I, too, am sorry that you are struggling.
bizi

I sleep somewhat.

Sometimes in the daytime I am short/ bitchy / whiny / out of it /praying.


T.V. political news is annoying as all get out and seems repetitious.
I read political stuff on twitter ~~~ sort of relaxes me by distracting
me from myself.


Thursday we have two meetings and a long day so I am packing in case the
a/c is too cold and I need something to read on my kindle.

I downloaded somethings from Amazon but my iPad is not charging so I'll just
hope that it fixes itself.;)

M

OMG is cable new repetitious!!! I find that they don't cover anything that isn't political anymore, so I take it in small doses and read up on the other stories through the news app on my iPhone. It is a good distraction.

I'm sorry that you're going to have a long day today. I know how much you love meetings…

I hope that you got some decent sleep last night :hug::hug::hug:

sounds like a long day.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

The first meeting was usual B.S. and I was 10 mins late.
BUT it counted that I was there and I heard most of Work Buddy's presentation.
He and I talked for 5 mins afterwards -- I pointed out the highlights of his talk/discussion.


I went to IT to straighten out the wifi on my phone and iPad and
then went back to my car to sit by myself for two hours hiding from people

The last meeting was excruciating.
The chairs were uncomfortable and the topic was boring and not relevant.
I sat for 90 mins in the front row trying to look interested.

Then I came home and collapsed into a short nap early in the evening.

M

Emotionally neglected as a child. Still stuck
 

I wonder if my lame tdoc could handle helping me with the feelings I have about growing up.

Dad was gone more than half the time.
Mom was crazy (probably would satisfy several DSM criteria)
and unavailable emotionally.

I parented myself and my siblings.


I wish I could get some professional help at some point.


M

We can state the facts as we see them...how do we get over these facts?
Have you forgiven your parents? Maybe you could write a note but never send it to them.
Just a thought.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

I'm so sorry that you had such a difficult childhood Mari :hug::hug::hug:

If you have a lame tdoc, I don't think she's the one to help you try to come to peace with your feelings. I think you need someone you trust and connect with in order to see any progress, and sometimes you have to kiss a couple of frogs before you get there.

My family is extremely dysfunctional and I had a terrible childhood. Sometimes my memories seemed more like fresh wounds than scars, they were easily triggered and I could become highly emotional.

I had an exceptional therapist for about 7 years. She had a doctorate and utilized multiple types of therapy. She was gentle, easy going, and we had an excellent rapport. Mainly we talked.

Over time, the thoughts about my childhood have become less frequent. They're still there, but they're below the surface and not as easily triggered. Don't get me wrong, I'm still profoundly ****ed up, but this is an area I have made a good deal of progress in.

I never went more than once a month. That was my line in the sand.

Sorry that this is rambling. Trying to explain Tdoc.
 

1. Tdoc likes me and is very nice. Smiles and compliments me. Tells me what a lovely person I
am and how good I probably am at work and so on.


2. But I sense that certain problems she does not like.
Actually she kind of said that one time --- about how I do not have
problems like some other people.


=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
3. She helped a lot re a very particular sleep issue.
After that one talk, I was better. I was not better immediately but
many months later I felt better. It was easy to tell her what I needed,
she listened and probably said something helpful enough, and later I felt o.k.


4. Maybe she can help with sleep now too.
She would not do CBT or anything like that, but she would listen to me
while I explain one aspect of the problem to her and then in a later session discuss another issue.

M

Kay,

I appreciate your explaining the feelings about your childhood and that the
therapist helped you.


It is good to hear that the thoughts are below the surface and less frequent.


M

Mari,

If your tdoc was able to help you with that sleep issue, she could probably help you with other issues. Like anything, you have to deal with the more pressing issues first. Maybe there will be days when you see her when you feel like talking a little about the past, and therapy in that area will develop organically :hug::hug::hug:

I last saw the pdoc perhaps in October 2016
I cancelled an appt when I felt swamped with other appointments and did not get back to her.




TONIGHT I am so anxious. Maybe a little extra Klonopin because I am freaking out
about lots of things, one being my ability to show up for work tomorrow, others having to do with our gov and some crap I saw on FB.

I wonder if I can sort of deactivate my account on FB.

Deactivated facebook
 

I deactivated FB for a week -- that is the longest option I had.


Maybe the week off with help me stay away.


(I got triggered by some upsetting political stuff Work Buddy posted.)
He has in the past shared stuff that is not even true so I spent time
looking it up.)

I am done bothering.

I have to get ready for work.
=-=-=-=

Feeling stressed and overwhelmed.


M

I permanently deactivated/deleted my Facebook account years ago for several reasons. I think I shot myself in the foot because I would be less isolated now, but I just don't think I could deal with it.

I think that getting off of FB for now is a good idea for more than one reason… it could complicate your relationship with your work buddy if what he posts is so upsetting. It would make things hard for me dealing with him outside the cyber world. Deactivating is less damaging than unfriending.

I'm sorry that FB and worries about making it into work triggered you and your anxiety got out of control :hug::hug::hug:

I hope that you were able to calm down after the extra Klonopin and were able to get some sleep last night :hug::hug::hug:

Three or four hours of rough sleep.


M

I'm sorry Mari. I don't know how you manage... lack of sleep makes everything so hard :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

yes deactivating could help in the short run. You could permanently deactivate, a friend of mine did that when her ex best friend started attacking her.
I wish you could get some good sleep.
bizi

I see pdoc Thursday.


She and I are on a once a month visit plan.
Maybe I will ask her to extend the next visit to six weeks.



M

If your mood and symptoms have been consistent and she's not monitoring you for any new meds, why not? You can always make an appointment if anything changes and you need to see her.

