[bizi]

long rant and I haven't even talked about anything else going on. I dunno! I guess all of this and the fact that I'm still having marital issues is just a big stress on me. I'm just doing my best to cope and stay sane in these times, but it just makes me think too much and sometimes that makes me sad. Like for instance, this morning I was thinking how I got up too late to really get online much and I was feeling really blue about it. But if I'm this blue from missing out online, am I addicted? And if I'm addicted, does that mean things are just so unpleasant at home that I NEED this to cope?! I mean, I'm not saying hubby is all terrible. He's not. But it's like a ticking time bomb thing. Never sure exactly what's going to set him off and start us on another fight. grrrr :/

one should not have to walk on egg shells, what about some therapy for you? then you could ask the professionals what they think...maybe he would go to describe what he has noticed in you...that you T wanted to hear his side. don't call it couples therapy.
just a thought?????
bizi

[GeeLuv]

Bobby
Sorry for any confusion. Sometimes he acts like he understands, like with the cats stuff, but other times he seems completely oblivious or just doesn't want to go there. He's so ...he's so...
He's just something else! I don't really want to try to explain it now when I'm upset and frustrated. (Although I'm not really upset much today, just have the memories and history of disappointments)
He doesn't make EVERYTHING worse, but he certainly doesn't like much of the things I like and that's a big bummer. And when I feel I've done a job well done, he's almost always there to tell me what could have been better. :/
Stuff like that.

Pink
In an ideal world, I'd want a therapist to tell me, in front of my husband, that I am right too a lot of the time, that my way is good too and that I do contribute to the marriage...
I suppose I've gotten that though, so what more I would want is for them to say that sometimes husband is even wrong or goes about things in a wrong or unproductive manner. (Woah! Now there's a shocking concept! Smh) And somehow get husband to actually recognize that he is not perfect and not just say the words, but actually recognize what he does not perfect and apologize for it even.

Also, in an ideal world, hubby would be going to therapy still for himself too. I think he really has some things to work out, which he admitted that he can't even talk to me about (gee, that makes me feel great!). He says I wouldn't understand. (I'm pretty dang understanding.) He says most people, with the exception of maybe one of his family members, would ever understand him. (Ooo! That's sad! )

I'm not sure about online therapy. First I would have to address the issue which I'm about to explain to Bizi.

Bizi

When husband refused to talk with our GP about our relationship issues, GP said he would support individual therapy for me (meaning go somewhere else). But I never really told husband yet, because the last time we spoke about therapy, he was pretty much over it, for any of us, and since he makes the money, he'd be fitting any or all bills. And even before his pay cut this year from "the thing" (capital C for crap. :P ), he likely would have not supported me to go to individual therapy. So this is my big obstacle. I was hoping to find a few decent Ts to check out and present to him with my reasons for wanting to go, but even then, I doubt he'll agree to it. Sigh! I'm not THAT sick, so I'm coping at the moment, but still would be nice to enhance our relationship...even well couples get counseling and I think (I know) we have a lot of issues. Sigh! Still, I understand money is tight right now.

Edit: Oh, and Bizi, we did already kinda try that (having him sit in on my sessions)...although, it wasn't necessarily about couples stuff. Well, the thing was, it did involve how to improve things at home, but again, he just sat there pointing the finger at me. "Needs to do more chores to show she loves me. If, and only if, she does that can I give her more us time and hugs and whatever she wants" (I paraphrase, but it was still a conditional thing and that just really disappoints me)

[mymorgy]

I am sending you a lot of hugs. It sounds so very painful! and frustrating.
fondly
bobby

[bizi]

This is sounding like abuse to me...sorry If I read this too fast.
be well.
bizi

[GeeLuv]

Not feeling well. Today was physical crap. stomachache, headache and tiredness. Headache seemed to have passed after coffee (had it in the afternoon today), but the tiredness icky feeling still remains and while tummy is better now, I'm not sure it's over for good...then again, I'm planning on resting the remainder of the night, so it might be ok.

[mymorgy]

I am so sorry you felt so badly. I too had a very bad stomach ache. I fell asleep very early because I couldn;t stand the discomfort.
fondly bobby and may this be a better day.

[Waking Light]

Hi, GeeLuv, I'm so sorry you've been suffering. I'm glad the coffee helped. Coffee is a friend to me, for some reason, as long as I don't overdo it. I am sending you my wishes for your good health, & also I'm including an imaginary little basket containing 2 very precious & adorable kittens of your very own. And as you know, imaginary kittens only require imaginary food & litter boxes, so they are very economical & easy to care for. Hugs & love to you, dear GeeLuv!

[GeeLuv]

Ahh, thanks folks! WL, that made me laugh and is just what I need!

At the moment I'm feeling better, but if I'm honest, I was having a very rough morning today starting at 2:30am when I attempted to go to bed and woke hubby. He was frustrated about being woken up and asked what I was doing so late. When I said "watching tv", he said "********". I was way to tired to argue (after I said that it was the truth I mean) so I left it at that, but I was deeply hurt. How could he say that I was lying to him?! And this isn't the first time that he's assumed the worst in me. It just hurts so much. I ended up sleeping on the floor and put in headphones so I wouldn't have to listen to him huff and puff and roll around trying to go back to sleep. Took me a bit to calm down and sleep and even when I woke up after a decent number of hours, I was still very very tired. Tired and depressed. I got up for breakfast and meds, but took a nap after. I finally peeled myself out of bed. But I was seriously thinking thoughts of SI. I can't escape this life. I have nowhere to go. But I need to escape! I know death is not the answer, and I wasn't even thinking of ways to go either. I was just that depressed.

And Bizi, if you're reading, I can't comment (or couldn't comment) about your last comment, because it just royally sucks to think about that...even if it's true.

But H and I were having good days for almost 4 days!! Why does this crap have to happen??!! And am I being oversensitive about this?? Honestly, i don't think so. Given everything, I think that was a deep cut dig. Maybe he is worried I'm doing bad things online or just online too much, but the fact that he doesn't trust me when I say that I wasn't...ouch!

Damn! And I wanted to share the good stuff and thoughts. Sigh!

Problem is, I still haven't confronted H about last night and not sure if I'll be able to...but I don't think I'm moving on right now...ugh! I need good thoughts to get through tonight! Wish me well!

thanks!

[GeeLuv]

oh, forgot

so, i'm not sure if it's just the depression or what because it's been 2 nights of this now. After I take my Gabapentin, I become so tired I can barely walk...and that's what made last night even harder for me. I really just wanted to collapse into sleep. But I'm wondering if it's the Gaba making me that tired when I woke up today, or if it's just the depression. hmm...

[mymorgy]

gabapentin has no effect on me. Maybe it is depression. Have some chocolate!
fondly
bobby