I just don't understand people sometimes and I'm finding this one so hard. I met someone in September of 2003 at a forum for people with back problems. She lives in Tasmania, Australia and we hit it off right away. We spent many many hours on IM talking at odd hours because she lives in Australia and there's a 14 hr time difference. She has problems with her DH and family and I even called her last year on Christmas Eve and it cost me $95 for 15 minutes. We had dreams of meeting one day. I was going to visit her in Australia and we were going to the Outback, the Great Barrier Reef and to the Sydney Opera House. And I was going to get to see a real tasmanian devil. She was going to come here and we were going to "go to the snow" like she says it. We were going to Colorado and sit in the ski lodge and drink hot drinks.

But I noticed she's been distancing herself since before Christmas. I finally got the nerve to write and ask if everything was okay between us. It took 2 weeks but she finally replied last night and said she was too busy and had no time to keep this friendship going. I tried to email her back and through someone else I found out she deleted me as a contact. Just like that, throw out 4 years like yesterdays trash.

I called Ada, Dreambeliever, last night and we talked about it but it still hurts. You have no idea how many ecards we sent each other, how we talked and talked about problems and how we just acted silly sometimes on IM with our virtual vacations. I never in my wildest dreams could believe that she would just push me away and delete me no less. Instinctively, as soon as I powered up my computer this morning, or last night, they tend to run together, I went to IM to see if she's there. But she'll never be there because I've been deleted. I tried to delete her from IM since I know she's deleted me but I can't get my fingers to push that button. Friends don't do this sort of thing but I guess I'm not her friend anymore and I have no idea what I've done to her.

Ada thanks so much for listening to my blubbering last night. It was nice chatting with you and I hope we can do it again soon.

BP,

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you. I can't understand why your friend would do such a thing.

befuddled2

with this has taught me this:

Some people get internal payoffs during the infatuation phase of any relationship. There is an energy or excitement when you click with a new made friend. When this happens, there are increased levels of certain neurotransmitters that reinforce the relationship.

Some people get hooked on this rush feeling. As time passes, then real commitment begins which is usually less exciting and starts to require WORK.
Superficial people get bored when this starts, and move on.
This can be seen very easily in young people. Middle school/high school.
And many outgrow the need for excitement.

But narcissistic people never do. While it is painful to run into these types,
over time it is best when they "leave"...you are spared much future pain, IMO.


http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/

This link is written clearly, and easy to understand., it explains narcissistic behavior in everyday
events.

There is another really good book called:
When Friendships Hurt.
http://www.whenfriendshiphurts.com/
This is just excellent, really. And not expensive in paperback.

I am always amazed at what I haven't learned YET...and I am over 60!

I personally think you just avoided a serious painful future. Read these two sources and see if that fits. You shouldn't blame yourself!

It's sad she couldn't /wouldn't be more upfront as to her time & energies before it got to the all or nothing stage.
Maybe for some reason the friendship, time, internet came down to a choice for her and she had to make that choice...

Something in her life must have changed or caused her to make a change - who really knows - and maybe in time she will contact you and explain more.
Some people get kind of addicted to IM friends and at some point they have to stop cold turkey..

I am sorry this happened too. But you have to remember something could of happened in her life, that she just doesn't want to talk about, or has to deal with by herself, or the distance of the friendship is too much for her and she just can't make the trips you talked of.

In the long run, I think you are better off. As they say some people come into your life for a reason, season or a lifetime.

I would just let it go, don't try to analyze it or figure out why, it will only make you more upset, and your mind will wander off thinking all sorts of reasons, when really you will never know.

Nikko

Could you send her snail mail and see if you can get a reply from that?

losing a friend is hard especially when you were so close to her.

You are a sensitive woman and I know that you are hurt.

I am sorry for this.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Dear BJ,

I'm sorry this happened to you... as if you need any more pain right now

still, when i first read your post BJ, this exact thought came to my mind also :
Perhaps yours and her season, or reason, is over.

Couldn't have said it better myself! I guess Nikko and I are totally sync'd here.

Now, the way things went... the way she pushed you away... the WAY it was done... suxxxxxxx. i am not going to try to blame or justify her - no judgement of her is useful, methinks. but if this is her idea of a relationship, or even ending a relationship...

she doesn't deserve you...

...YOU don't deserve this treatment!

and don't you forget it!!!

~ waves ~

p.s. i had pinball machine lights flashing in my head when i scanned i can't read right i go too fast i scan now... when i saw in mrs d's post the word NARCISSIST... there are some ppl that just take and take and take... but they often charismatic, charming, even supportive... if, but only until, doing so is GRATIFYING TO THEM. Behind the scenes they are often manipulative... i'll shut up now... i hear my own hurt coming out from my own dealings with a narcissist... so i wouldn't want to be projecting here... One thing - it is not their fault, they don't know any better, but they leave a trail of heartbreak behind. not saying your em, person, is one... but narcissists are amongst the most toxic ppl to have any sort of relationship with. read the links and see if this woman "fits the bill."

Dear Me BP?,

I do not know how applicable this is to the person in Australia, but I recently read that psychopaths outnumber bipolars in the population. Considering their shared symptomatology, psychopaths sound like narcissists to the max. Whatever use your "friend" found in your relationship, it is evidently irrelevant to her now. Think yourself lucky that it ended now rather than after you had invested even more emotionally.

current estimates of sociopathy/psychopathy is 1 in 25. or 4 in 100 persons.

Narcissists differ from sociopaths slightly. Narcissists may have a conscience.
or what resembles one.

However most sociopaths are narcissists too. They share the trait of not having empathy, but all sociopaths lack conscience and remorse. There have been studies done with PET brain scans and sociopathy.
Sociopaths do not react the same way to emotional words like love, hug, cry.
Normals light up differently to emotional words.
Sociopaths and normals light up the same way for book, door, etc.
So new thought is that empathy cannot be learned. Narcissists and sociopaths do learn how to MIMIC feelings and they do this to con you. They are very good mimics and actors, but in the end, they are usually found out.
It is best to understand them, so you don't get really deeply hurt. Both sociopaths and narcissists do not feel love the same way as normals, if at all.

There is a very good book (I know I read alot) about this subject:
The Sociopath Next Door.
http://www.bookbrowse.com/reviews/in...ok_number=1530
Gives very chilling examples.

The word sociopath brings to mind criminals. A certain number of sociopaths become either white collar or violent offenders. But many are neighbors, coworkers, friends. These are the ones who steal other wives/husbands from their friends, make up stories about people/gossip bully etc. There are many types and degrees. Just like the label Bipolar is misused, so is the word sociopath.

I don't know what she is or what she's become but I'm so upset about this.

I made a big mistake. I'm trying to figure out what has happened so I went to the forum and posted just that some have deleted me and I don't know why. What have I done? I titled it "I need to say something".

That's all I said and this is the reply I got......

Doh, BJ!You all know just what a bad taste messages like this leave in everyone's mouths! You know these bombshells just drop like unleavened bread.... Well, I can't think of anything clever.... and I'm so far away.... Anyway...

If you're hoping to get any responses to this, this one is probably the only one you'll get, because except on TBR when we were pushed to the limits.... nobody in his right mind replies to stuff like this! Just wanted to say that to you....

And the next reply was "Don't reply to this".

I know it was stupid of me but I'm just looking to see what went wrong. How could one day everything be fine and the next I'm turning my back so go away? I can't shut off friendships like a faucet. I wrote a long PM to her thinking I could contact her that way but after I saw this I didn't bother.

I just don't know what I've done.