I hope she agrees :hug:

Anxious
 

I have been anxious all day --- since shortly after I woke up.

I almost feel as if I forgot to take my meds yesterday or
have a bad batch or something.

=-=-=-=-=-=
I took my night meds somewhere tonight between 9:00 and 10:00p.m. and have
not felt them kick in. Maybe I will feel their benefits soon.



M

I hope by now you are starting to feel their effect.
((((HUGS))))
bizi
Is it ok that I send you hugs? I have never asked you that.

Hugs are wonderful.

Still anxious.

At 12:00 I took 0.5 Klonopin.



M

(((((HUGS))))))
bizi:hug::hug::hug:

1:00 am.

I feel the same. Maybe a little better from the extra Klonopin-- not sure. Maybe worse.

RECAP:
In the morning (Sunday) I awoke feeling
that these areas were anxious: stomach and chest.

-------------------------
Late at night (Sunday night) I noticed that I have a tightness in my back in addition to the weirdness in my stomach and chest.

Hubby and I took my blood pressure with a home BP monitor: 117 over 85. Pulse 93.
=-=-=-
. . . I am feeling as if something is off with the Verapamil (almost as if I skipped a dose.
I have never taken extra Verapamil and I am not going to do that tonight.

Hubby told me to wake him up if I get worse so we can go to the E.R. together.

I am afraid to go to sleep.

M

Tel-a-Doc
 

I called tel-a-doc and gave the woman on the phone
my insurance information and 20 dollars and all the info
she asked for.


A doc is supposed to call me back between 30 mins to an hour.


M

will try to to go to bed in a little while
 

The tel-a-doc called and I told him I was o.k. because I had taken Klonopin.

=-=-=-=

o-o-o-o-o

I am not sure that I am o.k.
I have the same symptoms I had earlier but now I feel flooded with Klonopin (the 0.5 I had taken a few hours ago.).



I should go to bed and pray I get restful enough sleep before the alarm goes off at 9:00.

M

I hope that you are feeling a lot better and were able to get some sleep. I know your last post was pretty late… 4am EST :hug::hug::hug:

Regarding your previous post, sometimes I don't feel the effects of my night meds either, which should make me very sleepy because I take 700mg of Seroquel, and I don't know why. I do exactly what you did and take Klonopin, which used to lay me out flat, but even that is hit or miss now.

I was awake still at 2 am when the cat decided to cry right out side our door and I got up to get the squirt bottle to spray her and take an extra 1mg of klonipin. I eventually got to sleep.
I am hoping that you eventually got some good sleep.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

'Thinking about my siblings. . .


Three of us have
mood issues that we deal with somewhat with varying degrees of success.
One has
dealt with lots of anxiety but does not seem to have the mood stuff.


Maybe they would tell me that they are happy and fine at the moment,
but we have hard lives. . . . .
. . .trying to get by /function/work/act normal /hold a job/stay out of jail/keep up with general health issues. . . .

Two are raising kids somewhat (ha!) successfully.

I am depressed and feeling trapped and frustrated about not being able
to deal with learning how to sleep..

=-=-
During periods when my sleep kind of worked for me, mood stuff was less of an issue.


M

Mood issues can definitely run in families.
My aunt and her son have bipolar.
since you are close to some of your siblings then you can support each other other in your challenges.Getting receiving support is so important.
I value your friendship/support here mari.
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I slept until 4:00 p.m.


I feel rested but that schedule sure messes with my work schedule.




M

I don't know how you function so sleep deprived.....
If you can sleep on the weekends then maybe you have a good monday?
The end of the semester is approaching for jeff. When do you guys get a break?

bizi

My brother and sister also have mood issues/mental health problems. On the surface my sister seems to have her life together, but at closer inspection, she could use a good deal of help, which she has always refused. My brother has always had a very bad temper and dealt with his problems with alcohol and avoidance. It's possible he's been able to deal with his alcohol problem in the couple of years since I've seen him. After all, I have.


I can't imagine how stressful it must be to just struggle every night to try to "perform," never mind have to get through every day running on fumes. I can definitely see how your mood would suffer :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

I get very frustrated with my own health problems. I think that "trapped" would be a good way to put it.

Do you have a spring break?
bizi

seems counterproductive / self sabatoge
 

When I get sleepy, I ignore the sleepy feeling from the meds and push through by finding something
to do -- computer, tv, reading, music, cleaning the kitchen, . . .


========

There were some times in my life that I could force myself to bed.
I am still successful about that some nights. Lately, not so much.





M

I cannot write the words.


I am a mess.

I understand what you are saying....sorry it it so hard for you.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi:hug:

Thank you, Bizi.

==============================
My sis on the phone said she wants to visit the North Carolina brother
with her husband in July.
UGH!

That messes up my potential plans for seeing him.
It will not work to have sister and BIL and me there at the same time --
mostly because sister and her husband do not like me . . .
they think that I am crazy.

Brother is only a little bit available in the summer and he has not given us his
availability dates yet -- he will know at the end of the May when he has
time off from work

I was looking forward to seeing brother.


M

You were making plans first.
It is not fair that you would have to change your plans.
sorry life is not always fair......
bizi

I'm sorry that you were feeling so overwhelmed yesterday Mari. I hope you are feeling a little better today :hug::hug::hug:

**** your sister and BIL. They are missing out on all the wonderful things you have to offer as a person. You are better off not having them in your life and avoiding them…

I'm sorry that that means that you are going to have a hard time making arrangements to see your brother. I hope that the scheduling works out, and you get those dates soon, since you really want to see him :hug::hug::hug: