[mymorgy]

you can do it!

[GeeLuv]

Ok, so i just sent this to my doctor. Is there anything I missed though?? I dunno. It's hard to really recall how I was feeling now that I feel mostly better. :/

Hello Doctor,
So, I'm actually feeling much better today, or rather, since last night, but I've had quite the roller coaster of moods this past week, with one kinda bad day, that followed about a month of a more elevated mood, with much less sleeping (sometimes only 4 hours a night) and not feeling tired, or feeling completely rested after only a short 30 minute nap.
That "bad" day, it was a mix of moods, very awake/alert/disturbed mixed with very dark and depressed thinking.
There are a few triggers, one has seemingly resolved (I hope), but another, I'm struggling to remove myself from. I don't WANT to give it up. I guess I'm hoping that I'll someday be able to manage it better, but it's definitely a make or break thing when it comes to my moods. Actually...I think removing it altogether would make me super depressed.
As I started this note, I'm feeling a lot better right now, but I was so troubled on my "bad day" that I told my parents I would notify you about this. I couldn't hide my feelings completely from H, and he did do his part to try to make me feel better, but he'd never understand or care to understand the full extent of it. (I've tried talking about it with him before) So, that's why I would rather keep this a bit vague right now. Guess I'm just still struggling with a few personal issues.
Ok, well, just a record of this. Unfortunately, that month of elevated moods, I had neglected to track my moods (which I decided I felt was important to keep track of again in my journals), so I'm not 100% sure when moods changed or for how long they lasted, but I still feel that for the majority of the summer, my moods have higher than average (not necessarily complaining), productivity had improved (although I was still focusing a lot of energy on MY tasks, mixed in with the chores), and the need for less sleep (like I was actually waking up early and not even able to go back to sleep a lot).
Thanks for reading. I requested some refills, and I will need those now, but I also realize that I will be seeing you in just a couple of weeks for my appointment. See you soon!

[bizi]

Did you feel compelled to write this letter?

Like you had to write it and send it to him?
Or did you just want to get the info to him

before your appointment?
The last time that I wrote to my pdoc a
letter like that she told me to go in patient.
Good luck, what did you want from him in
response to this letter.
I think it is good that you wrote it down,
but not that you sent it to him.
that is just me looking at my last in patient experiences.
bizi

[GeeLuv]

Oh no! You really think so? This is the doctor who told me before that I wasn't experiencing hypomania because I wasn't reckless with money or driving (??)
Also, the vague thing isn't anything physically harmful...more just maybe emotionally (??) Between us, it's about my obsession/crush on Tom, and tonight was super fun as he was on Twitter for like an hour live tweeting and that was the first time I got to see him "live" since I was a teen (Almost 20 years ago).

[GeeLuv]

Ok, well, according to this site's checklist (link below) that I found today, I have bipolar or bipolar 2 (probably the latter).

Before I was convinced that I didn't have bipolar...that it's just some sort of atypical depression, but just coming out of one (or even still in one and/or mixed) of my "manic" or "hypo" states, and I can tick off more boxes here now.

Look! I put an asterick (*) by the ones I felt I exhibited, or rather, exhibited most. I don't have much opportunity to speak or speak freely so I can't judge that, and my self-esteem is definitely higher than other times, but not sure if it's high high. And I seem to recall describing myself as easily distracted, but I can't remember it clearly right now.

And obviously, I relate to all of the criteria for depressive episodes.


(must have 3)
high self-esteem
*little need for sleep
increased rate of speech (talking fast)
*flight of ideas
getting easily distracted
*an increased interest in goals or activities
*psychomotor agitation (pacing, hand wringing, etc.)
*increased pursuit of activities with a high risk of danger

(must have 4)
*changes in appetite or weight, sleep, or psychomotor activity
*decreased energy
*feelings of worthlessness or guilt
*trouble thinking, concentrating, or making decisions
*thoughts of death or suicidal plans or attempts

Diagnosis Guide for Bipolar Disorder

I've also been looking at triggers, and things like negative events and to the contrary, positive events or achievements, as well as change in seasons and how that affects my sleep, all play important roles for me.

I'm still curious why I still seem better on antidepressants though?? I mean, I'm still experiencing depressive episodes, and the highs aren't extreme, and like the antipsychotics only made me constantly depressed and gain weight. I don't want that! :/ So like NOW, I don't want to admit that I'm again kinda mixed today to my doctor. But like, I seriously believe now that I DO have this...i know, what's the point if I'm not going to do anything about it?? Well, I'm gonna keep better record, for one...but I dunno!! Like really, what IS the point?! I'm managing myself ok...i think...I'm taking a Twitter break today, for instance, to avoid triggering my maniclike symptoms as well as having the sad comedown from those highs. Last night right before sleeping, I was sooo happy! I mean, I guess there was a slight"oh, i wish this could last forever" feeling, but today, I woke up completely depressed! Not thinking anything particular, just exhausted in every way, and had this terribly depressing song in my head. :/

I seem to be slightly better with the Twitter break, but I'm still going nuts on the internet with looking up this bipolar stuff. What else can I do though?! I'm so bored otherwise!!

[GeeLuv]

I have a dentist appointment today, and normally it wouldn't even be newsworthy since it's just a cleaning. However, since I've never had my wisdom teeth removed (I know! But well there are risks ), and the one has now broken the gumline, I may have to have the discussion again about removing it and/or them...and this has brought me a ton of anxiety in the past, and very likely will again. So please, just send prayers and/or good thoughts my way for today. Thanks!

[bizi]

sending positive calming thoughts your way.
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[Waking Light]

Hi, GeeLuv! I am also sending good thoughts your way. I had mine removed & everything turned out fine. They were about to crowd my teeth & they are still straight after all these years.

[GeeLuv]

Hey folks!

Sorry it's been awhile!

Dentist was ok, but I do need to schedule a consult about the wisdom tooth/teeth. So, just another thing to do!

I also had my followup with my GP, and we had a long chat about this bipolar stuff. Well, I got validated, however, I probably still screwed it up. I was emphasizing how much I didn't want to go on antipsychotics again, but he insisted he write out the script for Vraylar. I still have to look into specifics on that drug, and 8 have to have a chat with my husband about it too. I'm really afraid I screwed up, cuz like when asked about thoughts of harm, well I said I'd ever act on suicidal thoughts...truth is, I'd probably not likely even act on harming thoughts again either, but I said maybe...or implied maybe. Ugh! I'm sure that's the only reason now that he prescribed this. I feel fine right now though!

I also expressed my concern about weight gain, but more importantly, being in a constant lower mood. He SAYS this is to combat lower moods. I'm not sure if I believe him though! Also, he said in bipolar that it's not really true that the higher you go, the lower you fall. Why the heck am I being prescribed this then?!

My frustration is amplified right now cuz of pms...i think? Or is this bipolar side effect? I was stable though before my regular cycle of mood kicked it. The "bipolar" episodes I describe are outside of my pms days...but again, what do I know right?! I mean, it's only MY body. :P

Just confused and scared. Any thoughts?

Love and hugs!

[bizi]

hi geeluv,
thanks for popping in.
It can be difficult to give a bipolar diagnosis until you see a psych provider.
They need to listen to your truth and it is important to not lie or with hold bits and pieces.
vraylar is a good medication, I have read a lot of good reviews.
Bobby just started taking this, you guys can be a support to each other.


going to see another episode of the x-files.
delusions and false beliefs are parts of psychosis.
you could be BP1.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi