[OhKay]

Last post of old thread:

My anxiety is, well, "not good" right now. It's mainly an increase in OCD thinking. I checked my pill minder and all my meds are in order. It's not out of control though. The klonopin is helping, but there is a change, so I have to be mindful of that. I'm up from 1/2mg of klonopin to 2.5mg a day over the last 2 days and that's significant. I'm pushing my limit.

I have an idea about what could be causing, or at least contributing to, the increased anxiety (maybe I'll write about it tomorrow?). Hopefully once that situation is resolved, I'll feel better. I just have to be careful about how bad this gets and how long it lasts, and make sure it doesn't lead to something worse. Right now my mood is stable.

If this persists and/or the klonopin can't control it, I'll go see my pdoc who will likely max me out on seroquel. I really don't want to go now because I don't want to do that for something that could be temporary. I can often find ways to manipulate myself and reduce my anxiety to a manageable level if given enough time…. but that usually applies to increases in GAD.

[Dmom3005]

Kay
This may seem odd or weird. But my anxiety gets worse when it gets
hot. Whether I'm inside or outside.

Donna

[OhKay]

My anxiety hasn't improved. It was worse yesterday. I just had a bunch of **** thrown at me that I just wasn't up to dealing with, but my anxiety is still fairly manageable working with the 3mg of klonopin.

I don't know if you remember, but I was supposed to take a big hit this month with a roughly $630 auto insurance payment, but my agent was able to arrange for that to be spread out over the three remaining months of the policy…
But I got an email last night reminding me that that $630 payment would be withdrawn from my account on the 16th, so I freaked out. Of course the co. was closed, so I had to sit on it all night and this morning until they opened. My husband applied plenty of pressure to "fix the ****," because he was, "****ing sick of it."
I called at 9:01am. Oddly, only half of the adjusted payment was due to be withdrawn, so I ended up making a $160 one time payment on top of the scheduled EFT to get things back on track. I'm going to have to keep an eye on things because I obviously can't rely on anything they email or mail me.
I don't even want to think about how outrageous the cost of our policy will be, or my husband's reaction to it will be, when it's time to renew it at the end of August. But of course I am thinking about it.


I received a text from an unknown number yesterday saying, "Hey." I asked who it was, but got no response. I have a feeling I know who it is, and the contact is not welcome. He was a "friend" I hung out with during my manic period when I was separated from my husband. Even though I was ****ed up, I knew back then he was a bad person, and told him repeatedly to stop contacting me. He resurfaced again trying to call and text me about 6 months ago and I told him to **** off again. My husband got angry because he knew he was a male I hung out with while we were separated. I'm not entirely sure if it is him because I deleted the ***hole's number a long time ago, but it's obviously someone I severed contact with for a reason if I deleted their number, too. My main concern is my husband getting angry again because it doesn't take much to set him off. It's very upsetting. I just hope that whoever it was realized I didn't recognize their number because I deleted it, and that will deter them from contacting me again. It would be even better if I was a wrong number.


My father-in-law is coming up from Florida, and will be here this weekend. I think that's triggering the big increase in my anxiety. I'm not terribly nervous about seeing him because we have a pretty close relationship. We're in regular contact. I haven't seen him in two years, but that's because he lives in Florida and didn't make the trip North last year.

I'm really worried because usually our visits with my father-in-law include my sister-in-law. I haven't seen her (or his mother or step father) since before my husband and I separated about two years ago, even though my husband and I have been back together for a year and a half. I know she didn't support our reconciliation, but I have no idea what her current feelings are because my husband doesn't talk about things like that. I don't ask because I really don't want to know. I think the possibility of having to face her and being rejected is what's triggering more memories, the heightened anxiety, and the OCD thinking.

We always take my father-in-law to the same diner on Father's Day when he's up north. I spoke to my husband and texted my father-in-law to let them both know I wouldn't be going. I really don't want it to be awkward and ruin Father's Day, I don't want to make my sister-in-law uncomfortable, and I just don't have the fortitude to sit through a breakfast with two of my husband's relatives I haven't seen in the two years since our separation and my s/s attempt. I thought making this decision, and making it known early, would help alleviate some of my anxiety, but it hasn't.

When I texted my father-in-law yesterday, I expected a fairly simple conversation. Instead it led to an uncomfortable conversation about my separation from my husband. I really, really, really didn't need that.

It was a **** day.

So far this morning, I feel a lot better than yesterday. I slept in, but still woke up like a shot with high anxiety again. It's about noon and I'm only at 1mg of klonopin, but that's only because I'm about to leave the house and am uncomfortable driving on more than that right now.

[Dmom3005]

Kay

It sounds like you found the issue for your anxiety. Maybe you can explain
to your father-in-law better why after you see him.

I totally understand.

Donna

[OhKay]

Yesterday was a much better day. I was able to clear up the insurance mess early, so eventually the stress over that faded away. I went out for a quick errand. It was sunny out, so it was a good day to get out for a little while following several sedentary days locked up in the apartment. I was back down to 2mg of klonopin and was actually able to take a nap.

This morning I woke up with less anxiety. I'm hoping that I'm going to have an even better day today

I told my father-in-law only that I wasn't going to be going to breakfast on Father's Day because I didn't want my sister-in-law to feel uncomfortable, and he did understand. I told him I'd already discussed the matter with my husband and asked him not to mention it to my sister-in-law. Meddling is sort of in his nature, and this is a sensitive subject.

