute of my appointment asking those same dumb questions about mood (racing thoughts, seeing things, . . . ), I might say something inappropriate enough to end up in the hospital.
I am angry with him I suppose.

I need Klonopin BEFORE my pdoc visit tomorrow/ Tuesday. I will have to calculate the time I take it in order to achieve maximum effectiveness without adversely affecting driving.

Mari

good luck tomorrow at the pdocs appointment and good luck driving on the extra klonipin.
bizi

pdoc
 

I too hope things go well for you tomorrow, Mari.

I really hope the Klonopin helps you keep your cool if things get annoying.

If he starts on the questions that bugged you last time, you could maybe avoid the whole rundown (and talking back to him) by replying to the first question with an overall summary. Eg:

My mood has not changed significantly from last time, other than
-- a decrease in anxiety (specify if just last night or if stable lessening)
-- an isolated day (specify which) of good humor and high productivity.

Ask to do this by phone. No harm in trying.

Hang in there tomorrow. You can be ok. I hope the road conditions are good. I remember that this guy is not exactly next door.

waves

work friend and feelings
 

Yes. It's a triple whammy with depression. Depression brings us down. Loss brings us down. Depression also (in my experience) directly impairs our ability to process emotional events.

Irrational or not, you are still entitled to your feelings and to make choices that suit your feelings.

It is nice that you two can share these things, even if you have such different perspectives on your mutual friend.

I am sorry. Whenever you decide to do therapy again, I hope the person you find works out much better for you.

:hug::hug::hug:

waves

pdoc update
 

Hi,

It is helpful for me to write this.
I am exhausted and have been working on the computer for hours to get ready for tomorrow.
Pdoc asked me his usual stupid questions but went through them less thoroughly -- more quickly and slightly mumbly.
Then he aske me more gnerally how I was and asked me to give a number from 1-10. I told him I did not like number sand did not want to hit him so I told him "6."


He said he wanted to DOUBLE the Lamitcal.
I said no and when he said no I started crying.
I said I am sensitive and all that and what is the rush.

-->> I said if it matters a lot to me and it does not matter that much to you, can't we do it my way?
He relented and I noticed the one resident (male) waking up from his half-nap and furiously scribbling notes for whatever just happened.

I asked when my next appt was (If it was going to be in two fing weeks again I was going to quit and do without meds :mad: :mad:
Thankfully for the sake of everyone who has to deal with me, he said One Month. I said o.k.

Then he carefully checked his script notes and wrote
~~~ the Lamictal
~~~one month's worth of Klonopin (so you can have extra) -- He really said that. I felt comforted a bit because I had not asked him.
======================
I drove home very carefully because I was sleepy and knew that I had no chance of sleep in the near forecast.

======================
When I got home the pharmacy called to say that the drug company would not pay for the two meds. I said that probably the Lamictal was a different strength and that the dr wanted me to have them. She checked again and said that the drug company approved the Lamictal. I said I would pick it up the next day. The stupid girl said that the Klonopin was the same strength and the insurance would not pay.

=============
I will call the pharmacy in a day or so when I am in the mood to deal with them. Maybe I can afford to pay cash -- I don't know.

==============
Hubby has been hyper focused on a stupid issue for the last several days. When he started on this latest reason to be angry I shouted not very nicely and said, "Are we going to have to deal with this every day for the rest of my life?" Then I went into a different room and he cut up some watermelon for both of us.

==============
A beloved secreatry at work died over the weekend. She had been at work on Thursday. I guess some of us are going to the funteral this weekend. I will leave myself the option of 1 not going 2 arriving late 3 leaving early.

==============
I got my work for tomorrow completed but it took forever because I had to keep catching myself from making errors.


==========
I am saving for the a.m the whole washing of self, looking for clothes off the floor to wear, packing lunch, . . .. . The clock is set for 8:35 am. Wednesday is my very long day. I leave work to come home at 7:30/8:00 p.m.

Thank you.
M

as Waves said before, be kind to yourself. I don't know if you know how to be...
i just thought of chocolate chocolate chip ice cream. you need nurturance
but when we don't get it as a child, i think it is almost impossible to do it to ourselves. it sounds as if your pdoc is a real stiff-changing is such a pain and so frustrating...there aren't there many good ones out there but I think you can do better. I don't think you have the emotional energy to try again. I hope your kids are good to you and you have some really neat ones in your classes. that is sort of a refuge...i don't know how you can protect yourself...i for one am not good at visualization to be dressed up in body armor doesn't do it for me.
we care so much about you
bobby

Oh my!
 

