Was asked whether i self harmed.Question arose from my saying
how i'd thought about taking all my pills amongst other irrational thoughts when i flooded the bathroom.
I'd felt wary about saying much because the rest of the group were quite upbeat and thought 'oh s**t and now i'm going to be a party pooper'

Found it hard to answer in the affirmative or negative.When i think of 'self harming' i tend to think of cutting
which i last did back in the first few years after first being admitted(still have the scars -30 odd years later) and i feel like things like banging my head against the wall(quite literally)to release tension from time to time and digging things into myself/biting myself/don't really count.

To me it's like insulting and trivialising people who have genuine and major problems in this area.


It's kind of like being asked whether you suffer from depression and have problems and you think to yourself 'my biggest problem is that i am
a dysfunctional, whingeing, attention seeking,no good, insecure bastard.look at all the people out there with real problems'

Also mentioned i was having problems remembering to take my medication.It never ceases to amaze me how i can remember something like
people i met in hospital for a few weeks 30 odd years ago or
which group sang the original version of a song
and yet remembering to take meds or do everyday things can so easily slip my mind.

My mind is a contrary creature. Some days i have no problems thinking and yet other days i'm overloaded with empty thoughts going nowhere.

((((((Tim)))))),



GoodNESS, Tim, you got anything NICE to say about yourself??

I know what that FEELS LIKE. I've spent the better part of my life feeling like that. But, I don't say it anymore.

You don't see -- you really don't see -- what everyone else does, do you!!??

You are just like everyone else on the planet -- sometimes you do things right, sometimes you do things wrong. You're an incredibly caring person. You're helpful and supportive in your own way -- I found that stuff that you posted the other day about BPD helpful. I was saddled with that BPD diagnosis years-and-years ago (talk about kicking someone in the bee-hind).

I think they should LOSE that diagnosis. It's not really helpful to tell someone that there's something wrong with their personality.

I've finally figured out through all my grand and glorious "history" (what an insignificant word) that I don't know how to do some stuff because i was never taught how to do it. Some things hurt like hell because they happened too early in my life and I wasn't prepared and I wasn't supported.

That's why people like you and me are fragile in some areas. Because we weren't taught. Because we've had to "go through" (experience) things that we shouldn't have had to. And because we've had to go through 'things' just on sheer guts because our support systems stink sometimes.

That DOES NOT MEAN that there's anything inherently wrong with either of us.

Did I ever tell you about the time I deleted the only copy of FIVE YEARS worth of long-range plans for a Fortune 500 company when I was just starting out on my business career I think I'll keep the details of that one to myself BUT, the fact is I did not get fired because of it and I learned from that experience.

You don't take a beautiful, fragile glass figurine and keep bashing it against the wall hoping it'll "get smart" -- you treat it like the rare, beautiful treasure that it is (that you are, that I am).

Please, Tim, try not to be so hard on yourself. Try to treat yourself the way that you would your best friend. Try not to be so self-critical. All of us here know what a blessing you are -- I want you to be able to see that for yourself -- and BELIEVE IT.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

Barb has good words, good advice, good observations.

by the way, what the behaviours do "count" as self harm, even if other people may have more problems in this area. do not diminish your own troubles because you think others have it worse. some do, but does that make it any easier on you? no....

i can't add any more to what Barb said i thought she covered a lot.

so glad you are in group therapy right now. i hope it helps some.

hugs

~ waves ~

Tim ...

All those things that Moose said???

They are the things I've always felt about you and for you...

I just didn't know how to say them like Moose did.

Thank you, Moose, for your big heart and perceptive soul.
-Theresa

Tim, I can remember everything under the sun some days, EXCEPT to take my meds, or what I just did a second ago, or what I was about to do.... Sometimes I can mentally back-track, but sometimes it adds up and I begin walking in a fog. If you mean by "thoughts going nowhere", that you think things into a corner, I do that too. I try to fix everything- NOW. Never works. But try telling that to my manic side.