Hi Bobby, I'm sorry I didn't know Suri. Also, it seems the rise in covis cases is turning things around again. Maybe that's a sign that we will be out of the woods a bit sooner? I hope so. :hug: :circlelove: Hugs & love to you & your kitties!

suri was really special. she never complained about her cancer and went so much through it.
she tried s hard to beat it using alternative and traditional medicine and even went to china twice.
when she died my stomach really started acting up big time. ibs is awful. i was up most of the night with discomfort. i just had some lemon juice.
I am terrified about the virus. that has made my ibs worse. Fauci predicted that we might have 100,000 cases a day soon. i think it is going to get worse until they make a vaccine. i blame trump so much. i live in ny and think that cuomo has done a splendid job. i don't about you but i have only left my apartment once.
i am just so scared. my kitty cats are wonderful. one of my volunteer called me last night after five. i got scared that he wasn't going to call. that was so nice.
love and kisses
bobby

my nerves are on fire. my ooma stopped working and i unplugged etc. wrote robert for help. my two volunteers are calling after 5. a little while later it worked.
yesterday i was so constipated i took two bottles of magnesium citrate and nothing happened. i catasphozed and started thinking i was going to have an operation. i took a suppository this morning and i went and went and went. i am losing it.i am so anxious.pudge stayed with me all night. i couldn't sleep

Dear Bobby, I'm so sorry you are suffering this way. My heart feels so sad. If you only knew how special you are! Life is hard, much of the time. But the way we can help each other is a mechanism God gives us to somehow create a harmony that helps us all. You really are a very special contributor to this ecosystem of ours. Thank you, dear friend! :grouphug: :hug: :Heart: :heartthrob: :circlelove:

that was so beautiful. thank you so very much.
i just watched my first movie in so long on youtube.it is called burmese harp.
it is a japanese antiwar film done in 1956. it was so unusual and parts so beautiful.
love and kisses
bobby

Q: What is your best guess about when a vaccine will be available?

Fauci: We have multiple candidates, and my hope is that we will have more than one, probably by the end of this year or the beginning of 2021.

Dear Bobby, I really don't know much about anything. I just know that I feel guided by God. Something tells me I have a connection with everything &
everyone. And I feel connected to you, dear friend!!:hug:

you are so blessed. that is so wonderful.
love and kisses
bobby

HAPPY 4th OF JULY/INDEPENDENCE DAY BOBBY!! :) :circlelove:

happy july 4th to you I just saw that my all time favorite movie Kagemusha by Kurosawa is free on youtube. I might watch it today and try to remember why I loved it so much.
love and kisses
bobby

my best friend who died of cancer a half a year ago wrote me this a while before she died. i don't know if you are interested.


Hi, I am trying to write the idea that I thought of that we talked about yestersday. It is based on ideas that I learned in Jewish studies over the years that I just put together. Please tell me what you think.
In Genesis, at the end of the six days of creation, it says that G-d said, "Let's make man." Who was G-d addressing? Our sages over the years have given various answers to this question: angels, all of creation- in order that each thing contribute some of itself to the new amazing creation called man... The answer that I like best is that G-d was actually talking to man. He said, I created your body and soul, abilities, disabilities and talents, thought and free will etc. and now I want you to create yourself. I have created the raw materials and I need you to make something of yourself.
To make life a challenge, as opposed to life being simple and straightforward, G-d had to hide His own existence to allow for free will.
We also learn in Jewish studies that we were all created in a way that we can have eternal existence. This includes the existence of our soul even after our life on earth is over. We learn that the quality of this eternal existence is dependant on the efforts we put in in our life here.
Another thing we learn in Judaism is that G-d is One. In physics they are trying to find the smallest particle of which everything is made, like quarks or whatever might be found in the future to be smaller than those. But we sort of look at the inverse of that, that everything small and large, physical and spiritual etc, is actually a part of G-d. G-d created everything and everything is within G-d. We learn for example, that after life on earth our soul returns to the oneness of the G-dly realm.

