Sending you some hugs. I don't have any answers.

I will be thinking of you while your at the appointment.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Great suggestions Mari (( hugs )) Thank you !!

I presented my new psych doc this morning with my laundry list of complaints with him. He changed his tune quickly when he saw it. I made him sit and read it. He then did spend the time brainstorming over every single behavioral health med I have taken in the past and compared that with the GenoMind report I got back two sessions ago.

We have agreed to start me on Lamictal (again), picking it up tomorrow. He's starting me out at a half of a 25 mg tablet. Going to start Lamictal (or the generic of this drug) tomorrow evening.

All of the new medications on the market now are in Tier IV and Tier V and there are no generics for a long time with these meds, so I am stuck with the older generation. I am looking into patient assistance but since I have Medicare, none of them will help me with the newer meds on the market now. I need to look thru the link another member sent me on the list of pharmas that do work with Medicare patients on certain medications, but those are older generations. I am getting patient assistance on my migraine medication called AIMOVIG but that is time limiting - one year only.

Blue

All the teaching hospitals/small psych hospitals and other hospitals have dropped my medicare advantage plan. To go out of network would cause me a co-pay of $800.00.

And yes, he's the one who prescribed the "clean medicine" called Rexulti that caused severe confusion. I had the rage attacks on Seroquel in Walgreens.

Blue,


:highfive:

Good update! :D

Great job bringing your work to him.

And I am happy for you that he listened.:)

I hope that Lamictal helps you.


M

WOW !!! OhKay you are remarkable in your attention to detail and the medication suggestions. What a wealth of knowledge you have at your fingertips.

I'll reply and try to keep it short. I did meet with my new psych doc and gave him my long list of complaints. He then went over every single med I have tried and the side effects, strengths, etc and compared everything with the new GenOMind Gene Study. He wants to start me back on the generic of Lamictal because it's a "cleaner" drug (here we go again. Then he is looking into the Ketamine nasal spray for me as well. He definitely had his thinking cap on today, but I think that was because I gave him my long list of laundry complaints that I was not getting good service.

I am going to contact my primary to request the Vitamin D - 50,000 mcg with regular blood tests from her. He wants to see my numbers up to 50, which is a smidge outside of the range. I had to ask for this, so will have to keep a running list of needs with him.

Next week he will write in a prescription for Clonazepam. He will not write more than .5 mg 2X a day. I asked why and he said that Clonazepam at higher doses causes Depression. I countered that I need the extra for emergencies, which he agreed, so next week when I see him again, will argue this fact with him, to please write me a script for more.

I am done with my neighbor. I have kicked her off Facebook, blocked her phone calls and texts and emails. When I run into her in the hallway, will just walk away and not acknowledge her. I worked very hard with this friendship, there was nothing I would not do for her and now this, after 2 years. Then I found out last week, to add angst to everything another close friend who lives here and whom we shared mental health information about, blast texted many of the residents that live here about all we talk about, so now the whole community knows about my mental health. I confronted her about this, more so that I now know what she has done. No wonder no one wants anything to do with me or stares too long at me. I wish I could move, but I have to wait 2 years until after discharge of my bankruptcy to do that. So, I have been betrayed by two very close friends and I don't believe I did anything to warrant that kind of behavior.

I only have my 12 month old kitty. He will never recover. When it gets too expensive or too much for my mental health, I will speak at length to my vet. Oh and BTW, my friend who refused to take me to bk hearing yesterday is the one who would take me to my vets and insist that she accompany me while the exam was conducted by my vet on my kitty. She sat in for a year in all exams and was very determined to sit in each one. I never understood why, other than thinking she was being a good friend because she insisted on taking me to her vet. Now I have to think she may have had more sinister reasons (sorry to sound paranoid).

Thank you for the tip to keep checking my list of providers, will do that randomly throughout the week going forward. I do need to start seeing a therapist.

