Oh I forgot to tell you who I went to see... The band is called "Interpol" They play "indie rock".

Somehow I managed to silence my brain and its intrusive thoughts which always led me to depression and anxiety.... I just eat, turn the TV on and... cried A LOT but, felt better since Friday.... Im still triggered easily but oh well....

Im on a break from my therapist.... Im suppose to practice what she taught me.... and, I have to tell Im better managing my crisis now but, still.... some days are impossible...
EXAMPLE: today my father moved and touched all my mom stuff when trying to "clean" the house... he cant do anything correctly... he is useless.... why does he keep trying to do something for the house ?
I know you may think Im a cruel person, and I mean, maybe I am, but I HATE to live with him... I have him, at MY house just because of.... shame ? compassion !? He did terrible things to my mom when I was 3 my grandma had recently died.... such an a**h*le.... I cant forgive him... I think even my mom forgave him, I CANT. I promise I CANT. I find annoying every thing he does... I know he is my father but... well, he had more children with another woman and I keep thinking "Go live with them and leave me alone !!" you know.... Trust me, I wish I could forgive... I want to .... I CANT.

Also, I have been so down thinking Im becoming old.... I dont think I will be able to have children and a family you know...

Argh, my life is still s*ck^ng these days.... Im tired.... depressed.... MAD.

*sigh*

I also suffer from intrusive thoughts, Blue. I'm sorry you have to deal with them, too. I try to realize they are not "real" thoughts, then I try not to fight them, and just let them pass (((HUGS)))

It's okay not to have a therapist, but it's also okay to go back when you feel like you need to. I don't know that I'll ever go back. My last one was super-sweet, but so clueless it was frustrating, and every appointment left me agitated.
You never answered our questions about the meds tho. Are you taking any right now?

It's hard to forgive. You don't owe anybody anything.
It's very charitable of you to let your father live with you, but is there any way to get rid of him? It seems like him being there is making you f'ing miserable (((HUGS)))

As far as being old... I'm 38, and if I remember correctly, you are a few years younger than me. You're not a spinster yet

Blue I have intrusive thoughts also sometimes. They are hard to deal with. Try to live one day at a time. When the light of the day comes tomorrow morning, then the day will start to unfold, and make tiny steps into it. BF

That was beautiful BF

How are you today blue?
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Blue
I'm reading, but can't post much right now. I've got a broken elbow.
I'll post when I can. Thinking of you.

donna

Blue Are you doing okay? We are all thinking about you. I hope that you have a better week. BF

Kay
I have been so down I couldnt even turn on the computer....
I take prozac.... and xanax during ultra hard episodes....
I just took my prozac and Im feeling soooo sleepy... meds act very weird on me... always have, always will.... that's why I cant take more stuff on a daily basis.... everythig would give me stomach problems and, hallucinations

I feel so lonely.... I will never be happy again without mom....

Oh dear Donna !!!
Ouch ! hope you are healing quickly ?

Annnnnnnnnnnd Im so down.... Im so done with my job, with my family, with my life....

Do you know how I feel ? I feel like Im a "joker", a "wildcard".... like, my co workers, my family members, my "friends" may enjoy my company, some of my comments, BUT, if Im not present, that is ok too, probably even better.... and that hurts me deeply...

I see all those guys, smiling to girls.... I have never been in love.... no one ever has picked me to be "the special" one you know....

I see old those ladies, around 55 years old, walking with their moms and children.... Im 36 and my mom is already dead.

I see all those kids in the streets.... I will probably never have kids as I cant even find a partner !!!



Im disgusting.... condemned to be lonely and ignored for the rest of my life.

Im suicidal. DO NOT WORRY. I would never do it because.... what is I have to live all this again as punishment ? Im not gonna do anything but yeah.... Im so done.

I think about you often and your simple existence makes me wanna cry of nostalgia.

Majo