So my question was, how can we retain our individuality if we go to the Oneness that in general is not individuated? I read an excerpt of a woman's near death experience and she wrote how when she "died" she felt that her existence was being subsumed by the oneness and intense love that was enveloping her. She said she felt she had not accomplished what she was sent to earth to do. The only thing she could do was to ask for more time on earth and she returned to her body.
So the conclusion I came to was just a matter of connecting all these ideas:
Our soul is placed in a body and put here into a world where we don't readily see or experience G-d and we have to overcome obstacles and challenges and darkness and "choose (eternal) life". It is these tough but good choices that give us the eternity. Sometimes we falter and choose unwisely and G-d sends us "reminders", like suffering. This causes us to think and maybe reevaluate aspects of our life. And this concentration and deep thought and good actions and good choices is what creates our individuality for eternity. And sometimes we are really good and are just given challenges even if we were totally good, because the depth of being that results is also creating our greatness for eternity.
So the more we put in great effort to develop our spiritual self and also if we suffer, the more we (hopefully) think about meaning and life, spirituality and G-d, and maybe that way G-d guides us to eternity.

i was severely depressed today. suri's letter helped me. the following also helped and i am no longer depressed.

Sparking a Jewish Journey
Though there are many factors that motivate Jews to embark on spiritual journeys, Jewish tradition recognizes that, often, the most important factors are not cerebral. Sometimes, it is the grandeur of the universe that either provides a spiritual experience or motivates spiritual searching. A glimpse of na*ture more breathtaking than we imagined it could be. A sim*ple unexpected kindness that so profoundly touches us that we begin to ask, “Who are we? Why are we here?”

Sometimes, it is the birth of a child. A child emerges into the world and despite the presence of nurses, physicians, ma*chines, family, and all the attendant elements of modern de*livery, we know that we are in the presence of a miracle. We gaze at our child and we recognize that all the biology in the world cannot explain this new being. We cradle in our arms not just another person, but a being of infinite value and vast potential. We cradle a piece of ourselves, and know that if we are fortunate, this piece of ourselves will survive us. Suddenly, we have a small piece of immortality. And we wonder: Who will remember us? How will we be recalled? After we’re gone, will we and this child ever “meet” again? How? When?

At other times, it is trauma that motivates spiritual odysseys. Illness, death, loneliness–all of these also cause us to ask life’s ultimate questions and to begin the quest for mean*ing. At still other points in life, it is neither celebration nor mourning that motivates our wonder. It can be a simple pause in the hectic pace of life. That moment when we have achieved most of the things that we planned to accomplish. All the needed degrees, a career, perhaps a family.

The details vary with every person, but at some point in our lives, we may suddenly stop and realize that we’ve attained most of what we set out to do. Then what? Where next? What does it all mean?

Many people today begin their conversations about religion with the proverbial question “Do you believe in God ?” But Ju*daism understands that if that question is the first one, then people who cannot answer yes will not be able to begin the journey. That is why the question “Do you believe in God?” is not the central Jewish spiritual question. It is not an illegiti*mate question; Jews are certainly not forbidden to ask it. But Judaism has chosen a different emphasis, a focus not on belief, but on faith. Jewish life is interested not in proving God’s ex*istence, but in feeling God’s presence. Judaism is interested not in philosophic arguments for God, but in what modem Jewish philosopher Abraham Joshua Heschel (1907-1972) called moments of “awe and wonder,” moments when God suddenly seems close.

Reprinted with permission from God Was Not in the Fire (Simon & Schuster).

Bobby

Maybe you can print this off and keep it somewhere to read when your Down. Maybe it will help you more times.