Thank you for the "atta-boy" and pat on the back for getting thru the bankruptcy hearing all by myself. As I sat downstairs waiting for my paratransit only did, did I realize the levity of what I accomplished all by myself. If I had gone with my neighbor and actually made it there, it may have been fun, but I would never have been able to feel this level of accomplishment. I tried to treat myself to a UBER ride home but UBER had no available drivers for the time I needed. Tomorrow taking an UBER to Walgreens to pick up my medication "all by myself".

OhKay, I am deeply sorry to hear of your condition. Are you on Dialysis now? Are you off Lithium? Being in a manic state makes it very difficult to access our executive processes and advocate for ourselves, but you tried. What is your prognosis?

Hopefully, the Lamictal will help with seizure control/migraine and mood. Will start tomorrow. Any suggestions with Lamictal?

((( hugs back at ya )))

Blue

Thank you Mari ~ I think my long laundry list caught his attention, lol. He was more engaging with me and could keep up with my thought process. Will keep you posted about the Lamictal. Starting it tomorrow night.

Have a nice day :)

Blue

Thank you Donna ~ Just thinking of what I am going thru is very helpful and responses are keeping me afloat right now.

Thank you all the hugs, and right back at you too !! Sorry, not sure how to add the hugs like you do.

Blue

No problem on adding the hugs. Its something my computer does.

Blue the only thing I want to add about the lamictal.

Is to make sure you watch for the side effects of the rash.
But if you didn't have trouble before you shouldn't this time.

Derrick has lots of luck with this. I could even tell that his
mood raised with the raise in his dosage.

Donna :grouphug::hug:

Thank you Donna.

I was warned about the rash.

Good news for your son !!! How long has he been on Lamictal?

It affected my vision last time I tried Lamictal.

Blue

Oh gosh, this time I believe about 1 year. The last time.
Not sure.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

You are brave to retry a med that effected your vision the first time around. Both lithium and Depakote caused vision problems for me, amongst others, obviously. I would not be as brave as you.

I’m on 200mg 2xday of Lamictal. It did not do enough on its own, which is why they’ve piled on 3 other mood stabilizers over the years. I take 800mg of Seroquel alone. But I am Type I.

My kidney disease is not severe. I am not on dialysis, and in no pain from the condition, as I don’t pass stones. I have no idea what my prognosis is, but I’ve been pretty stable since dx (2yrs ago?), so I’m hopeful.

OhKay ~ Relieved to hear that your prognosis is not dire due to Lithium and you are not on dialysis and not in pain and no kidney stones !!!

I started on 12.5 mg of Lamictal yesterday. My psych doc mentioned to start on such a tiny dose, so he is working with me, finally, as I over-react to most meds. I see him in 5 days. I slept for 13 hours last night, whereas I was only getting between 3 to 5 hours a day of sleep for such a long time. With the AI's the most effective drug that calmed my mind was Risperdol, then Zyprexa, but Risperdol caused rigid muscles and difficulty breathing. Zyprexa I was on when I was spending too much, but that also calmed my mind. My psych doc said most of his BP patients are on 800mg of Seroquel. I wish I could tolerate medication, like you.

I am desperate right now for something to help me with mood. I spend soo much energy trying to modulate mood and I find I isolate just so I don't embarrass myself. So, will retry anything at this point. But if vision is affected again, will have to reconsider other options.

Yesterday, after being invited to play Bingo, I embarrassed myself. One member who won a round of Bingo cleared her board immediately after calling Bingo, so the moderator could not check her board to authenticate. Immediately after that I said the same thing, but I was loud and sarcastic (however, only kidding, but lost my mark in humor as I got scowls from the other members). Now, in defense of me, this lady is suspected of cheating with Bingo (imagine that) and I sat thru 5 games of Bingo and she won each one and it irritated me and I wanted to get up and leave, but right after my outburst, I left.

