[bizi]

Be careful, not all of those fans are bipolar, you have to be really careful.
Sleep is really important to staying sane. I think I would make that a priority.
bizi

[bizi]

How is it going?
I ask because I care.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[GeeLuv]

You're so sweet to ask!

Ughh, unfortunately at this very hour I'm not so great. I mean, it's just sadness. I've been up and down now for the majority of the last week (one "normal" day in there). Nights get harder. Fall is here, but other things. I dunno! Tonight there was a specific trigger...actually, most times there are, but they shouldn't be getting me so down. I dunno! Sorry, I'll get to it. Basically, I commented on a Tom post and he's still not replying/reacting to us, but others react to me. I was getting a lot of likes, but I started to realize that I may have been attracting the wrong attention and I was afraid I said something ...well, i was afraid and I deleted my comment. Oh, but I forgot to say, I was first to reply. Not sure if he even sees these, but it seems more likely he'd see the first couple. I was so excited and then so disappointed. Of course he sees this one that may have misrepresented me. U ghh. And just the sad thought that he hasn't noticed me or he might not even like what he sees, and it kills me to think I won't be liked by someone I love.
To top that off, my friend comes to show me she got liked by the former bandmate. Well, he never noticed me on tweets before (even if he sometimes talks to me in the chat). I just...im kinda jealous! I mean, she gets that like and she's also been recognized by Tom too. I mean, I'm happy for her, but at the same time, it's like salt in the wound. I know she needed the pickmeup, but still.

So, all that. But idk why, but I've also just been getting really sad (typically at night), feeling like disappointed in myself but also life, and I'm getting intrusive thoughts of self harm. Not wanting to act on them. (I'm too afraid of the pain, but the consequences) But yet I just ...it just hurts my heart so much. I mean, I don't even know how to explain it. I want to mentally go to that dark place and live in the hurtful thoughts, because I deserve it?? I dunno. I just feel I have to do it for some reason. Like...like I should be sleeping right now, but instead I decided not to fall back asleep just yet and be sad/angry more. But it also doesn't help that H is still awake. Think he's coming to bed now tho?? Yea, the irony is I've been not sleeping until 4 or 5 am a lot, and the night(s) I go to bed by 2 (or early/earlier), he's still awake. I slept enough the last couple of days, last night I was again up till 4 or 5, but i did force myself to sleep and to keep sleeping when id wake in the night... but yea, im having to force sleep! Like im not always tired or something. I know part of it is again too much screentime and not enough exercise...

Which reminds me. I started writing again. So I plan to be preoccupied with that this month and November. If I don't get on a lot, that's part of it. But I do think of you all a lot, and try to come on when I can (remember and am not so distracted). I'm gonna see how tomorrow goes. We were supposed to go vote. If I'm still feeling crappy... I don't know though. Like I said, poor habits could explain things. I really don't want more meds. But if those things don't work, then I'll write back my doctor and reconsider meds or treatment.

Thanks and sorry for the ramble.

[bizi]

I think you are right to consider seeking out professional help.
A mood stabilizer would help with the highs and lows of bipolar.
It could help you become more stable in regards to your moods,
and still allow you some emotions. writing a journal and even just talking with a therapist can help for some clarity.We all know what we need to do, its the shouda woulda coulda....blah blah blah.
I hope I don't come across as a know it all because I certainly don't.
From what you write it seems that you are needing some help with balancing your real life and your fantasy life. Am I right?
just observing.
bizi

[GeeLuv]

I'm sorry I'm slow. I did read this though.

I got myself feeling better with exercise (the other day), but I don't want to make it sound like I'm faking my symptoms cuz i am not. It's just, I think maybe exercise is the best medicine for me right now...

I'm also keeping busy with my writing, that I started up again. I gave myself a rest day today, cuz i hit it hard yesterday, but I think doing that everyday is kinda essential for me (or most days).

I'm kinda feeling a bit down right now, and my thoughts are scattered from that and stress/anxiety about things (like others' priorities over mine)...which is kinda what brings me here tonight...

