thanks Mari. I wound up not going to the doctors. I didn't get much sleep last night although I did have three nightmares about my family and about Hammy and Morgy and my cats. They were such disturbing dreams. I took a nap this morning and just woke up at the time of my appointment. My appointment wouldn't have been productive. I think the incidents that bothered me stirred up all sorts of fears and some where expressed in my dreams. One was about supporting myself and I was young and my family abandoned me. At least when I woke up I told myself I didn't have no longer to worry about supporting myself...or my parents and sister doing away with my animals. I felt better. I still carry so many fears from my treatment by my parents and sister. Sometimes I think I am afraid to sleep for fear of these horrible nightmares.
My bipolar symptoms were present when I was very young and interfered with my feelings that I would be able to support myself although I often did but I had periods of unemployment and great problems with jobs. Of course I wasn't diagnosed until my fifties although I saw psychiatrists and used to just beat myself up and was plagued with worry and deep fears and my parents didn't know what to do with me. They provided me with the best education.
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
What helps with the dreams?
Have you always had them or is this something new?
ARe your kittys doing ok right now?
I know they provide much comfort for you...I know that we would be so upset if anything happened to ours....
bizi

I don't always remember my dreams but this morning I remembered a few...it helped when I realized some were based on past fears that were no longer applicable...I actually felt relieved when I realized that. I have told my psychiatrist different incidents in my life as to how my parents treated me and he said they were sadistic...he didn't say my sister was sadistic but he agreed that it was good that I have no contact with her as she has always been very cruel to me.
One of my cats needs to be groomed and has to be put under to have it done. He has to be stripped. My vet's wife who is the vet tech will do it at their office. Snowy's nose is always running and he has always been fragile so that scares me. I need him so much. I have been postponing having him stripped and feel so guilty at the same time.
I saw the big blow up of you and your twin...it was awesome....I also saw your other pictures...really neat. the halloween ones.
Bobby

I hope snowy will be ok. I will send good thoughts that little kitty is well and healthy so the grooming will go well.

Dear morgy,

I have stressful dreams virtually every night. The topics are different, though my long dead parents whom I loved appear often. However, one theme is predominant, my inchoate life. I am forever trying to complete some task that consistently eludes me, or trying to gather together dozens of items before I leave, concentrating, unsuccessfully, on not leaving anything behind.

dear mrs bear
thank you for your kind thoughts about snowy...I can't tell if he is stuffed up or what...I feel like such a dolt...I guess I will have to call Natasha, the vet tech and ask her if it is okay to bring him in. Years ago I got hammy and morgy because I didn't want to live and I knew that the only thing that would make me want to live was to have a dog. Boy was I ever right. People gently laughed at me how attached the three of us were. We had such separation anxiety that if i weren't with my dogs, people would ask where were they. I got two of them, littermates, because I didn't want one to be lonely if I had to leave one alone. Sure enough, that didn't work out. If I left them alone, they would howl for a while as if to say you forgot us or we all would be lost without each other. Although I have three kitty cats now and I love them dearly, I have this strange attachment to Snowy who is the least affectionate and the most fragile. I also think he wishes he were a dog.
When Morgy died, Snowy went to the window, every day looking out and he didn't do that before Morgy died. He did that for at least a month. Two months before Hammy died, he started paying all sorts of attention to Hammy, head butting, rubbing himself against Hammy, getting up and moving next to Hammy when Hammy started moving. It was as if he knew Hammy was going to die soon. He didn't go to the window after Hammy died. Snowy doesn't play with the other kitty cats. When I am in severe depressions, that is when Snowy usually comes up on the bed and pays attention to me. He is one unusual kitty cat. He has feline herpes. I have a huge webpage for that. I also started a yahoo group for feline herpes and now have over seven hundred members. It is a great group and because of Snowy, so many kitty cats have been helped. Herpes kitty cats are just so special.
Bobby

I am so sorry that you suffer from stressful dreams also and that they appear so often. I wonder how often you think of your parents during the time you are awake. You expressed that you loved your parents(I did too even though mine could be so cruel) so I am assuming that they treated you lovingly. I wonder if they handled your depressions. I don't know when your depressions started. People tend to feel so helpless around people who suffer from depression and usually can't deal with it. I think often times parents feel unconsciously guilty as if they were to blame somehow and sometimes express in forms of anger whether it be passive aggressive or not.
I just read that about sixty percent of people who suffer from depression suffer from anxiety too and your dreams sound like anxiety dreams. They also sound like dreams of an imperfect perfectionist...I could be way off base. I know that depression can be so crippling and if you are very bright it can be so frustrating if you measure your achievements to the standards to the outside world. They should give courses on accepting oneself and ones limitations if one suffers from depressions and stress how we should use different yardsticks to measure our worth. I think anybody who lives with depression is a hero...My soulmate suffered from major depression and attempted suicide three times in his short life. He was successful the third time and hung himself from a tree in his short life.
My psychiatrist is trying to teach me self acceptance by giving me an open platform during our short sessions and giving me rewards but never negative feedback. Unlike the real world, he doesn't pass judgment and usually only offers comments when I ask for them. He is gradually working his magic. I am growing less and less tolerant of people trying to impose their thoughts on me and indirectly criticising me when I don't think it is called for.
I think you are whole(i am thinking of your dominant dream) but probably need to learn more self acceptance. I could be way off base.
Bobby
ps I THINK WE MIGHT ALSO TRY TO OVERCOMPENSATE BECAUSE OF OUR FEELINGS OF DEPRESSION AND SET EVEN HIGHER STANDARDS FOR OURSELF WHICH MIGHT FIT IN WITH BEING AN IMPERFECT PERFECTIONIST

Pets are wonderful. I too at times in my life thought that the only reason I would stay alive was for my dogs. It was true.

The story of your pets is heart warming. They are amazing.

I just posted in another post about my 2 dogs and 2 cockatiel birds. They keep me going, and they have their own little personality's and make me laugh and they love unconditionally. They know more than we think they do, their senses are very intense. At least I think so. The attachment between myself and my dogs and even my birds is something very special.

I worry when I am not with them. I think I suffer separation anxiety from them. My mom says when I leave the house, they howl and bark for a bit.

I know they help my depression too.

As far as dreams, I have very vivid, wierd dreams that usually make no sense, I think those are from the medication sometimes, or it has to do with something that happened the prior day or a upcoming event that could be stressful, it's like I live it in my dream first.

Anyway, I hope you are feeling better and I hope your kitty is better too.

Hugs, Nikko

It sounds as if we have a lot in common. We are blessed in the area of our companions. Gee I never realized I was an animal lover until somebody pointed it out. At one time, I had fourteen birds, mostly rescues. I started rescuing birds when I was a little girl.
Well my depression is turning more into rage. I am so angry. Everything is triggering me. I feel so antisocial. I am taking my medications and two m of risperdal and two klonopin besides the others. I can't imagine what I would be like if I didn't take them. Everything is getting me angry and upset. I haven't been like this since before I was put on medication. I am going to force myself to go to the doctors on Friday. I really don't feel like seeing or talking to anybody. I am afraid I might say something that I will regret later.
Bobby

Dear Bobby,

I'm not familiar with anger so it sounds scary to me. I hope that you are managing and will be better soon.
Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe. It helps me most of the time to know that I have an appointment coming up soon and that I have to go to it.
Maybe your pdoc really can help you. I'm praying that he can.
'Sending good thoughts.

Mari