Oh, the beach I miss, living in the southwest, I have the pool, and the mountains are beautiful. I sure don't miss those New England winters.

The holidays will be tough, I have some crappy memories of them, especially my big S episode one year between Xmas and New Years . Actually my last birthday (not this week one) last year I had another big S episode. My mom was so sick for a year on my birthday last year it hit me hard, she was on her death bed. This year my birthday I cruised through and made the best of it.

Halloween was my husbands decorating thing and all. Thanksgiving my mom and I are invited to my friends house here in the complex. Xmas, well I like Xmas Eve most, I don't know how I will handle that or NY eve. Maybe volunteer in a homeless shelter, I've been thinking about that for Xmas day.

My mom has no problem cooking a roast or making lasagna, she can't do a lot, if I was to volunteer, but then I would come home to dinner with her.

We aren't doing gifts, financially we can't. Unless, I do things like calendars from the southwest or knick knacks to send from here. I did order some real cute Xmas cards from the Humane Society to send out.

I keep dreaming about my mean husband, but in the dreams he isn't mean. Ya know it is hard to just shut off feelings, no matter what the situation, but I know it will pass, because I will never go back to him, he had his 2nd chance and blew it with me.

It's Friday morning at 6am, got up per usual at 5am made a pot of coffee.
Doggies have been out and had there biscuits, playing with there toys now.

Cockateils don't wake up until the sun comes up. My bunnies are so cute since I put them in the same cage, they cuddle so cutely. They love being together, I thought they would fight, but no.

I am all set for Monday, his prior's records from back East, my medical records, him not reporting to jury duty card. His mail that he was supposed to change his address with the post office. His breaking the Order of Protection by picking up his things outside 2 or 3 times. He is off the lease of our rental home, and will be served with my Order prior to going into court. Thank God, I have a court advocate that can talk for me if I feel I can't. I did my homework with the help of my p-doc and my domestic counsler case manager.

As far as reading, I have been reading a lot of magazines. I love to read James Patterson books, need to try and concentrate and get into one of his new books, I am way behind on reading his books that I love.

Looks like only Sunday will be a pool day, tomorrow is going to be cloudy and some rain, but in the SW that could mean for the morning only or a few hours.

I'll be okay, I have no choice, I made it through this far and last year with my mom being so ill for a year. Yesterday just blew my mind in the store seeing the decorations.

I rested most of yesterday. I really need to do laundry this morning, then my mom and I have to deal with her tire and switch my new tires to her car, cause next week they will come for my car.

Dealing with a sinus headache pain and pressure, hope I am not getting a sinus infection or sick. That's all I need!

My meds have been tweeked. I think I mentioned that in another post.

My friends in the complex invited me over Sat night, I will see how I feel.

One thing that bothers me, there will be no closure really to my situation, except divorce down the road if I can afford it. Even then he probably won't show. Maybe it's all a blessing, I have to think that way. I do not miss him, or lonely for him, just remembering the good times hurt, because it could of been different, no it couldn't with his rages.

I am so sorry for rambling on, venting, I guess I just need to. I am sure everyone is sick of this damn situation. Soon it will be past me hopefully so you don't have to listen to me.

I am worried about leaving my dogs here on Thanksgiving, but it's warm here, so maybe my friends will let me take them and they can play in there yard, because they have a cat.

Tonight I am going to read my magazines, do the crosswords, maybe start a book, and then watch the show Numbers, it's really good.

Okay I will shut up now.

Hugs, Nikko and my zoo.

please please write as much as you need to....rambling is just fine.....hope this forum gives you some kind of release.
you have been through so much and are going through so much.
remember you don't have to put on a brave face
we are all bipolar and just being bipolar is a huge burden to bear but I think it gives us the ability to feel so much compassion because we know what true suffering is first hand...
I formed a vivid picture of your bunnies...it was so sweet...thanks for sharing..gave me a bright spot.
Bobby

I am happy I put a smile on your face, with my bunnies.

I guess being BP and having so much to deal with, or one thing after another, is enough for anyone. Overwhelming to say the least.

Everyone here is so great and supportive, it means a lot to me.

Hugs, Nikko

Dear Nikko,
Keep posting and keep talking to us.
I'm not sick of your situation. It is where you are right now.

Re closure: I'm not sure that we can always get closure when we want it. Maybe time is only thing that helps us let go. Or maybe you can make your own closure ceremony/rituals/activities. I would think that the best thing to do is to be around other people as much as you like and to develop new ways of spending your time......

Good for you for doing your home work and going into court on Monday feeling prepared and in control. You've done everything you can. Everything else is out of your hands -- nothing to worry about now.

Find something nice to do for yourself this weekend.
Mari

((((Nikko)))))

Hi Nikko,

It seems like you and I are going through the same thing. I have a protective oder against my husband for over 6 months now. I feel mostly anger though that my husband treated me so bad and I hardly ever think of the good times with my husband. I admire you for sticking to your guns when you are still having the type of feelings you are. While I still love my husband, the anger I feel at it all helps me get by I think.

I think what helps me when I don't feel so hot, is to get out among people if I can. Even when I don't feel like it.

Here's a hug, {{{{{Nikko}}}}}.

befuddled2

Keep talking...posting...that is what we are here for....talk as much as you want....
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Thanks, my court advocate called me yesterday, she said good on everything I have accomplished, and we are ready for Monday. My DV case mgr said the same thing.

I never did get the tires swiched, it cost too much, so my car will go bye bye next week with the new tires. The tire on my mom's car that went flat can't be fixed, so she still has the little tire on it, I forgot what they call it.

So, somehow I have to get a cheap tire for that, or maybe my neighbor will take off the little tire from her's and switch it to my car. I don't know, can't deal with that today, I still have until Wednesday. I'll figure something out.

They never put the $40.00 (monthly) on my food stamps card, and I was in there on 9/19/06, I keep calling but get an answering machine and nobody calls me back. So, I sent an email.

It's Saturday and it's still early here, having coffee, weather looks cloudy, but that could change. I am tired, I still haven't done laundry, I really need to, it's only one load.

Woke up with a headache, took my furiocet, feel better now. I just feel like chilling out, watching tv if anything good is on, and reading my magazines.

Monday is going to be a long day, since court isn't until 3pm my time. Waiting around all day is going to be anxiety city for me. I wish it was 9am, like the other pre-trials that he screwed up.

Well, that's it for now, I think.
Hugs, Nikko

Please forgive me nikko...but I would think that getting your tires swapped would cost about the same as a new tire...
Maybe you could ask one of your girl friend/neighbors to change them for you?
I hope you get to enjoy your pool there this weekend some...relax if you can....you have worked so hard...
hang in there...
bizi

Yes, your right Bizi about the tires, but since mine are so new, I thought it would be perfect to swap them to my mom's car.

Not happening due to cost. I am going to Discount Tire, see how much they want for a tire, new or retread. Or I am going to ask a neighbor to get that little tire (donut) I just remembered what they call it off my mom's car and put one of my new tires in it's place. Life just sucks sometimes with money and when it rains it pours for sure.

Hugs, Nikko