my foot feels better. i just bought something on ebay because i wanted a high. linda still hasn't gotten her pathology report. my favorite doorman is leaving. the building is having a part on the roof on monday. i will see if marci can help me to get up the four stairs. i read some psalms but they didn't help. i hate being bipolar.

did you mean a party? that sounds like fun!
maybe try the stairs a head of time?
love you
bizi

i have to wait til monday when marci is here and can help me. i also have to wait because my leg still hurts and i am hoping it will feel better by monday.
love
bobby

actually it won't be fun but rather sad . Jose is leaving and he is so wonderful and kind to me. Then i have only to two
more times with my rabbi who I speak to every friday. I will get another one but don't know how often I will speak to her. Then Aaron's wife is coming in june. i speak to him twice a week but when she comes i think he will be too busy so that will probably end. we have been doing this for almost a year. I am worried about Linda. she hasn't gotten her pathology report yet.
love
bobby

Bobby

I hope your knee is better by Monday and you make it down stairs
to say goodbye. And things.
I hope the new rabbi is as good as the one that you are getting
ready to say good bye too.

Love you

Donna

thank you so much.
love
bobby

I am so relieved. just spoke with Aaron and he said his Russian wife is flying in from Russia on June 3. They met in Germany when they attended the same school. I finally got up the nerve to say that he will be so busy that I would so understand he wouldn't have the time to keep on calling me. He said he really enjoys talking to me (he is 27 and in a couple of weeks i will be 77) and will want to keep on calling.

happy for you bobby that he will continue to call.

and happy early birthday!:Dancing-Chilli:
love you
bizi

thank you so much. i was s happy. then this morning I wished i were dead.
It always happens. when i get really happy. after a while i wish i were dead.
jose just loaded the cart and sent it up to me. i am going to miss him so much. i just gave him 20 dollars for loading and sending up the cart.
love
bobby

I am so glad he plans to keep talking to you.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

have you ever tried cognitive behavior therapy on your self?
I am not quite such of what it entails but CBT has helped alot of folks.
I am sorry that you wished you were dead.
love bizi

I really think it is chemical. right now. i have two therapists. when i get really happy i crash. i go to the other extreme.
yesterday i had a stomach ache all day. i read a book.
love
bobby

i am so sad that i won't see jose anymore. i can't walk up the four flights of stairs. i hardly see anybody. i guess it happens to a lot of older people without family and who lost friends. mix it with bipolar depression ugh

(((((((HUGS)))))))
love you bizi

robert came over to pick up some food for danny. he took a couple of pictures of pudge.he said don't hesitate to ask for help. joyce wanted to see her groomed.
i bought some more books. i am reading siddatha by hesse and just bought two more of his books. i bought four more gayle buck's books.

yesterday i fell again and hurt my other foot. it is so painful. i still have fast reflexes and the doorbell started ringing a lot so i thought it was an emergency.
i got off the chair too fast and took a bad fall. somebody was just bringing up a food delivery.. i got so f..king angry and i still feel rage. i called the doorman and said from now on call before somebody comes up. i told him i really
hurt myself.
my teeth finally started to stop hurting after the cleaning.
love
bobby

I am so sorry you fell again.
they kept ringing the door bell sigh
yes it sounded like an emergency.

Good of you to call the door man in
future for them to call you. I hope he
passes that info along to other door man.

I am glad that your teeth stopped hurting

after the cleaning that is good.
love

bizi

my teeth hurt today. my legs hurt today. i have to hold on to tables or walls to walk.. i feel beaten up. i forgot if i mentioned i am now allergic to aby. i keep on wondering if the vaccine had anything to do with this new development.
i decided i won't open the door if i don't get a call first from downstairs.
i forgot that my rage took away my depression lol
love
bobby

I thought your teeth stopped hurting you from this mornings post.I am sorry that they are still hurting you now.

i am so stressed out and depressed. yesterday my tooth bothered me most of the day. even though i just went to the dentist and had xrays i bet he is going to have to pull it and then give me new bottom dentures. it will cost a fortune. last time he charged me 300 dollars for a cleaning and xrays.
i woke up nauseated. i think it is my ibs. it has really been bothering me. i feel like a war zone. i took a bath and was terrified. because of my recent injury i was afraid i might not be able to get out.
i had trouble talking with aaron yesterday. i just didn't feel well. i will try to read a new book today the giver and maybe have something to say.
love
bobby

lately i keep on imaging my sister in her coffin and what she looks like now.
i told my therapist and he had no comment.
love
bobby

What were you hoping he would say?
love bizi

i don't know. it is very disturbing.
love
bobby

lately how often It is very disturbing dream/nitemere.
I am sorry that he did not respond. maybe you could write about it.In a journal.
Just write it all out and show how much you miss her, and other feelings that brings up, etc.
bizi

we never got along.
love
bobby

do you believe in dream therapy?

with the right therapist yes. i don't have the right therapist. yesterday my other therapist didn't call. rats.
i am really depressed. i had a very nice conversation with aaron but i struggle to figure out what to say. my life is so uninteresting and t don't want to bore him with my bipolar. he is a really deep thinker.
i called linda again and left a message saying that now i was worried.she finally called me back. no more cancer.
tomorrow is my birthday. i am going to be so lonely. what a black mood i am in.no future.
love
bobby

oh bobby, happy early birthday!!!!!!
love bizi

thank you so much. i decided i am going to run the ac most of the time and probably spend at least 250 a month extra. i bought a lot of goodies for my birthday like rocky road ice cream, whipped cream, lime pie and cherry pie. i hope i have a little of each and throw out most of it. my ibs-c is really bad.
my stomach hurt all night. but now i am not that allergic to aby.
i am not getting on the scale.
love
bobby

Now it is officially your birthday.
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to you!
:boy(music)::Painter::popcom::Popcorn::You-Rock::Birthday::pepsi::partytime2::Starvin::Dancin g-Chilli:

thank you so much.
love
bobby

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thank you so much
love
bobby

your welcome! love,
bizi

finally my depression went away.
love
bobby

Happy Belated Birthday. I'm glad your going to run your AC.

Keep it on. Its necessary in the heat.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

i got it.
love
bobby

hi donna,
i have to be very careful of my spending. i have no family and my ss is low and my health bills are high i am eating into my savings. i don't know how long i will live. it is a very scary situation. i don't know what you would if you were in my situation. i also have to pay for expensive cabs when i go to the doctors and dentist.
fondly
bobby

had a great session with my therapist yesterday. told him that stupid people got me angry. he said he agreed. the other day he saw somebody spitting on the sidewalk. we talked about preparing for death. i hope i am buried orthodox. we finally connected. we shared something private that hurt both of us. i didn't feel alone. had a great discussion with aaron. he is so bright. i think it is hopeless to deal with my bipolar with all is ups and downs.
love
bobby

I am so glad that you had a great session with your therapist!!!!!!!
bizi