well i'm feeling pretty blunt and for however wrong i might be i'm going to voice my not so humble-feeling opinion perhaps because i am both sad and angry for you BJ...

I say don't chase her down. She DELETED you as a contact... and from the information you have you know it was not an accident, right? I don't see how contacting her a different way will receive a huge welcome from this person.

If she wants to re-establish contact, I say leave it to her. But if she tries... don't let her get away with this "episode" ... if she wants to work things out... that magic word MrsD mentioned ... WORK yes, if she wan'ts to WORK things out with you... then, at that point, decide if its worth risking this pain again... decide if YOU want to work things out with her.

But I feel SHE should be the one to approach you, and then WORK to fix things if indeed there were some extenuating circumstance.

BJ, I may be wrong but i am all a bundle of writhing feelings these days so add to my words a sprinkle of moodstabilizer that i'm not on rofl...

I'm sorry i just don't see taking more initiative with her... i think it will just bring more pain, uncertainty.... anything and everything but closure!

Can YOU take the fact that she deleted you as CLOSURE, right there, for yourself?

Do you know that every time i type that word - deleted (you) - it feels like a punch in the stomach to me, on your behalf?

Ok i'm revving here lemme put it to you down and dirty, real dirty and if a mod wants to delete it so be it. Ok i'll use a cleaner word, same meaning tho:

SCREW HER!!!
Is that blunt enough for everyone???

~ waves ~ from across the ocean (which is full of plenty other fish too!)

Two kinds of letters - one asking, one saying.

If you sent an asking letter... you would be "hanging on" waiting for one back, no? what would be the time limit? any? because if you didn't hear back, then how would you know:

-- if she got the letter at all
-- if she got it but trashed it without reading
-- if she got it, read it and chose not to respond
-- if she got it, read it, and did respond, but you didn't get her reply
-- and probably many other cosmic ifs such as when our National Geographic subscription arrived 3 months late after going through about 7 countries around the globe with the postal marks and annotations to prove it.

The useful aspect i see of you writing a letter would be the kind of letter - a "saying" letter - where you acknowledge her rejection of you, perhaps even voice your hurt... after all it is she who tango'd with you right... and say that you accept that the relationship is over. THat would be closure. because if you did that, you would be making the end of the relationship overt.

And whether or not she ever got the letter, it being a statement letter, only confirming her own actions, would not so much matter. it might however help you find closure in your mind, that i could see.

BJ, you know, you could even write a letter to her to explore your feelings - without mailing it. Then if you decide that you want to do one of the above, you can write the "real" version, and mail it.

But first, read Mrs. D's links.

((((((((((( BJ ))))))))))))

~ waves ~

I will say Jo is obviously a very nice person and we are lucky to have
her here! She is giving the benefit of the doubt.

Once some time has passed, me_BP?, I think the fact that this internet acquaintance was taking from you will become
more memorable than it is now. I see in your post, that YOU arranged to be there for HER when it was not so convenient for YOU. That is a big warning sign, then the expensive phone call, and your mentioning your desire to visit...all would spark fear in the heart of someone who is a manipulator and liar.

The bottom line? You will discover you were there for HER more than she was for you. She is probably a "taker". The friendship book I suggested has a chapter on internet friends. Also a long list of "types" who ruin true opportunities for real friendship. I was amazed at how many destructive types there are. There are people out there, who do not know how to create a real friendship. Your Aussie person may be one of them.
This book has quotes from all types of people who have been dissed... I found it very comforting.
Narcissistic people don't have empathy, so they do not care how YOU feel.
And when they are at their worst they consider feeling people to be weak and sappy.

So I say, move on. And I don't think you should try to contact her. You gave yourself to this relationship, and you should be proud of that, and not second guessing yourself. Narcissists are good at placing blame on YOU. (when it is not deserved).
Set aside a small block of time each day to mull this over until you feel settled. And don't let her intrude into the other times of your day, and "win".

There is a forum about Narcissists. Type in narcissist forum into Google and it is the first entry.

