[OhKay]

Great job showing restraint by not stopping off at the bar after work and pouring those drinks down the sink. You may be drinking, but you're not letting it rule you

[bizi]

Thanks kay.
I am giving up alcohol for lent even though I am not religious nor catholic for that matter.
Hope you are well.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Mari]

Originally Posted by bizi

Thanks kay.
I am giving up alcohol for lent even though I am not religious nor catholic for that matter.
Hope you are well.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Is it that lent starts in about 4 days?


Do you do different things / activities when you are AF?

M

[bizi]

Mari,
It is all about choices for me.
And making substitutions.
Substitute one activity for the next.
This is where I get bogged down.
Tonight It will be a whole foods night, in the bar playing trivia. Before I have not drank when going there but that is not any fun. If AF I will get a lot of food to eat so as to be doing something there. I don't really play because I am horrible at trivia but it is something to do.
Being on a diet is not any fun either but I try still down 13 pounds.
Drinking fattening beers is not on my diet.
When I drink, I am not supposed to drive.
Before when I was AF...I was able to go to the gym in the evening.
I substituted drinking hot tea this past 2 months over the holidays when at christmas parties etc....in Indiana. I felt like I was hypo thou.
In theory I could start a new hobby.
But instead I post on even more forums and spend hours on the internet.
I have neglected certain aspects of my job for 9 months now. No one is to hold me accountable for doing that kind of paper work, so I don't do it.
That would take up a lot of time and is completely not fun, and I don't want to do it so I don't.
It is charting and creating new charts on the new clients that I see.
I am so far behind, it is daunting.
Now I do a little paper work daily then billing twice a month which takes me a few hours.

For lent I think that I will rejoin planet fitness($10.90 a month) and go after dinner in the evenings, when I would normally be on the computer. Would get home to watch jerry seinfeld with jeff at 9:30.

Being AF, I get better sleep. I am able to stay on my diet and not make bad food choices and don't have to worry about a DUI, or ruining my life.

There is shame involved in my drinking, like I am bad, weak, a moral failure, a lesser human being if I drink.
My therapist doesn't know that I started drinking again.
The last interaction we had was she texted me how proud she is of me...
sigh
I will probably lie to her or let her think that I am AF when I have not been.
I don't want to let her down. It felt good to hear her say she was proud of me....
sigh
My house always needs cleaning...I could do that but I am lazy.
It is more fun to be on the computer...than anything else.
I need to find joy in other activities. I have said for years now that I need to get a life.
Yesterday I had a cancellation so I thought I would stop and have a couple of beers and be ok to drive home.
I could not think of something that I could do or wanted to do to fill up that free time. So I thought about it while driving...and came up with " I have been needing new glasses for years" So I stopped at the store and got my eyes examined and picked out new frames. I am getting 2 pairs. Getting regular/expensive ones for everyday and cheap ones for the computer.
I did not get home until 6;30 so we ate late.
But it gave me something else to do besides drinking so that was good.
I spent $515 dollars on 2 pairs (including the eye exam)so that was not too too bad. I would have spent hundreds more if I had gone to lens crafters.
Sorry for the long post.
Thank you for reading.
Taking each day as it comes.
AF last night=a win.
sigh
must it always be a win/ lose situation....
bizi

[OhKay]

You showed a lot of insight in that post, Bizi. I hope that getting all of that out helped you a little

There is a lot of shame associated with drinking (for people with drinking problems). I know I still carry it with me. Indulging in those thoughts is not helpful. But it seems like you recognize the pitfalls of drinking and benefits of being AF, and I think more than anything those kind of thoughts will help you. And I think it's great that you've been thinking about alternate activities

On the lighter side, congratulations on losing those 13 pounds!!!

[bizi]

