Hi Donna ~ I decided to take a paratransit to my bankruptcy and then dive into an UBER for the ride home. I downloaded some relation tapes to listen to on the way there. It will take me 2 hours to drive 50 miles due to picking up many others and dropping them off. It's a very tiring ride and the ride is usually filled with very disorderly people who shout and yell and carry on. It all depends upon how I feel in the morning of the bankruptcy. I may just take an UBER both ways.

I have tried every drug in the SSRI's, SNRI's, Antipsychotics, Antidepressants, Antiseizure meds. I'm 68, so have been trying since my 20's. The only drugs that I could cope with was Depakote (which damaged my liver and caused chronic hyperammonia) and Zonegram (which causes way too many kidney stones), hence why I can't take Topomax. No one will put me on Welbutrin, that is the only drug I have continually asked for.

I have taken Lithium but due to the unequal fluid in my inner ear (Menieres), the salt in Lithium contributed to extreme dizziness. That is when my ENT got me trying to drink half my body weight in fluid ounces (water only) which I continue today, but all that water did not help the constant dizziness. There is a medical term to what drinking all that water will cause, but it tricks my kidneys in releasing sodium.

Does your son have to have regular blood tests, I know that with Lithium it can be soo variable and affected by many things. How long has he been on Abilify and Depakote?

Bringing up the subject of anxiety medicine, I take Klonopin daily, but wondering now if I need to focus on more anxiety medication.

Thank you Donna for responding (( Hugs ))

Blue

Hello OhKay ~ I looking back thru the responses to my posts, I see that the one I sent to you did not go thru, so will get right back to you. I soo appreciate the time you spent to respond

Thank you for welcoming me. Just getting used in how to respond appropriately.

I constantly informed my former psych doc that over the past year I was spending too much money and could this be because of the medication I was on (Zyprexa). He said no and kept me on this drug for a full year, in which time I charged over $20K on my charge cards. In looking around my home, I see little evidence of what in the world I spent all this money on. I know I returned alot of stuff when I went off of Zyprexa and realized what I had done and could no longer afford the minimum monthly payments. I think it must have been alot of vet appts, vet medication and my medical care, along with alot of small things that I really needed, such as sheets, blankets, new pillows a new bedspread, towels. All my linens were threadbare. I did buy a Rollator to help stabilize my daily dizziness and some cookware, but I still don't have a clue what it all went to.

I have always asked if I was BiPolar and throughout all the years have been told "no". I even did excel spreadsheets to cover a year with my former psych doc proving my mood instability with many highs and alot more lows, but still could not convince him. He kept saying I am on all the right medication anyway but would not put anything in writing. I saw him for 30+ years. Now in his letter to my new psych doc he admits I had Hypomania.

In truth, I have been on all the right meds, just could not tolerate the level I needed to be on to control the rapid swings of mood. My GenOMind gene study recently done shows that I am an ultra rapid metabolizer, which means that I am subject to severe side effects and have to remain on very low levels of medication.

Sorry to hear about your dad. He's from the old school, like me and being male, I can understand why he won't go on any of these meds, but there is always hope. Sounds like he has stayed this side of the law all these years.

As explained in a previous post, and you are just catching up, I will bring what medication I was on when I did all the spending along with my bottle of Klonopin and my recent letter from my former psych doc (7 pages) detailing my mental health issues. Great idea, thank you very much for suggesting this and very helpful. Good to be prepared.

I have tried all the mood stabilizers known to man, with the exception of all the newer drugs that have been recently been on the TV. I did try Rexulti but it put me in an altered state of mind, not recognizing my surroundings, so I was taken off this drug. Waiting to hear what this new psych doc has up his sleeve. Two appts ago, he threw up his hands in my face claiming there is no medication I can take as I have been on all of them, that he can recommend. I left feeling very depressed. Due to the limitations my plan has on providers, he is the only one close to my home I can see that will take me, but I wonder if he will excuse me from his practice now.

You bring up a very relevant point. I did put my foot down about taking the newer more expensive drugs that will throw me into the Medicare Donut-Hole within two months and one that I will never be able to afford. I kept telling him over and over again that I would never be able to afford this medication or any that are on Tier IV or Tier V, but it all fell on deaf ears. I did my homework before last meeting and each drug he suggested were on these Tiers. He insisted I try Rexulti as he has alot of samples, but only hands me one week supply, LOL. He said he would keep me on samples but I would have to come back to see him weekly to get the supplies (which means he will charge me more co-pays). I have already been down this road with him about my co-pays. Right now I cannot afford to see him every two weeks because I cannot afford the co-pays. So, he's been running up a balance, charging my insurance for each visit, but holding off on billing me. I told him to subject me to having a new debt this soon after bankruptcy will be harmful to me, but he has disregarded this many times, again falling on deaf ears. And he's the only psych doc I can see now, so I feel like a captured soul right now. I looked up his name and what popped up was his 2.5 billion dollar home he lives in with a large pool (inside and out), tennis courts, a 5 car garage in a very ritzy neighborhood north of me. His monthly taxes are $5,000.00 a month. No wonder he pushes to see me every two weeks, I'm helping pay his mortgage. He is holding my renewal of Klonopin hostage until he sees me enough to prescribe this controlled substance to me. I am on my last bottle now and living in fear he will not renew it in time. My primary wrote my last prescription and she said she will not write anymore, so I am stuck complying with him. I am trying to work thru Medicare to get away from this plan but so far, no luck.

I am suffering right now, agreed, as it takes alot of energy just to maintain mood and wished I was put on something that would help with mood instability, especially facing bankruptcy court tomorrow. I see him the day after bankruptcy on Thursday.

Blue

Hi Mari ~ Yes, that cut deep on soo many levels for me, about my very close friend pulling out at the last minute to take me to my bankruptcy hearing tomorrow. We had planned for months in advance taking me. She wanted to make this a fun outing. We were going to stop off at IHop on the way there and on the way back to take me anywhere I wanted to go. She would be right with me thru the whole procedure. Knowing my difficulties in leaving home (agoraphobia), potential to having sudden panic attacks and high anxiety, she said she wanted to protect me by being there with me. You can imagine how much I really appreciated this. You have no idea how relieved I felt when I heard this. No one has ever looked out for me in this way before. She had become my protector and advocate last two years. After two long years of working on a friendship with her, I think I finally reached a place of feeling safe around her and trusting her. The night before she texted me that "she would not be a part of my bankruptcy experience", which I cannot believe she texted me this message, I finally told her the name of the medication I was recently on and she gasped. She had been after me for awhile wanting to know the name of this particular medication that I was having difficulty adjusting to. She said she had never seen me being psychotic. I assured me being on antipsychotic medicine doesn't mean I am psychotic, it's being used off label to help with Major Depressive Disorder. She just could not get off the idea I was on that class of medicine. Then the very next day, she cancelled my ride. I can't help but think she is now afraid to be with me alone in her car. I have never given her reason to believe this. She did say she never saw me being psychotic before, but now she wonders. I am in her apartment daily to help her navigate her daily needs due to her very limited mobility issues over the past two years. I have basically been her caretaker. There is nothing I would have not done for her. We were very close.

Due to her worsening mobility issues, I have come to believe she is back drinking again, self medicating. Her behaviors are mirroring one who is drinking She has been dry for 12 years and meets weekly with AA in her apartment.

So, with cutting me out for this very important drive to my bankruptcy hearing, currently not being medicated on anything other than Klonopin for anxiety, I have to face the long drive there all by myself and I haven't been away from home that distance last 10 years.

I have done alot of soul searching since reading her text. With all the other behavioral issues recently, I have found myself being significantly triggered by her behaviors. Almost daily she has been ugly towards me, or slurring her words during telephone conversations and suddenly not letting me in her apartment anymore, but meeting me at the crack of the door with a very angry face yelling at me to go away which totally caught me off guard. Lately I have found her tape recorder recording our conversations and asked her why she was doing this and she would only shrug. Once I discovered she was tape recording our get-togethers when we just sat down and chatted, I stopped that and always looked to see if the tape recorder was going on in my presence.

So, not to make this too long, since that text, I felt it was all about me. Now I have forgiven her and realize it is all about her and her reaction to me and I can't control that and am powerless over her. It's about her sobriety and her worsening physical condition and based upon feeling uncomfortable with putting myself in harms way anymore, I decided (with a heavy heart) to end this friendship as it is no longer healthy for me. By acknowledging this, it has released me from feeling victimized and helped calm me down quite a bit.

Even if she gets help and stops drinking, I will not trust her around my emotions anymore. With all the strength it takes to manage my mood disorder, I cannot take on her issues again. I realize my limitations with her and will no longer let her abuse me.
Unfortunately she lives on the floor above me and I run into her alot during the day anyway, so that will be a challenge. Last time she did this to me, she sent me a lengthy letter of apology and said this had to be done to ask for my forgiveness due to one of her 12 Steps she goes thru and her AA group helped her with that. I hope she doesn't send me another one of those letters asking me to actively forgive her.

Thank you for your help with learning how to do a "rapid reply" and listening to this long lament.

Blue

Dear Blue,

I'm wishing you a good trip and that all goes well.
Some klonopin makes sense.

The ride back will be easier because you will have completed your task.

That neighbor has something destructive going on in her head (especially about the
weird recording business.) Keep yourself safe.
Maybe at some point she will moderate herself.



I'm sending you good vibes and well wishes for the trip.

May you encounter good people and much kindness .


M