OhKay ~ Relieved to hear that your prognosis is not dire due to Lithium and you are not on dialysis and not in pain and no kidney stones !!!

I started on 12.5 mg of Lamictal yesterday. My psych doc mentioned to start on such a tiny dose, so he is working with me, finally, as I over-react to most meds. I see him in 5 days. I slept for 13 hours last night, whereas I was only getting between 3 to 5 hours a day of sleep for such a long time. With the AI's the most effective drug that calmed my mind was Risperdol, then Zyprexa, but Risperdol caused rigid muscles and difficulty breathing. Zyprexa I was on when I was spending too much, but that also calmed my mind. My psych doc said most of his BP patients are on 800mg of Seroquel. I wish I could tolerate medication, like you.

I am desperate right now for something to help me with mood. I spend soo much energy trying to modulate mood and I find I isolate just so I don't embarrass myself. So, will retry anything at this point. But if vision is affected again, will have to reconsider other options.

Yesterday, after being invited to play Bingo, I embarrassed myself. One member who won a round of Bingo cleared her board immediately after calling Bingo, so the moderator could not check her board to authenticate. Immediately after that I said the same thing, but I was loud and sarcastic (however, only kidding, but lost my mark in humor as I got scowls from the other members). Now, in defense of me, this lady is suspected of cheating with Bingo (imagine that) and I sat thru 5 games of Bingo and she won each one and it irritated me and I wanted to get up and leave, but right after my outburst, I left.

Then later on, a neighbor who's cat I have been taking care of collapsed. After she came home from the ER, (very dehydrated) I went with another neighbor to her apartment and found her in very bad shape. My neighbor that I went with, would not call 911 but insisted on making her get up, get dressed and walk the long way out to the car to drive her to the ER. I thought by advocating that she could fall or worse and that the medics could give her fluids immediately would be better, but she refused to push for 911. Then I turned around and found her cat's food bowls completely empty and I almost shouted the findings. Today, I apologized for being too aggressive with her immediate care and I was told that someone needed to step in and be aggressive. The sick neighbors bp was 210/110, she was sweating and hot and not aware. I had to leave the sick neighbor in my other neighbors care hoping for the best. Today, she is somewhat better but still dehydrated. I am concerned due to her age (84), so I felt justified in calling 911, but with my poor impulse control, I felt it best to step away.

So, those were instances of two loss of impulse control's that happened to me yesterday and it seems all I do is apologize to my neighbors for my behavior. I have to say, that I had a terrifying experience on the way to my bk hearing and also the day after the bk, I was still feeling overwhelmed which could have played into my lack of impulse control. Today was asked if I wanted to go to a drug store, but I think I will hide away today to give myself a day to recover.

Question for you, do you find the medication you are on is helping manage your symptoms now? How long have you been on these medications?

Thank you for responding to my posts OhKay.

Blue

Today, my neighbor is keeping me away from the sick neighbor I feel offended, but worried they may have seen a part of my personality that they feel I need to be kept away. I know I am overthinking.

Blue

I will stay away and if they need me, they can come to me. Sigh.

Blue

I now feel demoralized, I'm ruminating.

This neighbor asked me again to accompany her to the drug store to pick up more medication for the sick neighbor, and yet she won't let me near the sick neighbor. I declined the invitation. This is confusing to my BP mind.

She told me initially she was going to check on the sick neighbor at 10AM and I sat in the hallway waiting for my neighbor to go with her and she came out from the sick neighbors room and reported to me. I asked for my medical supplies back. She said she was going down again to the sick neighbors apt at 1:00. I waited in the hallway and out pops the neighbor from the sick neighbors room without my medical supplies and does a report on her and felt it was not necessary for me to go in to check on her. I asked for my medical supplies again and she stared at me looking confused.

She said she is going to visit the sick neighbor at 3:00 today. I have closed my door and will not respond to her anymore. They are on their own. I feel soo offended at this point. I don't understand why she tells me when she goes to check and yet won't let me in to see the sick neighbor. The sick neighbor is the one who's cat I took care of for two weeks, along with this neighbor that is baring me from going in. I took care of both of their cats for two weeks, without pay or a thank you.

Trying not to feel demoralized today, but I honestly do. Every time I reach out and help, I get kicked in the teeth and I don't get it.

It's soo hard to make new friends at age 68. I feel lonely and sad today.

Blue

they really sound toxic! I would stay away. I don't think you are being paranoid.
bobby

It's not you. It's them.


M

Thank you Bobby *smiles*. I intend to do just that, stay away. I was hoping I could find a new circular of friends to hand out with but that is not to be.

She was supposed to visit the sick neighbor and come back to me at 3:00pm and it's now 3:30pm, so I guess I am completely cut out of their circle of sorority sisters.

Went to Amazon to order the missing medical supplies I took down to the sick person's apartment. Not waiting to get anything back.

I have always felt they were never really interested in me because they never would listen to anything I would add to any conversation, always interrupted me and changed the subject or talked over me.

Sigh

Blue (always feeling blue and sad).

They are weird and not nice.


I'm sorry for how they are acting.



M

Thank you Mari ~ I feel soo hurt. It's hard to rationalize what's going on when I feel emotional. I guess only time will tell. Thank you soo much for the hugs !! Hugs back !!

Blue

I am 75 and spend most of the time with my two kitty cats. I never married and really have no family. Do you enjoy reading? I find it so relaxing and I only read books with happy endings. Have you tried any historical regency romances or authors like Susan Phillips.I also listen to a lot of music. Right now I am on a Josh Groban kick. Do you have any old friends that you lost contact with? Maybe you could reestablish contact with them? Can you get another kitty cat? I wish your kitty cat could get better but it sounds as if she is suffering and that is so depressing.
I get little sleep and sleeping pills didn't work on me. I try hard to control myself because I get irritable a lot and don't want to drive what few friends I have away. I am bipolar II. There are still a lot of nice people around besides all the cruel ones. Is there some agency who has volunteers that visit? They have them in NYC. I haven't taken advantage of it.
take care
bobby
oops I think you should feel sorry for those miserable people and not take it out on yourself. They aren't worth it!
I also rely a lot on God and believe that everything that happens is
God's will so it is for the good even if I don't understand it.