Dear Me BP?,

An acquaintance of mine told me a similar story last Saturday regarding a nine-day trip to Europe that she had just made with a "friend". The two women had previously gone to Mexico together and had a good time. In Europe, however, three days into the trip, it became apparent that the other woman had developed an antipathy towards my acquaintance. Everything was pre-booked, so she spent six more days seeing the sights of Spain and Paris with a woman who now hated her! Talk about a nightmare.

Let me know you have read my posts, BP....

I'd like to edit them before the edit function closes. For privacy's sake.

(mrsd ...send me a pm if that happens ok?)

Thanks for replying and offering advice. I'm hurting terribly inside right now. I've been sitting here trying to think what to do, how can I make it better, what did I do wrong. I know when we first started to PM each other it was like we clicked right away. Our friendship grew stronger and stronger and we were always there for each other. I just wish she would have told me she was busy and I would have understood. But to delete me, that's what hurts. She could have just blocked me or made it appear offline if she didn't want to chat. I do it sometimes if I only want to talk to one person.

Bizi I'm not going to waste money mailing her. It would just drag it on longer and since she lives in Australia the wait would be horrendous, let alone the postage. I sent her a Build-A-Bear for Christmas. It was a koala bear, because she lives in Australia, and I put little jeans on him, a tropical shirt, sunglasses and little sandals. I felt like an idiot at the store kissing the little heart before they stuff it in him but I felt it was important so I did it. I only paid $47 for the bear but it cost $68 to mail it there.

I've been clicking on her name on IM but I just can't delete her. I know I should just let this go but that's not what friends do. No rhyme or reason to this. But in reading some of what was said here I do see one thing. She was always going to come to the states and we were going to CO but she was having a hard time selling her house. The last sincere email said that she would have to put off coming here for a while because they don't know if they'll sell or renovate. But again, why delete me?

Mrs. D I've bookmarked those sites and I'll check into them. Thanks for the info.

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))
bizi

I am glad we got to talk. I have been busy lately with a friend of mine and her antique shop and my kids are moving 5 blocks from me so I have been going down and helping them get their house ready to move in. Mostly I watch when it comes to painting. I get more paint on me then I get on the walls. Bill got to where he never asked me to paint anything. One way to get out of work, huh? LOL He wouldn't let me help load a truck either. I threw everything on, he placed it nice and neat.

As far as your friend. I have found on this internet thing that there is a difference between on line friends and friends in real life. We can't see each other so we don't get to spend enough personal time with each other to know each other.

You story reminds me of mine with one from the TOS forum. We were friends for about 6 years. She was in Denver when I had my TOS surgery and came to see me in the hospital. We talked all of the time on the phone. At least once a week. All of a sudden, I quit hearing from her at all. She actually went off of the forum too. Some people move on and are able to go back to work, or have big family issues that they tend to deal with a lot and can't think outside the range of them. Some finally too get to thinking they need to get out in the real world instead of just living on the internet. I stayed off for about 2 years when Bill got real sick. I never did find out why this woman quit calling me or emailing me. It bothered me for the longest time but what I feel is that it's them and not me. I am open to friendships and stay that way. When I notice someone acting funny and wanting to back away from me though, I back away and leave them alone now. I feel it's there problem and not mine.

I have a friend from the RSD forum that I dearly love and we have never met. She called me around Christmas and calls me in the hospital when I am in there for surgeries. She called me all of the time when Bill was in the hospital before he passed to help me. I believe she is a type person like I feel I am that is the same everytime you meet or talk to each other. Friends are people who even if they don't see or hear from each other for years they meet and act the same as if they see each other everyday.

As time goes on you will feel less hurt but I do know it takes time. Just remember it's her loss, not yours.

We'll talk again soon.

Ada

Dear Me BP?,

I do not know how applicable this is to the person in Australia, but I recently read that psychopaths outnumber bipolars in the population. Considering their shared symptomatology, psychopaths sound like narcissists to the max. Whatever use your "friend" found in your relationship, it is evidently irrelevant to her now. Think yourself lucky that it ended now rather than after you had invested even more emotionally.