Then later on, a neighbor who's cat I have been taking care of collapsed. After she came home from the ER, (very dehydrated) I went with another neighbor to her apartment and found her in very bad shape. My neighbor that I went with, would not call 911 but insisted on making her get up, get dressed and walk the long way out to the car to drive her to the ER. I thought by advocating that she could fall or worse and that the medics could give her fluids immediately would be better, but she refused to push for 911. Then I turned around and found her cat's food bowls completely empty and I almost shouted the findings. Today, I apologized for being too aggressive with her immediate care and I was told that someone needed to step in and be aggressive. The sick neighbors bp was 210/110, she was sweating and hot and not aware. I had to leave the sick neighbor in my other neighbors care hoping for the best. Today, she is somewhat better but still dehydrated. I am concerned due to her age (84), so I felt justified in calling 911, but with my poor impulse control, I felt it best to step away.

So, those were instances of two loss of impulse control's that happened to me yesterday and it seems all I do is apologize to my neighbors for my behavior. I have to say, that I had a terrifying experience on the way to my bk hearing and also the day after the bk, I was still feeling overwhelmed which could have played into my lack of impulse control. Today was asked if I wanted to go to a drug store, but I think I will hide away today to give myself a day to recover.

Question for you, do you find the medication you are on is helping manage your symptoms now? How long have you been on these medications?

Thank you for responding to my posts OhKay.

Blue

Today, my neighbor is keeping me away from the sick neighbor :( I feel offended, but worried they may have seen a part of my personality that they feel I need to be kept away. I know I am overthinking.

Blue

I will stay away and if they need me, they can come to me. Sigh.

Blue

I now feel demoralized, I'm ruminating.

This neighbor asked me again to accompany her to the drug store to pick up more medication for the sick neighbor, and yet she won't let me near the sick neighbor. I declined the invitation. This is confusing to my BP mind.

She told me initially she was going to check on the sick neighbor at 10AM and I sat in the hallway waiting for my neighbor to go with her and she came out from the sick neighbors room and reported to me. I asked for my medical supplies back. She said she was going down again to the sick neighbors apt at 1:00. I waited in the hallway and out pops the neighbor from the sick neighbors room without my medical supplies and does a report on her and felt it was not necessary for me to go in to check on her. I asked for my medical supplies again and she stared at me looking confused.

She said she is going to visit the sick neighbor at 3:00 today. I have closed my door and will not respond to her anymore. They are on their own. I feel soo offended at this point. I don't understand why she tells me when she goes to check and yet won't let me in to see the sick neighbor. The sick neighbor is the one who's cat I took care of for two weeks, along with this neighbor that is baring me from going in. I took care of both of their cats for two weeks, without pay or a thank you.

Trying not to feel demoralized today, but I honestly do. Every time I reach out and help, I get kicked in the teeth and I don't get it.

It's soo hard to make new friends at age 68. I feel lonely and sad today.

Blue

they really sound toxic! I would stay away. I don't think you are being paranoid.
bobby

It's not you. It's them.:hug::hug:


M

Thank you Bobby *smiles*. I intend to do just that, stay away. I was hoping I could find a new circular of friends to hand out with but that is not to be.

She was supposed to visit the sick neighbor and come back to me at 3:00pm and it's now 3:30pm, so I guess I am completely cut out of their circle of sorority sisters.

Went to Amazon to order the missing medical supplies I took down to the sick person's apartment. Not waiting to get anything back.

I have always felt they were never really interested in me because they never would listen to anything I would add to any conversation, always interrupted me and changed the subject or talked over me.

Sigh

Blue (always feeling blue and sad).

They are weird and not nice.


I'm sorry for how they are acting.



M

Thank you Mari ~ I feel soo hurt. It's hard to rationalize what's going on when I feel emotional. I guess only time will tell. Thank you soo much for the hugs !! Hugs back !!

