Hello Friends,

My sister told me tonight that she found out tonight that my mother had a complete hysterectomy sometime last week. Mom and Dad didn't tell anyone.

My sister lives across the street from them on a cul de sac. When she and her husband went to see Mom and Dad for the usual dinner on Sunday my sis noticed a few things were different (Dad buying take out barb b que, Mom using the dishwasher..) but didn't figure out that Mom had had major surgery a few days before. And Mom and Dad didn't tell her.

I telephoned Mom an hour after I heard. I'm still not clear on details but she said that drs. found a 10 cm cyst on one of her ovaries. The surgeon took everything out. Mom spent one night in the local small town hospital. She is 66.

I've been in contact with her during this time via phone. We talked about the Astros and drug rumors, the smells in my apt, the Yankee/Detroit game...but not her surgery and what she is going through.


OK. My point in telling you this is that she is serious when she says that she doesn't understand people making a fuss about their health. I'm figuring out that she is not the sharing type.

I'm not sure who is weirder: (1) my mom for wanting to keep major surgery a secret from her two sisters, four brothers, four children.....or (2) me for talking about my health here on the forum and to other folks.

I can see more clearly now why I had a horrible horrible visit with them in July. I clashed so badly with my dad that I decided I might not visit and stay with them again. Next time it will be an overnight in an hotel.

Thanks for letting me talk about this
Mari

I'm just guessing here...

She's not telling you because she doesn't want you to worry about her. She would rather you concentrate on your health and believe she's fine.

Also her generation didn't talk about illnesses very often. It was socially correct to keep health issues private. At least that's how my grandparents were and my parents are that way too.

I am like your mom. I don't like to talk about my health and only see a doc if it's serious. I would rather help others with whatever I can then talk about myself....just feels odd doing that.

Dear ZS,
My sister and I have reminded her that health stuff can be genetic.

My mom told me tonight that she mostly didn't want her oldest sister (who is a nurse) or her twin brother (who sees alternative drs) to nag her about the surgeon's credentials, about advice, about stuff to worry about.

My sister was upset/angry/worked up on the phone tonight. She says that if she ends up taking care of one or both of them, they are going to have to learn to communicate better. I told her that they might not change. And we don't know what the future holds anyway.

Mari

Good morning .
WE are all individuals/adults and get to do what we want/need to do.
Somehow she decided not to share this important bit of information with you and she is probably scared to death that it will show up cancerous.
Not sure how long that takes to find out or not...I could be totally off on that.
It is good that you figured it out and now perhaps you could hand write a note explaining how much you love her and that you wish that she could trust you with information....that is what families are for. perhaps that you are hurt that she did not share this with you.
I would be hurt.....feel let out...it is her body her choices though...some how ya have to accept that...you may not like it...
(((HUGS)))
bizi

Mari,

I have 2 sets of parents (mom and step-dad + dad and step mom) and then I have my in-laws as well.

My mother is a talker about health stuff, but only afterwards. She will tell us about any problems/concerns only after they are cured or fixed. My step-dad doesn't talk at all, he doesn't even tell my mom about anything health related.

My step-mom and my dad are both more like me. They talk about it as soon as they notice it, keep us updated about it, ask our opinions, etc..

My in-laws will talk about health stuff only if we ask. They don't want to "bother us" or "worry us" with their problems, but if we ask then they will talk about it a bit, but we have to ask the right questions.


Everyone is so different when it comes to talking about personal stuff - whether it be health-related or work-related or about their relationships, etc...

I hope your mom is recovering well from her surgery.

Liz

Hi,
In July, I visited them with hubby for 3 nights after not seeing them for 18 months. The visit was horrible....so horrible that I cannot go back to visit.

I realized again last night that they can't deal with my health issues and won't ever deal with them. They don't want to make accomodations or acknowledgments for themselves or anyone else. Even small things like buying soy milk for hubby's breakfast bugged them because they "have food in the house." And this is not true because mom is anorexic and keeps no food in the house --- except for the big freezer which holds some things that Dad caught while hunting.....

My hypnotherapist left a message today. She wants us to start back on another round of visits. Maybe I should return her call. The therapist asks me things like "what are you supposed to learn from this." I have to see my pdoc and my gyn first -- only so many ways to fit in drs during a work week. Oh and the dentist has been out of town so he canceled a check up I had a few weeks ago.

My mother knew she did not have cancer well before the surgery. And if she had spoken to anyone in the world besides the small town surgeon and her husband, she might not have chosen to have everything removed: less recovery time, less pain, and less money for the surgeon. This is the part that makes my sis the most angry. I told her that she will have to let this go. She also worries about how she will take care of them in the future if they don't like to communicate.

Mom seems to be recovering well. Thank you.

Being from the old school for some things is good, keeping some health matters private is understandable, my daughters keep thiers from me and I from them. They know if I find they are sick I will be there in less than 3 hours and they do the same. My mother is so old school she used to believe the doctors and staff were always right, boy has she been fooled, now my sister or I go on all her appointments and ask questions. We have learned to be sure to hand carry all charts and xrays and get a reciept for them. This only helps, it doesn't stop them from being incompetent, recently she was told the night before she must have blood work for a test that was to be held the next morning, of course the results wouldn't be ready. She has been given the wrong results,the wrong medicine and because she is elderly, people act like she is not there and incapable of making any of her own decisions and she can. If you can possibly do, keep relatives out of nursing homes, and plan on being there until they are sent home.

My father is like that too, Mari. Drives me insane. I have some of the same thoughts as your sister. How in the heck am I supposed to care for him as he gets older if there is no communication? Freaking stuborn old soldier. The old Lt. Col. was trained to never complain and suck it up. So, being a good soldier, he does so. Which is now a problem. His health is a big issue lately and he won't say a word until it's really bad.

I feel for ya love. I wish I had an answer, but I am sorta where you are. Slightly angry and really at a loss of what to do.

I guess it is partly an old school thing.

My dad is ex-military too. He had to have a physical every year. So he only thought about drs once a year.

I'm unhappy becuase I see them again as caught behind their fears and uptightness (new word!). It was hard growing up in that house.

I'm still working on re-growing myself up.
Mari

Dear Mari,
Good luck in this journey...for that is what we must learn to enjoy...
For all we really have is today...right now.
hope that doesn't sound too cliche....
bizi