I hope things keep.looking up.

i did print both things down and have read them a lot . they are on my bed.
they do help. last night i had two anxiety dreams. i am so terrified about the virus and i haven't received my lease yet. as i wrote i only left my apartment once. my stomach is really acting up. my kitty cats are so wonderful and the ac is fantastic.
there is another movie on you tube i want to watch. yesterday i read a delightful book.
fondly
bobby

my bipolar is really out of control. I have been panicking so much. Often I am terrified. robert was supposed to come over yesterday and I wrote him a note seeing if he was okay. He hasn't answered me so of course I think he caught the virus and is in the hospital or he had a heart attack. I always think the worse and since the virus it has gotten so much worse. I feel so old and helpless
I hope on Thursday when I speak to the doctor he can give me something for my panic attacks. I think I will call Robert at nine to see if i can reach him and see that he is okay. i am tormented.
yesterday marci was worth a trillion dollars. she found i had a big problem i didn't know about and she fixed it.. she also found the charger to my phone and to my kindles. i spent 15 minutes looking for them. i got three washable pretty masks. i don't know what i did with them but i am going to give her one.
last friday aaron my volunteer didn't call and i got so sad. i thought he found me too boring. i haven't told him i am bipolar. yesterday he called and profusely apologized. it was his second anniversary on friday. his wife is russian and is in russia and hasn't gotten her visa yet. he called me even though our dates are on wednesday and friday to explain what happened and that he would call me on wednesday and friday..he is so interesting, incredibly bright and unusual. he mentioned a book that sounded interesting so i ordered it.
today i am going to force myself to go to the bank with marci. i am so terrified of going out. it is so sick. i have only been out once.
bobby
i started overspending again.

i just called robert and left a voicemail saying i was worried because he didn't come over or respond to my email. it must be so awful to have a nutty friend.
hopefully he is walking his dog danny.

robert still hasn't contacted me.

I just heard from robert. except for humidity he is fine but he had an emergency with a client so he couldn't come over. i don't think he know how f##kng sick I am. as i grow older i become sicker.

Bobby

You will get through this. Just remember that especially Robert seems to have clients. So maybe it's because a client has an emergency that he isn't responding next time.

I am glad you are enjoying your callers.

Donna

you are right. that was so unlike robert. he spent almost three hours here. he cleaned my ooma but then it didn't work. he worked on that the last and made one phone work. i told him marci needed to use the phone or she would have to make a trip downtown to get paid. he tried to also help me with my cellphone but my hands were so shaky i couldn't do anything. then he tried to transfer some pictures of danny on to my computer but something wasn't working. finally again he started on making ooma work so i could have use of my phone but marci already left. i was holding danny most of the time. he spent a long time licking my lips and licking my arms. i think he must really like me. in the end i told robert i loved him and he was such a patient genius.he was flattered and told me how compassionate i was because of the emails i sent him. i was so concerned that he was all right. my stomach is still hurting.
fondly
bobby
i finally went to the bank with marci .everybody on the street was wearing a mask. that was the second time i was out since the virus.

I am glad that you have robert in your life!!!!!
bizi who needs to get to bed.

so great to have you back. I really missed you big time. robert and Marci are true blessings. he was over tonight again and hooked up the new ooma modem. hopefully I won't have telephone problems again. I am so unhappy and I should feel so blessed.
love you
bobby
i am over buying again.

i just had a video conference with my psychiatrist and made another one for next month. he is adding buspar.

I'm glad you have both of them in your life too. I hope the Budapest helps.