Blue

I am 75 and spend most of the time with my two kitty cats. I never married and really have no family. Do you enjoy reading? I find it so relaxing and I only read books with happy endings. Have you tried any historical regency romances or authors like Susan Phillips.I also listen to a lot of music. Right now I am on a Josh Groban kick. Do you have any old friends that you lost contact with? Maybe you could reestablish contact with them? Can you get another kitty cat? I wish your kitty cat could get better but it sounds as if she is suffering and that is so depressing.
I get little sleep and sleeping pills didn't work on me. I try hard to control myself because I get irritable a lot and don't want to drive what few friends I have away. I am bipolar II. There are still a lot of nice people around besides all the cruel ones. Is there some agency who has volunteers that visit? They have them in NYC. I haven't taken advantage of it.
take care
bobby
oops I think you should feel sorry for those miserable people and not take it out on yourself. They aren't worth it!
I also rely a lot on God and believe that everything that happens is
God's will so it is for the good even if I don't understand it.

have you thought of doing volunteer work so you won't be isolated? A lot of people are bipolar but just don't know it.

Thank you for the suggestion :) Before my bankruptcy I had no money for transportation, but now am considering options to get myself away from this sorority I live at.

Definitely need new interests.

And lesson learned, the next time a neighbor calls upon me for help with anything at all, I won't be available.

Blue

I see that we are both close in age, thank you for sharing this and your wisdom with me as well. This is all very helpful, seeking a higher power, I keep forgetting about this aspect of life.

Yes, having kitty's can be soo helpful, they are full of unconditional love which I find missing in humans. All but my kitty who has this neurological syndrome and he barely will let me touch him. I will have to make decisions about him soon, which is very sad to think about. His condition keeps me very sad and depressed most days. The neighbors here think I am terrible for thinking about euthanasia, same with my vet who keeps encouraging me to spend more money.

I am unable to read much due to Nystagmous of my eyes (they won't stay long on a single written line before they jerk to the Meniere's ear. I do listen to book tapes and belong to a book club that meets once a month, which is fun.

Have recently been listening to a music channel on my Kindle Fire and I play mouse games with my cat and he loves watching the mice race across the pages, lol.

I understand about sleep. My energy always goes way up in the evenings and I become hyperventilate due to childhood trauma. So, sleep usually evades me and I defeat all sleep medicines too. I have been awoken alot lately to what looks like a flashlight shinning in my bedroom window. I live on the ground floor, but have blackout curtains. I just have not figured out if this is a constant dream or really happening. Living in this gated community prevents anyone from walking by my window, so it would have to come from a window across from me.

You are fortunate in that you understand your limitations with BiPolar. Being new to the game I am learning that I need to find an etiquette class on how to be BiPolar socially. Of course there is really no etiquette class, just the school of hard knocks. Unfortunately I cannot un-ring the bell once I have chased people out of my life. It happens suddenly which makes it even more apparent and hurtful.

I know these neighbors aren't worth one second of my time. However, it's the residue of hurt feelings that I am trying to manage now. I no longer will do anything social with them again, just managing hurt feelings right now in this moment is tough. I hurt all over. I'm done with the sororities here, finished.

I'll be polite but not engage anyone in conversation ever again here. I have to figure out a way to protect myself.

Blue

Heard back from my paratransit yesterday about the driver that abandoned the bus and left me beside a busy highway. I was on the way to my bankruptcy hearing and had to be present minded during that hearing on top of everything else (first time leaving home due to agoraphobia, anxiety and panic disorder).

The conversation was recorded.

The interviewer said that everything I said about what happened was verified as true and correct by the interior and exterior recording of this bus. And the location was also verified, which was right on an overpass over a large body of water. If anyone hit the bus, it would have sent me and the bus right over into the water as the concrete barrier was lower than the wheels of the bus.

I did tell them that as I sat there on the side of the highway watching all the speeding trucks passing by rocking the bus, that there were no escape hatches that I could see in the bus. The interviewer said she would have someone call me to go over emergency exits.

She said no need for the pictures I took since they had all the video recordings they needed.

She also said they are treating this seriously and I would have further contact with higher-ups, that this would not go un-noticed and corrective actions would be levied against the driver.