I don't discuss the extent of my issues with anxiety and OCD with my husband. When things are bad, he can sometimes tell something's off, but he can't tell what it is. I internalize (probably because growing up my family members could always smell blood in the water), and he's not very astute, so I can hide things very well. There's a snowball's chance in hell I would admit to him how much facing his sister (or other family members) would effect me. He would turn it around on me, and it would ignite an argument about what a piece of **** he thinks I am.

I've decided I want to get the upgraded version of the Keurig coffee brewer, and I'm going to go check it out in person today. I want to make sure it's not a behemoth and will fit on our countertop before I buy it online. I have a coupon for BBB, and if I can use it, the price would be competitive. I may end up bringing one home today.

Before I can even think about leaving the house, I have to win today's battle of the laundry wars. I started at 7am and it's about 9 now… I have one load in the dryer and one still in the washer. The times are staggered so there's no way I can shower while the laundry is going. I don't want to find my laundry on the floor…

[Mari]

Kay,

That is good that your f-in-law and you settled the non-breakfast on father's day.
I understand about not telling your husband these things.

Did the upgraded version of the Keurig coffee brewer pass your inspection?

Mari

[OhKay]

Yesterday morning started out well.

It took me 4 hours to finish my laundry. Luckily I started early at 7am, so that didn't bother me as much as usual.

While waiting for my laundry, I started battling with my printer. First, it wouldn't print because the "magenta" ink (which I did not need) was low, then I couldn't get it to connect to my wireless network (which I was forced to reset Monday) because the wireless signal was too weak (AGAIN).

I took a quick shower and went out to run many errands…

After taking a look at the new updated Keurig, and realizing I'd be saving $30, I took one home! It has all the options I wanted, and it's very pretty. Absolutely no buyer's remorse.

I set up the Keurig when I got home. Then I installed new ink cartridges in the printer and some how managed to get it online and print the documents I needed from the insurance co.

I worked myself up into a frenzy trying to get everything done. I don't know how well the klonopin would have worked during the day because I was only on 1mg while I was out because I was driving, but I took another mg when I got home and settled down a bit.

I did way too much yesterday. I definitely did not get enough sleep after all of yesterday's activities. I have to run to the post office, but otherwise will be resting at home today.

I'm thinking about going to the club tomorrow, but that depends on whether or not I'm able to get any housework done today.
Last week I did my grocery shopping on Friday. I would like to put it off until Saturday this week if I can.

[OhKay]

The Mucinex DM is really doing the job. I'm still taking the Zyrtec, too. I'm so happy that it doesn't seem like this will linger or lead to a trip to the doctor

I don't know if my father-in-law forgot about our conversation, or I'm not privy to other conversations because my husband decided to keep me in the dark, but my father-in-law was under the impression that I would be at breakfast this morning even though I had told him I would not be going and why. I did not go, and he is bull****. I didn't want to make my sister-in-law uncomfortable or ruin father's day for him, but I bet I ended up doing both. I told him it wasn't my sister-in-law's fault, and she probably didn't even expect me to be invited. I hope she doesn't get blamed. My husband should have handled all of this. He obviously didn't, but if it's a **** show, I'll be the bad guy. The jury's still out because they're still eating breakfast.

After breakfast with his father, my husband is going to his mother's to visit his step father. I didn't get him a card, but will send him a text. Sometimes they will return texts, sometimes not. Whatever.

[Mari]

K,

'Glad to hear that the Mucinex and Zyrtec is working.

Any man whether, it was father in law or husband, could easily not
remember/ not have paid attention enough / not passed on the info from you.
You did more than your part in getting the info out.

Jeeze. Your husband had to go to two fathers' days? I was on the phone with
my dad Sunday and did not even say Happy F's Day or send a card or anything.
(I am so removed from the culture of holidays that I am weird and free.)

I hope you had a good day.

M

[OhKay]

My father-in-law's feelings were hurt because I didn't go to breakfast, he's mad at me, and is laying the guilt trip on pretty thick. My husband said it went well, he had a good time, and his father would get over me not going. I feel terrible though.
This won't be the last time we have to deal with this type of issue. My father-in-law will be up north for several weeks, and will expect to see me at some point. I get the feeling my husband doesn't want me to see any of his family members. I'm not making any more excuses. I'll throw my husband under the bus if my father-in-law asks to see me and my husband says no.

My husband left the house at 9am yesterday and came home at 7pm. He only spent about 2 hours with his father (which I think is unfair). He spent the rest of the time at his mother's house to celebrate Father's Day with his step father (I sent him a text and he didn't respond). I made a pot of chili for dinner. I texted my husband at 6:30pm since I hadn't heard from him, and he said he'd already eaten. I wasn't thrilled about that, but at least the chili will keep well in the fridge.

I have a busy week coming up. Wednesday morning I see my neurologist, and my endoscopy is Friday. I hate having two appointments in a week. Friday will definitely be a washout because I'll be sedated for the procedure and will probably want to sleep most of the day when I get home.

I think I'm going to try to do at least phase 1 of the South Beach Diet. I bought the book on Amazon, and it should be here on Friday. I don't know how strictly I'll adhere to it. Even losing a little weight will make me more comfortable. Using the exercise bike is good, but I'm not going to lose any weight that way.