He sounds so many times like a negative force. too bad you can't make a sock doll and stick pins in it. sorry couldn't resist lol.
fondly
bobby

what a delightful post! I now have 8 20 pound containers of litter.
Love and kisses
bobby

First, Gee you have an couch correct. If so when your up later than your husband would like. Go to sleep there. But first write him a sweet nice letter letting him know so you wouldn't disturb him you slept on couch for his sake nothing else.

And then when he complains tell him next time he can take the couch.

Ugh! I can't focus on reading long update posts in the check in thread "next door" (PC). It's just too stressfu! Shame too. I like folks, I just don't have the patience.

So I'm here. :P

But with different stress. Maybe I need to stop talking about H, because it's just causing me more pain. I dunno. Like for instance,

Donna-i tried the couch thing. (No, no letter. Didn't even get that far). It's so uncomfortable, but the real fact is, H gets up and needs that room a few hours later (or like an hour after I sleep), so I would just have to wake up again and move. So I moved and slept on my makeshift bed on the floor. Seems he stayed asleep, though im not sure. Then i moved to the bed when he was up and I woke.

But I won't likely be doing late nights again now for awhile (unless insomnia) because I'll have to get up early, plus my regular schedule goal is earlier.

But alas! The issue was not about him waking. It was about his rude, uncalled for comment. He still refuses to apologize and I refuse to forgive him for being a jerk. So I'm miserable and he doesn't care and just says "stay miserable forever if you want". As if it's my choice!

Oh, and he'd never ever sleep on the couch because hes "the one who works and needs a good night's sleep". Couch won't do for him. Only for me, the one with sleep troubles and sensitivities and such. *rolls eyes

I'm just so tired! :/ Tired of him twisting every single complaint I have into making him the victim. He gets to say whatever he wants because I trigger him?! That's not right. :/

But he chooses to remain this way and take no accountability for his own actions. It's always someone else. I just can't wait for lockdown to end...ideally with it safe enough too, because I'll still be anxious about him bringing something home. Sigh!

What a time! It's finally warming up. I'm trying to remember what it feels like to feel good, and physically I feel good-sunshine and warmth on my body, but mentally I'm a wreck!

Well, I'm actually slightly better atm. Maybe just embarrassed. No, no, I still feel tears in my eyes. I'm embarrassed by my behavior today, yes, but what is worse is the pain I'm feeling that I used to feel as a young adult, and that is rejection. Rejection because I'm not good enough, not thin enough, not pretty enough, not good humored enough, not girly enough, not rational enough, not tall enough but not short enough, ...I think you get the picture. Or maybe not. I wrote a lot of physical looks descriptions, but it's more than that. It's lack of talent and lack of good behaviors in addition to the not good looking enough. I think it's just easier to criticize my looks because when i start criticizing my behaviors...well, it's just all bad!

I'm just starting to think how I did before I met my husband...I did not like myself. When I met him, I started to see the light. Now that he's being so critical of me, I'm losing that hope. I'm starting to doubt that I'm actually any better. I'm starting to wonder though, what it is I am supposed to do if everything I do is wrong. (he would tell me to shut up if he heard me talking like this. but i really just feel awful today! He does not understand depression and the emotional and perhaps, irrational thinking that goes on...but is it even irrational??)

anyway, I'm just so tired from working hard this month and not having any appreciation and I'm anxious and sad that the one who's supposed to love me, doesn't seem to care. (again, he'd get upset about this comment)

I gotta go. Obviously, I made my point. I'm a wreck and a loser1

Get some good sleep tonight, things may be brighter for you. couples counseling would really be something that you could insist.He doesn't understand you bipolar. or what ever you have. your therapist or md could be the outsider that maybe able to tell him some of your concerns.
I am sorry that you had a crappy day.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I am so sorry but you your husband reading between the lines sounds like a monster. We are really fragile and need to be in a supportive environment not a cruel one. Maybe your husband is scared to death of the virus and his worse qualities are coming out. I can't tell you to be strong. I can tell you to start repeating to yourself you are a very special articulate woman and do self nurturing. Whatever you do STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP.
growing up I was told I didn't speak right ,walk right or stand right. Because of all the criticism from my parents I did slump and my psychiatrist said that they made my bipolar so much worse. I turned out so self critical. I could only acknowledge that that I excelled in racket sports and taking care of children. I remember one high school Latin teacher tell me she couldn't give me a high mark because I was nervous.
You have got to start focussing on all your positives and start differentiating who really seems to have the big problems. Don't take them on yourself.
start being gentle to yourself! We care so much about you/ You are so special.
fondly
bobby

Gee

You need to find things like your writing you enjoy. And start doing that again. Maybe pick a subject and write on it. You are special and a beautiful person inside and out. Keep telling us how things are going, that's one of the things we are hear for. By the way do you like to walk. If so go out and take a walk each day.

GeeLuv, you are so adorable! If you only knew! I am so mad at him! You are totally lovable! Lots of hugs & love to you!

Thanks you guys! And Bobby, thank you for sharing your story. Sorry you went through that.

Unfortunately I woke up still depressed and anxious/overwhelmed. Depressed with everything but also because my left eye has been sore now for a few days and I'm worried it's from screentime (or worse! Eek!) And it sucks because I do my writing on the computer as well as get support. I'm too shakey and tired to write much with pen and paper right now (depression and maybe sleepiness from the Gabapentin).

But the anxiety or overwhelmed stuff is with therapy. Ok, I mean I made some progress (alone, not with hubby). I called insurance to see what was covered or offered and they told me I could get 3 free sessions per case. So, say I go in about relationship stuff for three, then I could go in for another 3 with personal issues... sounds great, but now I'm scared and stuck on who to choose (I actually made the mistake thinking they didn't send me a list. Well first one was 15pages of psychiatry specialists-is that even right? and then second day I only got 5. So that is all weird and confusing. Grr!), also scared about the when and where I'm going to do this. I can do over the phone, but how will I excuse myself and where can I go for an hour to do my session (phone works). I'm just very stressed and anxious about all of that right now...

But again, this eye thing is also concerning me. I just need rest and relief and worried I'm not going to get that.

Oh and with therapy. Even if all works out logistically, what am I going to say in 3 sessions that will jump start resolving my issues?? I just worry about all of it right now. :/

Thanks for reading. Sorry, but I must rest my eye now. *love And hugs*