I got home early and was able to have jeff drive to whole foods.
I had tried to get together with a friend but she did not text me back until it was too late to do anything. I would have drank hot tea with her, perhaps we would have gone out to eat or to a movie.
There were 2 tables of friends (and some people I did not know) at whole foods it was great fun, had 3 beers over 3 hours. Ate a lot of healthy food and had cho pudding for desert. I have social anxiety when it comes to talking to people in public. The beer helps with that. and it gives me an excuse to drink.
Earlier I had called a friend to discuss a surprise birthday party for our friends 70th birthday. She was at a bar drinking a beer and asked me to come join her, I asked her if she wanted to come to whole foods and she declined. The party is at 8am.
After trivia we went to target to pick out a birth day card and went home where I proceeded to make pop corn. WE ate 2-3 bags, can't remember actually while we watched seinfeld together. I also ate a carmel turtle that jeff picked up.
I am stuffed and tired.
I hope I sleep well tonight.
I don't like having to get up at 7am on a saturday. I am working in the afternoon. It is mardi gras season, many parades to go to and parties to attend. Monday night is the queens parade where our friends make king cakes. I will have decaff coffee there as they always serve that.
they make 3 different king cakes and every one samples each one. It is hard not to endulge but in all seriousness Their king cakes are too bready.
Again there will be people I don't know but I will have a cup of coffee in my hand to be a buffer so to speak.Mardi gras is fat tuesday, the last day of living it up before ash wednesday and the beginning of lent.
It happens to fall on valentines day this year.

Being on the computer takes up a lot of my time. I post on the addictions forum as well as here, and neurotalks bipolar forum as well.
And a nutrition site(spark people) that wants to decrease their drinking in order to lose weight.
I can easily get all hypo going from one forum to the other to face book then emails back to favorites forums etc.
I am online several times a day for at least an hour each time.
We are in the planning stages of fixing up our house. updating the kitchen and bathrooms, foundation repaired, new brick mail box, new front door, electrical wiring, landscaping, maybe sodding the back yard as the grass has all died. work on the drainage in the back yard. Lots of projects, getting ready to close on a new line of credit on the houses equity.
I already see my self getting all worked up over this.
WE cant really do any repairs to sheet rock or cracks and two doors can't shut....we have to have the foundation fixed first which is no fun at all and very expensive. We can at least get a mason to do the mail box so that will be nice. That will happen in the next few weeks.
I think we should sit down, make a list and prioritize which projects to do first. I want to hire a contractor to organize these projects as it is too much for me to deal with. I get hypo thinking about it.
I need to slow down and not rush things. Each project will disrupt our lives.
A new kitchen will require a plumber, an electrician, cabinet maker/installer, painter maybe, granite installers, etc.

I did not drink and drive. 3 drinks in 3 hours is not horrible.
I am not a bad person. I did over eat tonight.
Some how I will tell my therapist that I have been drinking.....
I am actually looking forward to lent.
I am looking forward to taking better care of myself joining a gym again.
bizi

[Mari]

Bizi,

I am going to respond to more of this later -- on way to bed now.

'I wish you did not feel shame.

Treat yourself as well as you would others ---no moral failure involved.
Be kind to yourself.
Maybe try not to associate drinking with bad or good. It just "is."


Re glasses: I recently bought a pair with purple frames. I love them but they are heavier
than the old light weight wire frames -- after a few hours I feel the weight.
Maybe I am just not used to them.

Hope you like yours.

M

[OhKay]

Bizi, you are not a bad person... you are a wonderful, beautiful person with a lot to offer, and I love you (((HUGS)))

I'm sorry you have to get up so early this morning, even if it is for a good cause (a birthday party). You are going to have a long day

There is danger of becoming hypo with all the projects coming up to fix the house. I think that your idea of hiring a contractor may help with that a bit tho

Have a good day today, Bizi. And treat yourself to some oatmeal if you are not too full from the party

[mymorgy]

you have to look in the mirror a few times a day and say you are not a bad person. I carried a lot of shame from my father's drinking. it is hard to fight.
your home is going to be beautiful. just like a metaphor.

[bizi]

I gave myself a hug and looked in the mirror ans said
'"I am a nice person"
The surprise birthday party was nice. Nicko was very surprised!!!!!
We had gotten him a card and paid for his lunch, there were about 25 people there. Jeff and I split a breakfast.
It is a gloomy day.
I see three people this afternoon for work. Jeff is busy doing errands, changing light bulbs, other things not sure. I am sitting here making hot tea, relaxing before work. He said he would prepare dinner tonight.
Not sure if there is a parade tonight or not, 100% chance of rain.
Don't feel like getting wet.

I used to get great pleasure out of working in my yard. the whole yard screams for attention. I just don't have the energy/desire to tackle it.
It is over whelming.
I think the yard will get damaged when they bring in the big equipment to fix the foundation. Then would be a good time to redo the flower beds. We have been talking about this for years. WE will compile a list of things to do to fix up the place. We aren't planning on selling just fixing things that we have neglected or want to do but never got around to doing them.
bizi
Must get my tea.
I have some paper work that I could do....
sigh
bizi