Still doing groups at mh centre ,when i get up on time. My sleep pattern is askew ie 3-5 am bed and 10-1 pm wake up.
Saw pdoc(yet another new one) for first time in over a year. He's put me back on olanzapine at very low dose ie 2.5mgs after running through with me what meds i have previously been on. Said he wouldn't put me on AD because of risk of affecting my moods though i'm supposedly not bipolar anymore.These pdocs can be contradictory at the best of times.
Am also going to local drop in centre run by mh charity on a voluntary/
as and when i want to basis.

MH wise- pretty much the same as ever ie anxiety/paranoia/irritability/depression with the occasional derealisation and emotionally over worked up rant and rave complete with temporary accute brain
fart aka cognitive meltdown,feeling too much or too little and of course the usual reactive stuff i'm prone to.

Going through lot of guilt feelings or let's just say they are more to the surface because they are always lurking in the background.
Currently going through bad guilt feelings because i didn't always cope a well as i would have liked/should have with Brenda .

Not suicidal -only because i'm too scared but if truth be told i long for death.
Routine is basically kaput just stumble from one day to the next.
'It's survival but not as we know it Jim' .

Basically i'm still the same useless/screwed up person i've always been.

Hope this place stays as i'm not sure how long it will be before Adolf Lester
and his gang of equally intolerant and low IQED gestapo find out i am around
on the other BT.
Selfishness/sycophancy/ and stupidity are imminently preferable to the likes of A L than a dysfunctionoid like myself who does his best to be helpful but has got a low freakout threshold.



.