[bizi]

I am sorry kay.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[OhKay]

Tuesday there was no water in the morning.
Yesterday one of the washers was broken AND WE LOST HEAT. Someone from maintenance finally came by around 5pm to fix it. By that time it was under 60 degrees in the apartment (it was about 25 degrees out). I guess I should feel lucky that someone came AT ALL

So that ordeal was enough to get me to pull out the lease to take another look at it. It ends August 1st, and we have to renew or give notice we are moving by June 1st. So, it won't be too long before I have to start seriously looking for a new apartment. Now I feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I know I should not be doing things like this, especially right now, but yesterday I opened the slider and threw all 4 LARGE couch pillows and all 3 cushions from the love seat on the lawn in front of the patio, took a couple of trips to put them in the car, and then I drove them over to the dumpster. My husband was upset that I did it because I really shouldn't be doing anything like that, but at the same time he was happy to have them gone because it's less work for him. He seems to view the rest of the furniture pieces as easier to deal with now that he won't have to make a bunch of trips to take care of the little stuff. Whether or not he will get to it and get it over with anytime soon… IDK.

That room desperately needs a really good cleaning, which I can do once that furniture is gone and I'm feeling up to it (whenever the hell that is). And I want a new couch, and that's not going to happen until he gets rid of the furniture in that room now… because that's where he'll move the old couch when the new one gets here!!!

I thought I was done buying linens, but my husband told me last night he wanted me to buy another set of the sheets I bought off Amazon that just arrived. I'm just waiting for him to tell me he wants new pillows, too. lol.

I feel lousy this morning, but I set myself up for another busy day today. I'm going to get a manicure and a haircut, but at two different places. I don't know how pampered I'll feel after I run the other errands on my list tho.

I need to make a to-do list for today so I don't miss anything and end up having to go out tomorrow. I may do some laundry, but that's it. I really, really need to rest.

[bizi]

enjoy your hair cut!
Your work makes me tired reading about it, please be careful.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi
glad that your lease is almost up. good luck finding a new safer, newer home.

[Mari]

I love throwing stuff out. It is freeing.

Enjoy the hair cut and manicure.



M

[OhKay]

I love throwing things out too, Mari. I think "freeing" is an excellent way to describe the feeling. I wish I was physically capable of doing it more of it. We have so many things around that we just don't need that are taking up space, but they remain because my husband is, sorry, but lazy. And he just has SO MUCH ****!!! I told him that he's going to have to go through it before we move because it's not all coming with us this time. He agreed to that, but we'll see…

I say, "we'll see" in regards to my husband's behavior an awful lot lol.
It's supposed to rain today, so there's no way he'll take that furniture to the dumpster, but we're supposed to have good weather tomorrow. I'll bring the subject up at breakfast and hope he won't find any good excuses not to do it.

Most of my running around has been in search of linens: bath mats (2 sets), towels, and sheets and I think I've figured out why…
Last week (?) the toilet overflowed and I went into OCD overdrive. I threw out the bath mats and the towels I used to sop up the dirty water because they could never be clean to me again. I bleached every surface in the bathroom 3 times… but obviously that wasn't enough. I've cleaned the BR at least 4 times since.

I'm usually driven like this when I'm hypo/manic (I'm definitely not right now tho), but in this case I think my OCD is compelling me to go out and search for and buy all these things to make the bathroom clean/new again or something. I'm not shopping for or spending money on anything else. I'm just fixated on **** that goes in the linen closet. I wish making sense of things fixed problems things this, but it doesn't.

Anyway, I've decided we need new pillows, and my husband has decided we need another set of towels. He's not exactly helping, but I'm sure I'll be satisfied at some point. There isn't much left to replace.

[bizi]

Isn't it hard to discern what is bipolar symptoms? I guess a manic episode lasts longer...not sure what the DSM what ever number they are up to now???? states the length of duration to qualify.
anyway. good luck with the pillows! hubby has a thing about pillows he has to try many/multiple pillows before he picks out the perfect pillow. It takes a long time picking out a new pillow!!!!!
bizi

[Mari]

Kay,

I would have thrown away the bath mats and towels and such too because
I would never be able to look at them or use them the same way again ---
-- no matter logically how clean I knew they were.

I hope that at some point the two of you can be satisfied / be able to take it easy.


m

[OhKay]

Sometimes it's hard for me to discern dysphoric/mixed hypomania from a severe flare up of a combination of OCD and PTSD which may precede or trigger it until it gets pretty bad. And sometimes I have a hard time picking up on hypomania early if it's mild because it feels like heightened anxiety. I do catch on tho.

In this case I'm absolutely certain I'm not hypo. If I was, it would be a euphoric episode, but:
I always have more energy during those episodes, but I'm worn out and am taking 4-5 hour naps and am getting my 7-8 hours in every night now,
My thinking would usually get clearer and more rapid, but instead I'm having a lot of difficulty with my cognitive function,
My spending in general increases, but right now it's restricted to one specific area, and
I almost always embark on some ridiculous cleaning project in the beginning. While I did a lot of cleaning in the bathroom, it was only because it was "contaminated" and had to be cleaned up to my OCD standards. Otherwise, I haven't had the energy to keep up with my housework.

I've managed to stay in and rest the last two days. We ordered out last night because I didn't feel like cooking… I always feel guilty doing that, but sometimes I need a break, especially on weekends when the expectation is I'll be cooking 3 meals a day.

I have to do an inventory in the kitchen to see if I have to do grocery shopping today or if I can get away with putting it off for another day. I'm going to try to resist going out to buy pillows and towels. That revolves around how early I shower and how I feel afterwards I guess.

[bizi]

You sound like you are very self aware sweetie.
good luck with your day/sunday.
I wish you had more of a partner to help you with your day.
(((((HUGS and LOVE)))))
bizi

[OhKay]

I got away with not food shopping, but will have to deal with that today

I did buy pillows, but not at Kohl's where I have coupons for today. My husband's Laura Ashley pillows that I bought at Bed, Bath, and Beyond are hard and got warped pretty quickly, but the Ralph Lauren Pillows I bought for myself at Macy's stayed fairly soft and kept their shape. Macy's was having a sale, so I went there yesterday and bought 4 Ralph Lauren pillows for 50% off and the cashier also applied another discount, so I spent $33 for all 4, which I think is a very good deal. I would rather spend my money on a product I know is good quality vs. taking a chance on something else even if it may be cheaper. I slept well last night

I'm going to Kohl's today to buy the towels my husband likes, and hopefully that should end my linen quest. I need a new pair of jeans, and may buy a pair only if they are on sale. I do have $10 off and 20% off coupons, but jeans are expensive.


I got pretty upset yesterday, and and when he asked me what was wrong, I unburdened myself and told him I was frustrated because I'm constantly tired and feel like ****, I'm afraid to take naps (but have to) because I'm worried I won't wake up, I can barely pee, my OCD is dragging my *** all over the place, I feel like a ****ing moron because of my cognitive problems, my ****ty computer was making things even harder because it's constantly crashing and I can't update things or use certain features because it's so old, I've been very worried about a good friend for a long time, and I'm frustrated because we have a bunch of **** laying around because he always has excuses for not taking it out.

He listened, and tried to be comforting and understanding about everything except the furniture he won't take out. He said we "just" rearranged the living room… but that was the week of my surgery, which was on the 3rd.

Then I took about a 4 hour nap, and as usual, I still felt like crap.

I had my pity party yesterday and it's time to move on. I feel better this morning.