Please try taking it easy. And keep reading

I missed you guys a lot.
love bizi

my psychiatrist said to watch only 5 minutes of news. i will watch an hour and read some things off the internet. before i started watching the news at 5 am. i finished another delightful book yesterday and will start a new one now.
fondly
bobby

Bobby,
I try to read a brief summary of the news on line.They send me a brief copy of the most important news. here is the link to the new york times:

<nytdirect@nytimes.com>




Good luck!
bizi

thanks so much. I have been napping. I hope it isn't because of buspar side effect..
love
bobby

Hi, Bobby! Thank you for those beautiful writings re: the Jewish teachings about God & the hereafter. I have always felt so much of that. I love God with all my heart & soul. And I love hearing beautiful discussion about our Creator & Creation, & how we love the idea of being with God. That's Heaven to me, being with God! But we are here on Earth for a while, & I guess we have to learn things. Anyway, I hope your bipolar symptoms dissipate & allow you to feel calm & happy. Have a wonderful weekend, Bobby! Hugs & love, WL

i didn't know whether or not to post those two writings. I am so glad you liked them. I miss suri so much. we used to have the greatest discussions and we always agreed that God was all. I just miss that inspiration so much! We always ended our conversations with I love you and be well. We never talked about death even when her cancer was spreading.
That is such a fantastic way of looking at heaven.
love and kisses
bobby

i had a flood from my terrace again. the plumbers came and snaked out the drain. they started construction on my terrace over six months ago and just started working on it again. the porter and handyman tried to remove most of the water in my room. the rugs are so wet. they left a large fan and dehumidifer (sp) on. i guess it will stay on til monday. when i tried to watch tv the fuse blew
the porter fixed that but no tv until after they remove the equipment. i was so worried about the electricity because i have power strips on the floor. it could have been so much worse. my stomach has been hurting since last night.

Bobby

I'm sorry you have the worse luck

Dinna

Oh Bobby what rotten luck!
sorry your tummy hurts today.
remember it will take some time for the buspar to work.


love sent your way that this new med works for you!
bizi

i am back on line. I am dizzy and my anxiety is through the roof. now my phone is finally working. I don't know what God is telling me. i wonder if I am too proud or else acknowledge that I am old and really need help. the workmen here are so nice and a lot of times i have to force them to take a tip.
I am on half dose of buspar in the morning and night and next week full dose in morning and night. i read it usually takes two weeks to start working.
love
batty bobby
my bipolar is so bad right now i am sort of frightened to talk to anyone.

Bobby

If you can't talk to anyone. Just come talk to us. That's what we're here for.
And if the workmen don't like taking tips it's probably because they feel This is their job. So don't worry about it. Or just tell them it makes you feel good if they do.

Donna

I'm so sorry so many bummer things keep happening Bobby! I hope everything turns around & gets easier for you soon. Hugs & love to you! :hug: :circlelove:

I agree with donna about the tipping, look at it as insurance. You are nice about it others probably don't offer. Maybe they are explicable like they would be punished if the bosses finds out about your tipping.
You are very generous.
Hope you are having a better day.
love bizi

I always have trouble sleeping. My nerves are totally shot. first the air conditioner problem, then the phone problem,then the flood and three rugs that need to be cleaned. I am terrified that the super will say they won't pay for the cleaning. then no power for phone, internet and when i turned on the tv another fuse blew so no tv.. somebody unplugged my router and i couldn't again use the internet and phone. somebody also turned off my speakers. eddie plugged in the router and i got back my phone and the internet. i was so greatful to him i insisted he take a tip. he was also the one to check to see if the main plug was in because he said this time it wasn't a fuse. somehow the plug was half out. i don't know why that suddenly happened.eddie came twice so i gave him two tips. i have been swearing so much and using the f word. i am so out of control. my ibs is worse now but i tried ginger supplements and they seem to help the nausea. i don't know what will help the bloating.
i still haven't gotten the signed lease and i have to take money out of my savings which frightens me. .i have been using the ac non stop and a lot of times with the fan. i refuse to take my blood pressure. i am on 2 pills for it but i am afraid it is now sky high. i am too terrified to take it.
pudge has been spending a lot of time with me.

I just called a rug cleaning service. somebody will come over and do an estimate.
I am shaking

i just called my brokerage and they will send me a check. I am glad I got that out of the way. I am still shaking and I am reading a delightful book.My stomach still hurts.