[bizi]

when You have time you can get back to the threads, we understand, just keep posting. we are listening.
bizi

[GeeLuv]

Hey folks!

Sorry it's been awhile. I meant to come on Monday?? or was it last Monday?? but the soap opera didn't air that day, and things have just been sorta nutso ever since!

Tonight, I come here in a bit of a bad way. I'm not depressed, but I'm feeling really like down (don't know how else to describe it) about some recent events. I'm feeling like guilt and fear and a bit of anxiety...It's really hard to explain.

But ok, here are some facts
1) I think I only slept 4 hours last night (4a-8a) I took like a 15-20 minute nap this afternoon. But other than that, I felt as though I slept 10 hours! I just feel really good, in that sense.
2) was hypers*xual. Just feeling really "on" all day. (probably doesn't help that I watched a live concert of my crush, but he wasn't even being s*xual, per se. I just find him so desirable, it doesn't matter much what he does) Sigh! I still have fun with H though too.
3) I behaved in today in a way that I didn't think I should be doing...basically, I opened up to the wrong people. I felt it wrong before doing it, but I did it anyway. I'm getting that thrill of risky behavior, but I still remember an awful time when my behavior got me into trouble in the past (again though, not reckless driving or spending, so I don't know if it's considered bipolar?? Frankly, it's not something I care to open up about to my doctor either. )

Still, all of this said, I'm hoping that today was eye opening for me and that my fear kinda keeps me in check. I came here tonight to maybe get some support and encouragement in this. I don't want to say specifics, just that I'm struggling with control here...

so yea, a bit bummed. I feel like I have to censor myself, and that's ...well, i just feel ashamed like that it's come to that, and I'm kinda afraid to make a move at all with that particular crowd...i dunno! Guess, trying to get distracted. Ha! Well, the internet going out this evening for like an hour kinda helped that some. But it is nervewrecking, because that's very important for H's job.

Anyway, I didn't intend to write all of this. I hope I didn't blab too much here too that I'll regret later. :'(

[mymorgy]

i really think you need some new medication. You sound so manic. I am scared for you. I want you to be safe! I don't want you to torture yourself! I also see that you are having a lot of pleasure too which I don't know if you want to give up.
take care
bobby

[Dmom3005]

Gee

First we all have our days of sleeping just a few hours. So that is just part
of life. So try to get more the next night.

Next I am not sure what to say about the rest. Maybe try just thinking it,
and that way its just in your head. If that makes sense.

Donna

[bizi]

I agree with bobby, you sound manic to me maybe hypo mania. The regretful feelings you describe sound way to familiar.
I am sorry that you are going thru all of this.
bizi
you need better medication. IMHO
bizi

[GeeLuv]

Folks, I was doing good all day, but then the sadness, the painful desires are happening again.

Like see, the thing is, ...the thing is that I can totally justify my behavior and my yearning. I'm missing something in my real life. But I just still feel bad about it... it's just a moral dilemma, that I don't think anyone here can really help me with, unfortunately.

But ok, as far as the energy and sleep stuff. Well, I feel the energy has been a good thing because I'm getting back to doing productive things. And still not everything I used to do, but much better. I fear changing meds will only put me back into depression, because frankly, that's all that happened when i was experimenting with stabilizers. That and the terribly despairing weight gain.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure sleep was better today. Was still a late night, but at least 30 to 60 minutes earlier and I slept through the night (well, I didn't stay up when I woke up). But I can't remember exactly when I got up. Worst case I got like 5 hours, best case 6.5?? Yea, I mean that's still not a lot, but idk. I think it's ok, since I'm not really working out and im eating a bit less (Think I'm eating a bit less).

But to add to this, I'm feeling pretty sad right now. It's basically that yearning for something I'm missing, or even more than what I need in this life...i am just allowing myself to think bad things sometimes just so I'm not sad, if that makes sense. Like I pretend or fantasize that I could just have whatever I am wanting, when deep down, I know it doesn't work that way...especially for me. :/

[bizi]

sorry for the longing.
and that you are not satisfied.
nights are worse.....
establish some sleep schedule
and stick to it.
sweet dreams, bizi

[GeeLuv]

I just thought of something that's keeping me from more sleep ()Well, that and the sunrise)

So, I am mixed about this, but in a way it's good I'm starting to recall some of these feelings I've actually had as a teen. I'm feeling very much like I did this one night I did something stupid. I'm starting to believe it was a mental health issue. Everyone was shocked by what I did. They thought I must've been drunk. When I said I wasn't, they looked at me like i was a freak. It kinda ruined my relationship with my crush at the time too. Gah! Like when i did the thing, it just made total sense in my mind. Bur afterwards, i felt stupid about it. Like, wow!

Part of why I'm recalling this is because it happened late one night when I was sleeping on the couch at my aunt's house. And I'm sleeping on the couch right now. Very same feelings... I don't know that I can really do anything stupid though because I'm not in an environment that is like tempting me really...but I don't know. Suppose I could still somehow.

Oh yes! And I just want to say, this feels kinda like some mixed episode. Was having suicidal ideation last night. Really bad mental place, crying and all that, but still hyper in my mind, still obsessing...

Ok, well, gonna try to sleep some more.

[mymorgy]

you have to give yourself a break and stop torturing yourself. You are bipolar. I think of suicide a lot but am terrified of God. I also have kitties to think of.
I forgot if you said you are 37. to me that is so young. I wish you could start thinking of your future. Thank God you have a husband whom you sometimes have very good times with. I wish you could think of those rather than the bad things and at least you are not isolated. I am isolated and believe me it is the pits. Talk about sadness. You also have a loving family. That is such a gift. Mine were abusive and always scapegoated me I don't have pleasant memories. You will have wonderful pleasant memories and I think they will grow even more pleasant. I am happy for you that you don't have the pressure of having children.
I so love children and worked with them as a psychologist to help them not suffer the way I suffered. Being bipolar I think is too much to handle by itself.
I wonder if you could try writing happy short stories because you are a great writer.That might help take away some of the pain of your illness. I wish you could get your own kitties to comfort you!
bobby

[GeeLuv]

You guys are so sweet.

Well, I am getting some kitty time this week (if I can ever get to a breaking point long enough to spare a few hours to get over there again). But perhaps I can try the writing again next week. I'll give the happy stuff a try, but I think it will be hard not to write dark if I'm feeling so dark. ...but I guess I do have some good memories and good times. I'll try to focus on those. Think it all just got so much worse because my bad memories were triggered. :/

Group hugs!