Hi,

I used to be upset, disappointed, and angry with my mother for not caring about me.....for not showing that she cares....which is the same thing for all practical purposes.

Then I grew up. Over the past 25 years I have worked with counselors and so forth on not beating myself up. I have also learned not to expect anything from her.
I feel that I have almost reached my goals. Soon it won't bother me that we can not have a good relationship.
I'll be free. This makes me sad.
M.

Mari,

I am sad today today for different reasons. Do you have any children to help you through today?

befuddled2

There's so much sadness today and I'm sorry for both of you.

In reading your post Mari and J's posts I almost feel guilty about the relationship I had with my mom. I can't explain it.

WE all grieve differently.
I am sure it is difficult Mari.
and I am sorry you are sad....
Wonder if she is sad as well?

Hugs to you today my dear. and you too girlie.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Befuddled, No, I choose not to have children.

Me BP?, I'm sorry that you are mourning today.

Bizi, My mother is busy planning a neighborhood fish fry tonight -- in her town.



She was always busy busy busy with people she is not related to.
And I certainly have never been able to talk about feelings with her.
I guess I am angry (still) and sad. But I am learning to expect very little from her.

M.

Mari,
In my case my Mom was too busy controlling my life. She had no time to give others she was too busy being a busybody. Always quick to critisize, challange, demean. She was the control freak and I was independant.

Mother passed away 4 years ago next weekend. Now so much of it I don;t even think of. The bad stuff no longer comes to mind...like snapshots the good memories, although few are there.

Maybe your Mom thought she did such a good job that you were given independance and not in need of SMothering. May daughters friends' mother that just thought as she grew up, she didn;t need to be smothered. Instead the girl told my daughter she wished that she had a real Mom like De did.

The kind that make cookies, pies, took day trips to swim and parks.
I only can imagine what my own kids will say about me what kind of mother I was, LOL.

I think you are a special person, so loving and supportive and sharing to us here! You must have developed loving and caring someplace from some relative perhaps.

But as I use to hear from my husband, some day you won;t have ehr here to fight with and will wish she were....
I use to forget and sometimes I would go to the phone to call her. We talked three times a day, even though she was as she was....she was the only Mom I had.....

Maybe make a lsit of the good points of your Mom. Does she keep a clean home, visit shut ins, give to bake sales, help you spring clean, There must be something positive?
Did she ever help you with a school event, or make a dress, buy a special dress, send birthday cards she picked out just for you...the unspoken way to communicate between mother and dauther.

But remember, our mothers grew up in a different time...things were different, they were limited in jobs, education, suppressed....maybe even resentfulness happen to get into them from that supression. We have to be proud of our generation of Hippis, lol that faught for a voice, equal rights to do any job we wanted, and have a big mouth...

Our mothers grew up when there was tradition, now a path to forge.
Hugs to you today for being a wonderful daughter and friend to us.
di

I understand better now mari.
When you have little expectations then you don't set yourself up to be disappointed.... and then perhaps when she does do something out of the ordinary you will be surprised... this can apply to anyone ..spouses.... family....friends....coworkers...etc. somehow rereading this ..it doesn't sound right...does this make any sense to you?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Dear Di,

You write beautifully about mothers.
My mother does all those things you mention. She was a stay at home mom until I was a teenager. Dad was away in the military. ...So half the time, we had no dad with us.
And she did pass on a sense of independence. I am grateful for that.
She is educated but had a horrible childhood that she doesn't talk about.
When her mother was dying in the hospital for two months, she did not get on a plane to go visit her and her brothers and sisters.

Well, and my mother never helped me with spring cleaning.
I moved away when I was 17.

When I was out of a job because of bipolar she and Dad sent me rent money so that I would have a place to stay. They kept sending the money even after I got some low paying jobs.

I guess I have many memories with my mother but none of them are happy ones. She was trying hard to stay sane herself -- and she mostly accomplished that.

She passed onto me a huge sense of responsility and a need to take care of people -- I've been trying to shake this since my early 20s and making some progress.

I'm sad. And I am sad that I can't explain very well what is wrong right now. I do have some happy memories from childhood -- they involve my sister and brothers.


Perhaps I am freaking out because Dad says that they might visit me on Labor Day weekend in Sept. The last time they visited me about 15 years was not so good.
I saw them at their place last summer with hubby. The visit was so bad that I decided not to go back.

You are kind to write to me in the midst of your own trials.



M.

Dear Bizi,
Yes, this is about right.

What's weird is that she seemed to be the same way with her mother -- no expectations.
Even now in her 60s, my mother adopts older women. She likes to be around them and let them kind of mother her.
M.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((Mari))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))


Hope you are feeling better today.....


Nikko