Gosh, I'm sorry Mari. :(:hug::hug::hug:

This pdoc sounds so impersonal. :( His always having a resident there seems consistent with that, IMHO. That set bells off in my head to start with, because it would bother me, but it's more than that. Even if it does not bother someone, it is not a situation which fosters much bonding. I am not sure he really "gets" one-on-one bonds. :confused:

Other than that (and a rather big that it is), he sounds very competent clinically. If you can put up with him and if he is amenable to negotiations on the meds, he might be good for the purposes of med management. He still has to really prove himself in this department though.

Thank goodness he relented on the Lamictal. I don't really understand how that went (his saying no), but this is not a request to go into it (unless you want/need to). The whole event sounded like something you wanted to get out... and maybe out of the way more than anything. Anyway, it sounds like he did listen to you and giving the extra Klonopin IMHO indicates he is observant.

----------------------------
I am really sorry to hear about the secretary at work who passed away. :( It sounded sudden. In regard to the funeral, do what you are ok with at that time. Be as ok as you can be. :heartthrob:
----------------------------

I hope hubby gets easier to deal with. The watermelon thing sounded nurturing somehow, though.

You alarm went off 25 mins ago by my clock. Hopefully you got some sleep. I am sending you *good energy* for today, lots and lots of it! :circlelove:

I look forward to hearing from you again later... whenever you are up to it. :hug::hug::hug:

waves

hope things will even out a bit for you, and I can
 

def relate w issues concerning pdoc, meds, therapy, hubs, work, finances, as well as some other health stuff, etc. In fact, getting ready to be good to myself right now before I have to get going or have any demands placed on me, a good walk with my dog Cleo before rain starts, followed by a bit of meditation and prayer. Am now enjoying socializing with some of you all, new friends. Be well!!!! Warm thoughts your way!:hug:

Thank you, Bobby, and Waves, and Anneo,

I changed my alarm to 9:00 because I do not have too much to do to get out of the house. On Monday I overslept and was late for work by a couple of mins -- rushed out of the house by only brushing my teeth and grabbing some clothes.

====
I slept 5 1/2 hours. I could use a lot more sleep but I feel o.k.
I can pace myself better during the day than I did Monday --- by taking it easy I feel more competent.

I leave here at 10:00 / 10:15 so I have time to write.

Regardign the Lamictal: he said we are ready to double from 50 to 100. That felt like too much of a jump. THe side effects of the Lamictal are already hard -- feeling sleepy during the day and brain fogged when I first wake up and I would only try raising the dose on a weekend. I had anticipated going to 75. When he said 100, I freaked out and talked him into 75 so he said 75 one week (starting Tuesday -- last night -- but I will not do that until the weekend).
After our negotiation, I believe he said one week at 75 and three at 100 but I have yet to pick up the script from the pharmacy and see what it says on the bottle.

I am not in a big rush to raise the Lamictal because I am not hopeful that it will do be any good.
I am aware that it only passed drug trials with tricky stats and that it is a crap drug. It would only work for me because I get lucky -- like the Verapami did for me.l.

It felt very difficult to get out of the house and drive to see him. This might sound weird but the neighborhood his office is in -- I cannot stand it. It is ugly -- expensive suburbs -- stores set back from the road --- houses set back farther in gated communities. . . . cars driving very fast (but that could be my experience because I am so sleepy when I go there.)
I did not want to go. My mood was very much down and probably I was agitated. Before the appt I had decided that I do not want to see him anymore if I can figure out how to do it.
I will want until January when I have titrated the Lamictal and when I have 5 months with him.

YEs. I feel that after three visits I should have a little bit of a connection with him.


I do not pay a lot of a attention in the waiting room but part of his practice involves children. Perhaps he deals with parents instead of patients.

He speaks each time about a therapist.
He wants me to bring the list of therapists from my insurance company so we can go over that together.
MY INSURANCE COMPANY DOES MAKE A LIST AVAILABLE !!!!! -- you call them, they find someone for you and you call and make an appointment. That is how I got him. I did not have a list.
And my preference would be not to deal with another someone new -- esp as I had only two therapists in my life that I was ok to be in the same room with and I tried out tons and I mean tons.

M