I have had such a difficult time turning over control of my life to drivers that I do not know, especially now, since I had to give up driving. Now, I have more reason to fear. I sat there and believed I was going to die last Wednesday and someone actually did, just 10 miles south of me running into the back of a truck on the side of the same highway I was on at the same time I was pulled over.

Shivers,

Blue

if your vet cannot help your kitty cat just know that cat lovers can't stand to see them suffer. I don't think it is fair to the kitty cat. I had two littermate schnauzers Hammy and Morgy.. I promised them if they were suffering I would have the vet put them to sleep. I took Morgy in because I thought he was suffering. He had bone cancer. The vet examined him and said no and at of the
end of the visit Morgy raced up the stairs to get of there. He died naturally two and half years later at 13. Hammy had renal failure and as soon as the vet said he couldn't help him I had Hammy put to sleep immediately. I had snowball, a kitty cat who had two prolapsed colons. I thought he was going to die because he wouldn't eat.He was so young and didn't even weight three pounds. My friend Joyce kept on yelling at me when I was crying hysterically to force feed him and give him nutrical. There were many tears but Snowball made it. He had such a deep soul.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is hard enough being bipolar.
fondly
bobby
I hope I haven't overstepped my boundaries

Oh no, Bobby, what in the world would make you think you overstepped your boundaries? Did I say something that prompted this? Please know that I value your responses to me !! Let's clear this up right away, so no misunderstandings ((( hugs )))

You helped me with your comments about your pets by empathizing with what I am going thru and sharing your experience. Thank you for that !!!

I have kept my kitty alive with grit over the past 9 months. When others would have walked away, I stayed with him and a large part of my bankruptcy is vet fees. If I had to do it all over again, I would. I am not giving up on him just yet. Although it's not an ideal situation with him, I do love him, even though it's been difficult to bond with him.

Without our furkids, life would be much harder for us. I lived without a kitty for 5 years determined not to go thru another heartache, but here I am right back in it again. So, I guess it's my calling. I did work for a vet years ago as his assistance so I learned alot which is helping me now with my kitty.

So, please do not think for one minute you overstepped any boundaries, you are just fine.

Blue ((( Hugs )))

a sigh of relief. I wish you could make a deal with your vet. II am so sorry.
bobby

Me too, Bobby, but I live in a high ticket part of the country and there are no breaks on their fees, one reason why the high kill shelters here are always full.

Blue

How awful!

Got an interesting text back from the sick neighbor. I sent her a text this morning wishing her well. What this sick neighbor texted me back surprised me. She said that that neighbor who is keeping me away, told her I was sick in bed with a migraine today and therefore could not visit with her. That is a bold faced lie and I caught her. Now, why in the world would she do this?

Not that I need to see them again, it was nice to have my suspicions verified. Now I know the truth about this neighbor who is keeping me away. I don't know what her motives are, nor do I care, I just care that I now know.

So, not having anything to loose at this juncture, I sent the sick neighbor a text back telling her I feel very good, have not had a migraine in weeks and was unable to visit with her today because I was told to stay away from her by this neighbor. I wished her a speedy recovery and said that this neighbor is in charge of her now.

Blue

Just got a very angry knocking on my front door. It was that neighbor who is keeping me away from the sick neighbor. I refused to answer the front door and I continue to wash my dishes, which anyone can hear thru that door. Clearly, I was ignoring her.

If she wants to leave me a message on my cell, that's fine or even text me, fine too, but I will not get into a verbal confrontation with her at my front door, nor do I need to see any angry faces at me. She no longer matters to me anymore. She got caught in a lie and probably the sick neighbor talked to her about this. It was important to me that I let the sick neighbor know why I was not there today helping her going forward.

Now, this neighbor lives above me and is walking hard over me. Clearly she's unhappy with me. But that's her problem. She lied and got caught in it.

Blue

that was great. you are free!

