Still doing groups at mh centre ,when i get up on time. My sleep pattern is askew ie 3-5 am bed and 10-1 pm wake up.
Saw pdoc(yet another new one) for first time in over a year. He's put me back on olanzapine at very low dose ie 2.5mgs after running through with me what meds i have previously been on. Said he wouldn't put me on AD because of risk of affecting my moods though i'm supposedly not bipolar anymore.These pdocs can be contradictory at the best of times.
Am also going to local drop in centre run by mh charity on a voluntary/
as and when i want to basis.

MH wise- pretty much the same as ever ie anxiety/paranoia/irritability/depression with the occasional derealisation and emotionally over worked up rant and rave complete with temporary accute brain
fart aka cognitive meltdown,feeling too much or too little and of course the usual reactive stuff i'm prone to.

Going through lot of guilt feelings or let's just say they are more to the surface because they are always lurking in the background.
Currently going through bad guilt feelings because i didn't always cope a well as i would have liked/should have with Brenda .

Not suicidal -only because i'm too scared but if truth be told i long for death.
Routine is basically kaput just stumble from one day to the next.
'It's survival but not as we know it Jim' .

Basically i'm still the same useless/screwed up person i've always been.

Hope this place stays as i'm not sure how long it will be before Adolf Lester
and his gang of equally intolerant and low IQED gestapo find out i am around
on the other BT.
Selfishness/sycophancy/ and stupidity are imminently preferable to the likes of A L than a dysfunctionoid like myself who does his best to be helpful but has got a low freakout threshold.



.

Dear Dysl,
The drop in center sounds like it can be good. We don't have them in the US with a few exceptions.
Does the Olanzapine help? Maybe with sleep?

I really sorry that you feel guilt. I wish you had a good counselor to help you. I wish for lots of things.


Mari

I hope the group's are helping, and the new p-doc too. You sound like you are on the right track to getting better, baby steps, go easy on yourself, take time for yourself too.

Wishing you the best, Hugs, Nikko

TIM!!!!!!!! I have missed you so much, Tim. I am so glad you are here. This is a special place, Tim. Wittesea and HannahBanana are both moderators. And each forum has its own group of named mods. And ZombieSlayer has asked WHAT WE ARE LIKE and what we needed him to know about this very special forum - OUR home. And our home was not home until you were here, Tim. I am crying. Crying for you (for your struggles, your fears, all the thoughts and feelings about Brenda and her death..). And crying for me, too. (it has been so long and so lonely)

I became so depressed as the years went by and I came to see that no matter HOW much you grew and changed and became such a wonderful integral important part of the forum ... that the powers that be were never ever going to stop banning you, over and over and over again, just because of the fact you existed and kept coming back. Coming back because you needed us as much as we needed you. You helped us all get in touch with our deepest roots of humanity and love. You kept us continually aware that medical research was something we could not ignore, something we had to incorporate into our understanding of our disorder.

Ah Tim ... I, like you, keep going topsy turvy in my sleep patterns. Either up at 7 or 8 ... or sleeping til noon or shortly after. You are getting out so much (compared to me. I am more the recluse than ever before. I have lost so much ability to take care of myself that I finally swallowed my pride and asked to be assessed for someone to come in everyday and help me. Thank goodness it is available and I was immediately approved.

My parents are worse than ever in how they treat me, but I don't care anymore. I feel secure in myself. I don't hurt because I finally realize, all the way thru, how sick they truly are, what a distorted world their collaborative minds live in. It has NO relationship to reality.

If I had a therapist, a counselor, a group of any kind - anyone who I could be connected to throughout the year. But those things aren't covered under Medicaid here. And I get those 5 minutes of a very few rapid fire questions and the scribbling of prescriptions. Then a new appointment made then out the door. At least you have more than just the pill appointments. I am envious of you.

Next time I go in, I'm going to ask about whether he would give me prescription for the strongest drug there is -- a pet. A psychiatric service pet. A dog to get me out more often than every week or two. They have to allow them if your doctor says you need one to help you function better.

I still have the picture of your two kittens playing together. If you don't have them any longer, I will mail them to you. I saved them so I could look at them and remember you. I'm glad you are no longer just someone in my past, in my thoughts and memories.

I still have hopes of becoming something someday, but I increasingly feel that it will never happen. I have no one to share holidays with, no one to cook for, no one. I am useless, totally useless it seems. And my aloneness is not good for me. I don't feel sorry for myself often and generally have a tranquil positive mood (and no, it's not cannabis!!! )

But, Tim, just having you here makes this bipolar forum complete for me. The precious core of bipolar is all here and I feel like I am sinking into a deep feather mattress with the sweet smell of lavender, and it's Friday and I think I think we need some pixie dust deliveries of wishes - if it's not too late. My wish is to be close enough to you where we could go for some fish and chips, and sit and talk. I looked up the town where you live one night.

I agree with all that you said about the old place. You are absolutely right about all that you have said. I only arrived here 48 hours ago or so, and I read a few threads from the last couple weeks, and I started adding to those thoughts so close to mine, expressing all my upset and anger - and there was so much anger. And almost immediately, I got an email from a mod. Asking me if I could tone it down. That it would upset people. And other posters (not the mods) posted that what I had to say was all "old news" and no one wanted to hear it anymore.

And it was so DARNED UNFAIR. All these other people who had been here for weeks - THEY had been able to process out all their own anger and fears and upsets and sense of injustice --- but -I- was to be denied my OWN deprogrammnig JUST BECAUSE I ARRIVED "TOO LATE". UNFAIR UNFAIR UNFAIR!! They got to do it, why not me? Didn't I count? Didn't MY FEELINGS matter too? Did only THEIR feelings matter?

I suggested that they create a new forum call Kevetch & Whine (since that was how my own feelings were seen by those who responded to my first posts ....) But receiving only kind and understanding PMs from mods was such an astonishment, it was nice and kind and HUMAN. And already the startling experience of being treated like I was a real person.. and Curious was so wonderful, understanding where I was coming from... understanding that I needed my own outlet, my own time, my own needs to voice what I had to voice...

But I was still without a voice... but I read more here... and I went back over to the old place (and found my brand new registration already banned - without my ever posting once) and I listening to those posting in forum feedback, all frustrated, confused and angry.. AND SCARED. Intimidated. Because they all know how that world works. They are being watched by the Numbers, and they KNOW that even if they aren't banned now, that they will be remembered and they realize that their days might very well now be numbered.

And when I saw the camps and the guards, and remembered the ghettos and the pogams, the trains and the ovens, and my soul sickened so... And then, when I came back again, leaving behind the Gestapo and all that hopelessness -- and I once again read, and I found my own catharsis facilitated by knowing I would never have to return there again.... and I found my own peace.

Pardon me for running and on... but I am still so overwhelmed at your being her.

With loving caring and many fond memories...
Theresa

Thank you, OneMoreTime,

You speak well.
Mari

Tim and Theresa, and all . . . we are glad you are here.

We hope that it feels like home more each day.

Cherie