I must be starting my mid-life crisis early.

When I was 3, I wanted to be 18. I had no idea what I wanted to be, just that I wanted to be 18.

My senior year of high school I thought about being and English Literature teacher at some little college somewhere. That is, if I didn't make it BIG on Broadway first.

Then Wes came into my life and I haven't thought of any of that since. Well, till now.

Ever wonder what would have happened and where we would be now if we had made different decisions?

Everyone, including complete strangers, knew I was leaving my home town before I knew it. I couldn't get a job there because everyone kept saying I wasn't going to be around town long. I didn't get a scholarship for education for the same reason. They told me they didn't believe I would stay in town. (And it was for local school teachers.)

Weird.

It's funny you should be asking this Mrs. Bear because I've been thinking a lot this past week. I wonder if I should have stayed with my abusive, cheating husband I'd be where I am at right now. He begged me to come back but I refused. He beat the crap out of me so many times but I kept forgiving him. Why? Because I didn't want to die alone. But I still thought everything was "okay". Then he comes home on Valentines Day no less and tells me he doesn't want to be married anymore.

Now I sit here and ponder what would have been. I might have had children which I so desperately wanted. I read a lot here about how people have no one, no family. You have no idea. My boss sold his practice and we have a new 401K plan. So I had to fill out new beneficiary forms. Do you have any idea how embarrassing it is to put down that your primary beneficiary is the Humane Society of the US and your secondary beneficiary is the Prevention to Cruely to Animals? That's having no one.

I'm so glad to see a post from you Mrs. Bear. I hope the Lithium is still working for you. And I hope Wes is doing better.

Yes Bear I know exactly that.
I was in bed today far too long just laying there just thinking what was the point to getting up.
I felt so pointless.
Finally I forced myself out of bed saying...go live life.
I need to get thinking better and do something else in the here and now.
Girlie,
I am sorry that you are suffering by yourself....
how is your tummy today?
I ended up going to the gym and walking on the tred mill 30 minutes...so that is something...had not been in far too long.
~sigh
bizi

Hi, Bear,
I feel like that when I am anxious.
After spending an hour and a half in a friend's pool earlier, I am relaxed tonight -- so no worries about how I got here. Tonight, I am grateful that I am here and hopeful about the future.

M.

Bizi one thing I've found out about BP is that idle time wrecks havoc on my mind. Way too much thinking. And I've sure had way too much time on my hands. I woke up this morning and it's Father's Day and right away I thought what if I didn't ask for so many "things" my dad would be here today.

BP - that's a wonderful thing you did putting the Humane Society and the Prevention of Cruelty to animals as your beneficiary's. I am an animal lover.

I know the abusive husband deal for sure, and you are much better off without him.

What did I want to be when I grew up? Well first a nurse, then a flight attentant, but finally a Vet, never got to be anything I really wanted. Worked in banks and corporate companies doing accouting and payroll, and I hated Math in school, go figure, it was a pay check. Maybe if I had my BP diagnosed early in life, my life would of went a much different way.

Hugs, Nikko

Oh my dear MeBP. I feel so badly that you are feeling so alone. I wish I knew how to help you feel better. But I have pretty big shoulders and you are welcome to both of them.

bizi, love...I love your thought process. "Get up and live life." Somedays, that's the hardest damned thing to do.

Mari, I have been pretty anxious. (Wes is learning how to drive. YIKES.) So maybe that triggered off the thought process.

Nikko, sometimes I wonder if earlier diagnosis would have caused me to make different decisions.

Funny thing is this; if I hadn't made the decisions I did, getting pregnant with Wes and marrying my kids' dad, moving everywhere with him, deciding to have my Con too, getting the education I did, choosing the jobs that I did, staying with my ex as long as I did and then choosing to leave him when I did..............well, I WOULDN'T be here now.

I wouldn't have my kids. I wouldn't have my stressfull, yet somehow rewarding , job. And most importantly, I wouldn't have found my husband of present. And he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

He is stable and kind and loving. He is forgiving and honest and loyal.

I'd be a fool to announce to one and all that I am not happy with my current circumstances.

So I have to say, every single moment of my past life was worth it since it brought me to today.

But once and awhile I wonder if I could have made it on Broadway.