You know, every time I stand up for myself, I get slapped down. These women travel in groups, tight groups and they resent any outside involvement or interference. I was very reluctant to take care of their cats for those two weeks, I was afraid it would lead to something like this.

First that was L who I got close to for the last two years. Her closest friend informed me last month that L. group broadcasted all my mental health issues all over the community I live in. Why? Who knows. But when I tried to talk to her about this, she chose not to confront her friend who informed on her and cut her ties with me instead (sort of like shooting the messenger). She said she is doing this to keep peace in her little threesome.

Then there came the tenant (MN.) who started drinking again and told me on the eve of my bankruptcy that she would not be driving me to my hearing and texted me saying "she could not be part of my bankruptcy experience". Have not heard from her since.

Then along comes (ML) who lied about me and is keeping me away from the sick neighbor. Why? Who knows.

But these groups of women are all bullies and mean and try to make peoples lives intolerable. So, now, all these women I worked so hard at being a good friend dried up and now I am left with no one on this earth.

When I moved here, to where I am living now, all of my long time friends passed away leaving me to start over with building friendships, which I have been doing last two years. And look where it took me too, being slapped down and bullied.

Then the bankruptcy experience. My bankruptcy lawyer that I have been paying $500.00 a month since January, kept missing all my sensitive documents. The paralegals who were assigned to my case all quit and along with that went all my documents, never to be seen again. At the bankruptcy hearing, he screwed up my bankstatements and included someone elses statements he presented to the judge. I was soo incensed, I could not say anything. I sent him duplicates of my bank statments six times. After the hearing, he grouped together his clients and as I observed him, I could see he is a sick man... probably has Parkinson's which would explain things.

Then the trip to the bankruptcy hearing, the driver abandoned the bus and left me along on the side of the interstate subject to possible death.

And then my sick cat........................

Hoping the Lamicatl works and fast.

Blue



This just makes life soo hard lately, soo very hard.

hugs
bobby

Hugs back !!!

Blue

Wow. It's like they they chose to be in the mean girls clique.


Be kind to yourself.
Do fine ways ways to self-sooth.:hug::hug:



M

Thank you Mari *smiles*.

I am working thru the trauma over the past month slowly. Picked up my knitting needles and thinking I will start to do that again. I have a scarf I have been working on for years and never completed. It helps get me into the *zone*. My cat has never seen anyone knit before, he was very enthralled, lol. Need to get back to my fiber arts and other art work as that is how I express emotion and it has helped me in the past work thru trauma. I have a book on expressing trauma thru art, will get that out and start to work thru it. I have noticed that I am dissociating alot today, so taking it very slow and easy. Doing things with intent and staying in the present moment when I do things today.

Today, the sick neighbor reached out to me via text and asked me to come to her apartment for a blood pressure check (I have a bp cuff) which I was using on her. She said she still is not well and is concerned about her health and needs my help. I simply told her that I am away from home visiting a friend. Thinking that would stop her, no, she asked if when I come home could I come to her apartment as she needs help. I did not reply nor do I intend to. She and M can work out the sick neighbors health issues themselves. M has her daughter within one mile of here and lots of other family and friends other than M and myself, so it's time she reach out to them to help her.

I am no longer running towards others who need help anymore. I need to run towards myself to help me, since no one is rallying around me to help me now. I feel like a wagon abandoned in the middle of a dessert.

Blue

Blue

Good for you. IF she keeps talking to you. Just tell her that
you can't deal with sickness of any kind. That you were looking
for friendship and no one wants that right now.

I have few friends, but that is my fault right now.

I'll do better when the weather gets cooler, I hate heat.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

Thank you Donna *smiles*.

I will let my sick neighbor know that I will not get between her and M (who is keeping me away) and will opt not to come back to check in on her as I don't want any further confrontations. The sick neighbor needs to know what's going on. I have no further vested interest in keeping this group as friends, so will just keep the sick neighbor informed and why, nothing to loose.

Me too, it's way too humid and hot here.

Take care,

Blue