Trigger warning, but please someone read, cuz I just need to vent (and I'm safe)

After a long week of feeling alone irl, I finally messaged my Mom telling her it's been rough. No details, yet, just that I've been struggling. Well, her response was that she's having a rough time lately too-stressed. But, is it wrong that that like really hurts me?? I mean, I'm going to Mom for help, and all she can say is she's not well?? Like, ...I mean, I know it's kinda not fair for one adult to do what I did to another, but she's my Mom!! Also, I have no one else. She, hypothetically, could get a therapist... i dunno. It's just now I'm questioning, do I admit to her now that I've been having intrusive thoughts of physically harming myself...or do I suck it up more?? Also, I don't want you folks to worry either. I'm not in any danger and I have no intention to act on these thoughts, they're just there and I'm hurting emotionally...


Like, again, with any other adult, or with my friends who don't outright ask, I'd prefer not to burden them with my hurt...but I need SOMEONE! So, I've been checking in with my online support folks, as well as that exercise stuff/doing calming activities.

Also, and I don't even know if this is denial, but I don't THINK that I'm struggling with real vs fantasy. I mean, I KNOW what is fantasy...I just wish it was more in my real life/that real life was more satisfying...that being said, the writing and exercise help, and I did have a pretty decent time with H tonight, even if it was short...I think I just feel some guilt that it was MY fault it was short, but in actuality, I think it was him and I just FEEL guilty-which sucks! Why am I so unfair to myself??!!

Bizi, if you read one thing- No, you don't sound like a "know it all". You just are sharing your observations and concern, and that's really all anyone can ask. Hugs! Also, very good advice about the shoulda coulda woulda...I think, as I said above, my medicine for the moment is exercise and writing and limiting my "online socializing"/the stressful socializing stuff. few close friends is ok, and support groups...but, if this continues to be up and down in the next week, I'll for sure write to my doctor again. (I know, I'm really trying to put it off, because I am scared of making a bigger deal than it might be...but I am supposed to check in with him, so I think I'll have to) Thanks!

And thanks for anyone else reading too. Hugs!

[Dmom3005]

Okay, I'm going to be the mom your mom wasn't for a minute.

Just to state this first. Not all mom's get the I need you to ask me
what I mean by I'm not feeling good, or what exactly you said.
Her response was what a mom would say, if they thought you meant.

I have a cold and I have sneezing and things like that. Unless she also
has feeling like you do. And then maybe she can't honestly deal with
the same issues through you that she deals with. And that honestly
is hard for a mom to deal with or tell their kids.

Now I'm going to be the Mom that your mom couldn't be.
I'm going to give you my none work email, that you can email me
any time you need to specifically talk to someone. I check in multiple
times a day. And I can answer there better than in the area we have
here. My request is in the section here that you go and look at
my personal email. And leave me yours, so when you email me I will
know its yours. Also when you if your comfortable doing this leave
me your email, i'm going to email, stating its me Donna and its just
a hi, how are you doing. Email anytime you need or want.

Donna

ps. Nothing is to much for a mom. And I can always use another
child. Or in this case Daughter.

[bizi]

you are a gem donna and so generous with your time.
I hope gluv accepts your invitation.
I sorry gluv that you are experiencing the ups and downs of bipolar.
Meds could really help you. They soften the blow. lamictal is the first line medication for mood disorders. It is in the anti-convulsant family.
I would recommend making a mood chart and a sleep chart to document your days. And give you exactly how you have been sleeping. you can google mood charts. If you cycle thru these emotions on a daily basis, we call this rapid cycling. and if you are having depression and mania at the same time we call this mixed mood or dysphoria.There are a lot of similarities between hypo mania and mania. they can look the same, it is just more severe and it interfers with your life more. hypo mania can feel great lots of energy to do things instead if you are on line half the day then that is a problem. People can get addicted to the internet if they are honest with them selves. OCD can look alot like obsessive thinking and compulsion to act on the obsession like you can't help it. using a timer throught the day to limit your time on the computer...if that si what you want to do.
many hugs your way.
bizi

[Dmom3005]

Thanks Bizi,

Gee, I would highly recommend Lamictal for usage. I know
it mainly as a seizure medicine. But its been very successful
for both mood and seizures.

Derrick my youngest is on it for a second time for his seizures.

Donna

[GeeLuv]

Thank you both so so much! And yes, Donna that is so very generous of you, and I kinda hope it might help me keep more connected to this community, because I am on email regularly and could reply better there.

