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Old 12-28-2014, 09:51 PM #1
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Default I'm struggling

I just needed to make a new thread I guess. I've been struggling with this, too. I can't seem to start anything... too hard, too many decisions, agh, agh, freak out, oh no, stop, go away, do mindless stuff quick.... etc.

So basic update on current struggles. Just on self/health, not even gonna start on situational... yet.

I am having:

-- Bad depression

-- Bad anxiety (maybe depression-driven)

-- Stomach issues/can't eat much (maybe anxiety-driven)

-- Head cold/viral thingy


I just need a place to put my stuff.

okthxbai.

waves
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Old 12-28-2014, 10:02 PM #2
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And it is 29 degrees here, not 41. Stupid airport weather station.
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Old 12-28-2014, 10:37 PM #3
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Heart

Waves,

The malfunction of the stupid airport weather station is not helpful.


These are serious except we hope for the last . . . The head cold /viral
thing we hope will clear up with time. In the meantime of course, it magnifies the other issues.

The Stomach issues not being settled is bad in its own right and also makes the other less bare-able.

What can you do to solve the depression? Does it lesson sometimes?
Do you have meds for it?
Has the same depression been around for months and months?

Is it better some days or maybe better at certain times of the day?
Does it get better (or less bad) with certain actives?

I can send hope your way. I have hope that things will get better.


M
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Old 12-28-2014, 11:42 PM #4
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Default the depression

The depression is new...ish. I have certainly felt down a lot in recent months -- but there were reasons, too. I don't really consider it depression until/unless it gets bad. This is bad. 2 weeks is the cut-off for a Major Depressive Episode by DSM coding. I'm past 1 week already.

I see my therapist/ex-pdoc again in January. If it is still bad, I will see if he thinks I need meds or whether it could still be a "normal" reaction to very bad but unfortunately real things in my life.

I was a little better off today, but partly because I have been left alone. Really left alone. And this takes a little pressure off is all. I still feel bad, but I don't feel watched, don't have to answer questions, especially not about food, dammit. And I thought about going outside? Just to get about. See the pretty bits of snow left? Could care friggin less about the friggin pretty snow.

==============
Christmas was awful, was at it with mom all day. And yesterday finally had a melt down at her. She has been asking things over and over, about food, to boot. At one point she really fussed at me, "I need to know what you are going to eat...!" Seriously? When I cannot stick a piece of bread in my mouth without feeling it for the next 2 hours, I'm drinking baking soda just to stay sane on top of my prescription acid-reducers, and you "need to know" what I will eat? Geezus freaking please. I finally lost it, bad. I bellowed at her to leave me the hell alone, just leave me the hell alone, why can't you.... (repeat ad nauseum for like 5 minutes). She got mad or hurt enough to retreat.

As for me.... I cried. Alone. Without having to totally smother myself and hide, for once.

She has barely been talking to me. I made efforts today to be nice to her, and things have settled a bit, but honestly, I need her not to chat at me all the time, and not require decisions from me, especially not about food! I don't think it's so hard to follow the indications I gave her: "Do not include me in meal plans. I will forage in the fridge."
==============

I spent days bent double crying or avoiding crying, and shaking, and just feeling sick all over from life. There have been multiple bad peaks like that. I've gone out walking... in this cold I ordinarly keep up a pace... can't. I am interested in nothing. I watch zero tv, and have piles of recorded DVR stuff... more piling up.

Legs of lead. Heart of stone. Mind of mulch.

I used to differentiate depressions by quality. The hazy grey ones where the mind and emotions simply fade, and one carelessly becomes a wisp, at one with nothingness. The deep thoughtful ones, where a gentle sadness hangs softly over the heart, cradling it into a woeful sleep. The dark, heavy, murky, deep sludgy ones, where one wants to sink into a bog, never to return. The painful ones where desperation gouges a hole one's gut, and leave one crying for mercy, even to gods in which one doesn't believe.

This depression is all of them rolled together. It is the badass mother of depressions.

-- It is wispy and I feel myself fading.
-- It is softly sad and quietly weepy at times.
-- It is dark, sludgy and massive.
-- It is excruciating and desperate at times.

And while I'd not say it's mixed exactly, not inherently anyway, my reactions can get pretty high up on the irascible scale. Messing with me -- or even crossing me -- right now is a bit like messing with a wounded animal. I've nowhere to run, or hide. So I bite.

waves

P.S. I've adopted a new weather station but I can't show the time with this sticker.
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Old 12-29-2014, 12:17 AM #5
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Heart irascible -- cool word for what you describe

Waves,

Quote:
Originally Posted by waves View Post
I fin[/B]ally lost it, bad. I bellowed at her to leave me the hell alone, just leave me the hell alone, why can't you.... (repeat ad nauseum for like 5 minutes). She got mad or hurt enough to retreat.


As for me.... I cried. Alone. Without having to totally smother myself and hide, for once.

She has barely been talking to me. I made efforts today to be nice to her, and things have settled a bit, but honestly, I need her not to chat at me all the time, and not require decisions from me, especially not about food! I don't think it's so hard to follow the indications I gave her: "Do not include me in meal plans. I will forage in the fridge."

The Broken Record Technique is effective.

