Blue
I'm reading, but can't post much right now. I've got a broken elbow.
I'll post when I can. Thinking of you.

donna

Blue Are you doing okay? We are all thinking about you. I hope that you have a better week. BF

Oh dear Donna !!!
Ouch ! hope you are healing quickly ?

Annnnnnnnnnnd Im so down.... Im so done with my job, with my family, with my life....

Do you know how I feel ? I feel like Im a "joker", a "wildcard".... like, my co workers, my family members, my "friends" may enjoy my company, some of my comments, BUT, if Im not present, that is ok too, probably even better.... and that hurts me deeply...

I see all those guys, smiling to girls.... I have never been in love.... no one ever has picked me to be "the special" one you know....

I see old those ladies, around 55 years old, walking with their moms and children.... Im 36 and my mom is already dead.

I see all those kids in the streets.... I will probably never have kids as I cant even find a partner !!!



Im disgusting.... condemned to be lonely and ignored for the rest of my life.

Im suicidal. DO NOT WORRY. I would never do it because.... what is I have to live all this again as punishment ? Im not gonna do anything but yeah.... Im so done.

I think about you often and your simple existence makes me wanna cry of nostalgia.

Majo

hi blue,
am so sorry you are so down.....You are grieving the loss of your mom. That is what this is all about.
grief is weird....it will hit you in waves.
I am sorry for the pain that you are experiencing.
I can't tell you when it will get better, but I hope for your sake it is gentle on you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I'm so sorry, Blue. If I could do anything to help you, I would.


I'm hoping you feel better at some point.

Thank you Bizi, thank you Mari... I mean, thank you everyone... deeply.

I have been having severe episodes of fury... like, I broke the refrigerator with my hand the other day 🙄 and the washer and yeah... I have strong bones I can tell... have you ever experienced anything like that ? HUGE crisis of anger !? And, if so, has anything (meds or non meds) helped you ?

Majo

I really think you need to see a pysch doctor and tell them about your anger explosions. There may be some meds to help you.
Also, do you have a therapist?
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

I am so sorry you are suffering so much. I think being bipolar exacerbates it and makes one have such negative thoughts. I just lost my best friend from cancer a few months ago. she fought it for 3 1/2 years. I am so obsessed with death now and haven't been able to deal with her loss. I know I should try to focus on the good memories. and think her mission on earth was accomplised and she is no longer suffering.Have you tried praying? I don't know what else helps besides time. I blame bipolar on having poor judgment in choice of men too. Try to look for somebody who is kind to you and who appreciates all that you have to offer. I never thought that when I was younger. I was attracted to excitement which I also blame on bipolar. I know this sounds awful but instead of focusing on what you don't have think of all the people who have far less than you have.. I think that is awful but I think it helps. I just started trying that when somebody suggested it. May God forgive me.
You are so special and loved. May your suffering ease.
fondly
bobby

Thank you so much for this Bobby, you cant imagine how much I appreciate your time, your words. I feel pretty lonely. I had the urge to tell everybody about my "loss" since he told he was living with his girlfriend and, well, every single person left me in "read" but never replied, or say anything.... oh well

I blame my mental health for many things and pain in my life too now that I think about it.... Right now for example, I am obsessed imagining him with her, kissing, cuddling, etc, hurting myself so much and I cant stop. Obsession is bad. I have to admit I have problems with praying.... maybe because I do not understand it... I feel like I have prayed a lot all my life to no avail....

Thank you so so much for thinking of me as special You are too kind,

Much love,
Majo