We ate dinner at 7pm last night. The ham came out good.

I was looking forward to spending some time with my husband since he's at his mother's today, but he started drinking at 2pm yesterday and passed out just after 8.

He left about 1pm today and said he'll "be back soon." I don't expect to see or hear from him until after 7. He'll be drinking, so he'll probably be passed out by 8 again tonight.

I didn't want to make a big deal about the holidays this year, as I need to avoid the stress, but I hoped for something more.

I'm in the middle of doing Christmas laundry now. How festive.

Kay,

It is o.k. that you had a low key (disappointing) Christmas.

You worked hard (and for a long time) to be o.k. at Christmas. You did better than o.k. Celebrate your victories.
Congratulate yourself with some hugs and high fives.


====
Re anxiety mixed with either depression or mania:
There was a 4 year period in which my medications were very wrong, but I did not know at the time how to explain what was going on and pdocs were
less alert to it than they are now.
I was probably mixed those whole 4 years and I do not know how I managed to still be around when the meds got fixed except with sheer force of will, a lot of luck, and some good will from the gods.

=====

Keep taking care of yourself.:heartthrob:

M

Thank you Mari :hug:

I am proud of myself for all the "work" I did this year... it was a struggle. I'm a lot more resilient than I thought.

My husband's also angry about what I'll call my "missing years." He was telling me for years I was on the wrong meds and he's angry I didn't listen, but I was just taking what the pdocs prescribed. He believes I had more control over the situation than I did.
He made a comment last night about me not being the same person- in a good way. He said it may seem to me like I'm the same person, but I'm not because I'm off all the drugs they had me on before. I know he's right.

I was very upset last night because I called my sister and aunt yesterday and left voice mails, but neither one of them called me back. They didn't even send "Merry Christmas" texts. Not hearing back from them left me feeling rejected and alone.
I texted my sister this morning to ask if my nephews liked their presents. She texted me back that they did, said "Merry Christmas," and sent me a cute pic of the two boys together. Better late than never I guess.

I was sad most of the day, but my husband came home around 7pm and I felt much better. He stayed up past 11 with me watching Christmas movies. All I needed for Christmas was him :)

I've been engaging in catastrophic thinking for the last couple of days, so I'm clearly dealing with high anxiety. I've been taking advantage of the 3mg of klonopin I'm allowed daily (she doesn't care how I take it) and it's paying off. I can now say with confidence, that the extra 50mg of seroquel took care of the hypomania :) Thank God.

your husband loves you so much. that is so great!!!and thensome. I wonder if he does any analysis about his drinking...maybe too much to ask for.
bobby

My husband knows he's an alcoholic, but doesn't care. He has no desire to quit or cut back. I won't harp on him because it will not help, and only make him angry.

He only analyzes his drinking in terms of excuses... not being able to sleep even though he hasn't tried laying down... being stressed out, etc. He seldom admits to having a hangover.

He has a lot of anxiety and I think he uses alcohol to calm it and forget his troubles.

He won't go to a tdoc or pdoc. He went once after I was diagnosed with MS, but he barely lasted 2 months. I wouldn't approve of him taking a benzo because of how much he drinks. When I was drinking heavily I'd never take my klonopin.

I was so skinny for so long, it's good I gained the weight back, but now I'm getting too heavy. I'd like to be about 10lbs lighter. I think it's the seroquel because I started gaining weight pretty quickly since I started taking it. BF said weight gain is a side effect.

I bought a pair of size 10 jeans online because I only have one pair of jeans that fit. They're too small. I'll have to lose weight before I can wear them.

I'm going to get on my exercise bike again... I'm going to tape packing material to the seat so I don't get a bedsore again though. I don't need to deal with another one of those.

when i was much older i asked my father who stopped drinking in his sixties why he drank. he gave me an honest answer. he said it made him feel good. I think you are right. it has to come from him. My mother used to nag him and it just made things worse like starting another fight. Maybe when your husband feels less stress he will cut back.
bobby

apples are slowly working to help me loss all the weight i put on in the past few months. they lessen my appetite and give me something sweet or tart to eat.
I don't know about you but i eat out of anxiety. right now i want some chinese food but i won't. good luck!
bobby

Hi, Kay,

I am concerned about the catastrophic thinking.
But happy to hear that you are taking Klononpin.


Your husband sounds sweet -- with his past concern about your meds.
Does he feel more comfortable with the ones you are on now?

M

The catastrophic thinking is just a product of my anxiety. I guess it's quite common. Klonopin takes care of it. I'm taking 1 1/2- 2mg in the am right now.
The intrusive thoughts are more significant, but they come less often since the 50mg increase in seroquel.

My husband is much more comfortable with the meds I'm on now, but he's not always very sweet about it... my being better now reminds him of how I was before, and it often makes him angry. He's sure I could have gotten better sooner. Even though he's happy I'm better, it remains a sore subject.


I saw pdoc today. She was very happy about the turn quick fix for the hypomania. However, I'm still on alert. I don't have to see her for another month. If I become symptomatic again, I will just up the gabapentin and call her to let her know I did so. I will go in sooner if that doesn't work.

Diet isn't really playing a role in my weight gain (it never played a role in my weight loss either). I'm on a high dose of seroquel and it's hard to keep/take any weight off since I'm so sedentary.
I'm about the same weight as I was when my husband and I met, but I had a lot of muscle. I don't have any muscle anymore.