Even though you preferred not to have to use it and at a cost, you got what you wanted. I hope that she lets you forage.

Quote:
Legs of lead. Heart of stone. Mind of mulch.
This really sxxx, Waves, and you need to contact your guy. It is time to bring someone in to help you.


Quote:
This depression is all of them rolled together. It is the badass mother of depressions.
I am worried about you.

The crying: Waves, if we were close enough I would find a way to get you to the ER. What ever time line you said here and in the earlier post I feel is longer than you make it out to be.
Do the equivalent of the ER and get competent immediate progressional help.
As I have said over and over again (maybe not recently but it is documented here), bipolar/ mental illness/ incompacity is not a do-it-yourself job.
Reach out. Get a team.

Let them throw you a life line.


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Old 12-29-2014, 12:21 AM #6
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Thumbs up Waves,

Thanks for the weather station.
It works.
We can celebrate small victories along with the not so small.

Mari
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Old 12-29-2014, 12:52 AM #7
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Red face No, please, no ER. Suffering yes, but not in danger.

Thanks, Mari.

Especially thanks for understanding about the screaming. I feel so awkward, and ashamed, and then I do that, and it is really shameful behavior, really shameful. And of course I feel more ashamed, and guilty. I thought a lot about how to change it. I am working on some ideas. I will try to channel people -- people who can respond better to those situations. But so far, impulse has gotten the better of me.

As to your worry. I am sorry. Maybe this will reassure you: I am not in danger of suicide. Not wanting to be, wishing I weren't, etc., that is different, and that is the case at times (not always). But I am not thinking about it or setting about making it so.

I already have an appointment in January. 2nd week, when my buses pick up. I do not feel I need to go anywhere before then, nor could I get an appointment any sooner. It's actually better to go a little longer. The horribleness really came on fast, and the severe part has been less than 2 weeks. I noted it near the beginning, in a dated document, so seeing it was keeping on, I was able to go back and stick that date in my migraine log (where Excel does the math). The appointment will be 3-4 weeks in. If he saw me sooner than that, the doctor would say to wait and see.

I'm not in an emergency situation, and even if I were, the ER is here perfectly hopeless for these things. They are hopeless unless you are having a heart attack or have a visibly broken leg, and even then it's like a box of Forrest Gump's chocolates.

Even though ER's in the US are more competent, I honestly do not feel I am ER material. The desperation might be what is scaring you. It is a feeling, a deep, cutting feeling, but it does not go anywhere and it does not cause me to do anything. I am helpless to it, but that, at least, does not stay. It happens in waves. If that quality stayed, I would have texted my therapist/pdoc by now.

I feel that I am stable, even if that stability is way, way below baseline right now. I do not know if it qualifies as "depression" (I kind of think so by quality) because of the sad events and difficult processing I am doing. In other words, how much of this is a "normal" reaction to heavy stimuli, and how much if any is pathological.

I'd think only bereavement could cause this degree of emotional ailing. But some of the news I had comes sort of close to that, in a way, and it came in a painful package to boot. (I will not go into those details here.)

Then there are other things, too. There was the shock of seeing my friends' successes. Their resumes, their positions, their lifestyles. Where I have not been comparing myself, suddenly, the comparisons were in my face. I was hearing people exchange offers and talk about jobs... I could barely follow what they were saying. It was frightening, and humiliating. I had to smile and make pretty. I made Candy Crush jokes and made myself even more ridiculous... if ya can't beat 'em, beat up on yourself. When I did talk about seeking work, some showed disdainful disinterest. Others seemed keen to help, but could not. They cannot reinvent my life.

But I MUST. I must do exactly that: reinvent my life. And it looks like I'll have to rebuild it from ground zero. I quake under that mountain of a proposition.

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Old 12-29-2014, 10:44 AM #8
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i think it was a huge transition from spending time with your friends in the US and then coming back. that could be very depressing. i wish i could do something to make you feel better. you handled yourself well in the us which shows that you are competent and have good nonvirtual friends. that is so positive.
love you
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Old 12-29-2014, 11:36 AM #9
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Thank you, Bobby.

I do have good non-virtual friends. It was amazing to see that the "connection" with each of them was stilll there. Well, all but one, and maybe it was there, but tainted by bigger things.

There was a lot of hard stuff. A lot. And I really didn't process things much while I was there. I did some... and I did have some down days there, but there was a lot of socializing even just at home, and then later the kids. So I did have to take time alone, merely to regroup from all the human contact. And maybe I didn't quite regroup entirely.

I also slept with one eye open, and with the lights on, for 5 weeks straight, because of the bug situation. That's nights I actually slept. That is a lot of vigilance.

I guess many things about the trip, both good and bad, were ultimately exhausting. Maybe it was not such a good call to stay 5 weeks. I guess I OD'd. LOL. It sure didn't feel like an OD though. I cried a couple times just thinking about having to come back here. And that was not about my friends at all. The place feels more natural to me.

I don't know if all these things should be able to overwhelm me, or if one should feel this bad. Maybe when you add it all up... it's quite plausible. That's what I want to ask my therapist. We will see. Maybe I will feel better by then.

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Old 12-29-2014, 12:22 PM #10
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Waves

Sending you some hugs.

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