First off, the med the doctor recommended for me was Vraylar. I will definitly keep Lamictal in mind though...or even ask about it. oh, so many things to say, but i have one hand typing right now (eating lol)

The obsessive behaviors-yes, i'm well aware of addictions. I am sure there is some part of that here. But mostly, it's just that I don't have many other things that I LIKE to do. I've sortof prioritized some online things too. Maybe that is some of that reality vs. fantasy Bizi mentioned earlier. I probably am being a bit selfish...at the same time, I am talking to people and helping them a lot too, so I feel like it's almost a calling...something I was born to do. I HAVE to do it! But I do understand having a timer ...

(brain going faster than my hand now lol ummm)... ok, i'll just go wash up and finish in a second

[GeeLuv]

1. Ok, first I want to say that I feel like I'm doing a lot of things RIGHT. And the writing hobby has been really good to keep me focused on something productive, as well as somehow help me better with my journaling. (the mood chart is separate tho)
2. I also have been attempting to do better with exercise, as I've noticed it greatly helps keep my mood positive...and maybe that's a bit of hypomania at play (or this mixed stuff), but I do have to force it. I KNOW it helps me when I'm down, so forcing it is good, even if I hate it at first.
   
3. Um, I'm sure there are more good...oh, just like keeping the house cleaner??? Although I'm sure that's debatable *rolls eyes
   
   
   
   
   
4. Ok, now for the shortcomings. Biggest biggest issue has always been and is still being a problem. Me being so distracted that I burn or screw up food. Now then, to my defense, a lot of these times I honestly believe it's not for lack of focus, but just that it's not an exact science to get everything perfect (flavor and such). idk! H still maintains that I don't listen, but I swear, there are too too TOO many rules and it's different for every dish (well, kinda or practically). I've done my best to make things easy to remember...
   
   
5. The other complaints are well, the focus, specifically that I'm online while cooking. I still maintain that I can multitask and I actually DO use the computer to keep track of the time. Today was another unfortunate time that I did get distracted though. H didn't say anything at all about it, but I am pretty dang sure he noticed/knows...and it'll probably come up at some point. idk! But like, I'm so grateful at the moment he didn't say anything, because I already know I very much screwed up, and that is what brings me to the
   
   
   
   TRIGGER!!
   
6. TRIGGER- it's just that I feel so incompetent, or I feel he makes me feel that way. Like, why am I really screwing these things up so much?? I KNOW today I was mentally distracted. It was definitely a case of the different recipe, different method of cooking time, so I just assumed it was the regular thing and let it go too long. I DID however, stay in the kitchen and could smell it getting done, so I shut it off soon enough so that it wasn't that bad, but again, I'm sure he noticed cuz I did. I actually tried scraping burnt bits off and tossing them before he could see/say anything...That shows how aware and how bad and scared I get...so that is when I start thinking the worst thoughts.
   
   
7. And it's so bad because i ...again, I don't WANT to say it's an addiction, but I really really do NEED my tablet/earbuds/internet/online "family", because I just do not have any other things interesting I can do. I have my chores, but everything else I enjoy (well, besides exercise) requires being with other people. Obviously, it's difficult in these days, but even if I could get together with people irl, they are not the kind of relationships I NEED. I mean, sure it's fun and good sometimes, but not for a regular thing and can in fact be quite distracting or even toxic! And even though he loves me, H just has a comPLETEly different way of thinking about things. Not saying it's necessarily wrong, but it is hard for me. I love him too though, and despite me doing or saying things that he doesn't always like, I do/say these things to try to make our lives better. Yes, to make my life better, but I can't make OUR life better, if I'm not better. Make sense??
   
   
   
   
   
8. Clearly, I just need to talk about these things, and a lot more than I get to do...and this also takes time typing it out and just the logging in, turning stuff on, loading time, blah blah blah...
   
9. Well, this is already very long and i think I explained enough for now. I'm not in any harm, but that's kinda where my head has been. Hypo/obsessed...but also just imperfect circumstances that make doing things and doing them in a timely manner difficult. Oh yea, and with the days getting shorter/less sunlight=ugh!!
   
   
   
   
   
10. Sorry, ONE last thing. The mood chart-I used to be REALLY good at this, but at that time, I wasn't really fluctuating so much. So I made it simple. My daily mood/s. But once I got my new journal, I somehow completely forgot to start tracking that again. Yea, I wanted to do a more detailed thing, but instead, I ended up doing nothing. (that's kinda me though, unfortunately. perfect or nothing at all...actually, H is VERY much this way too, except he's "perfect" AND does it all! Good, but also very VERY irritating/intimidating for me).
11. ok, bye for now! (((((hugs)))))