I just got back from the pharmacy. I thought Halloween decorations bothered me because my husband was so into Halloween.

Then I see Xmas decorations, I could feel the depression setting in. The anxiety is bad enough, the fear, the pain, the financial turmoil.

Down that spiral staircase I go again.



Nikko

Hugs to you my dear....
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

((((((N)))))),



I wish you could have come with me Monday. I went to Nantasket Beach to squeeze out one last day of sunshine and sand and ocean.

I got a tiny bit of sunburn on my face. It was so WONDERFUL to smell the ocean, to feel the sand between my toes. I DID find out that I should take my snow stick with me when I stand in the surf -- my balance is horrendous. Plus, the water was cold. I turned around to make sure no one was futzing with my belly bag or my scooter and this humongous wave can and got me right in the butt. It was COLD

They allow the dogs on the beach after the end of September. I was thinking of you when I saw two of the dogs. There were two guys (not together) with their dogs. One younger man had a poodle dog that liked to chase his special ball. The older man had a collie -- that was part cashew

The young man threw the ball to the poodle. Poodle dog retrieved the ball and ran it back to his owner. Next time, though, the hulking cashew of a collie dog grabbed the ball and ran into the ocean with it.

You should have seen the look on the poodle dog's face. Like: who ARE you?? why are you STEALING my ball?? and what the heck is WRONG with you??

That look was so precious. I was wishing I had remembered my camera. I would have sent you a copy.

You know, I've got too much experience in just about EVERYTHING Just to remind you, the first year after a divorce is the hardest. You remember the things that you did together and miss the 'togetherness'. Halloween is pretty darn special all by itself -- it's my favorite holiday. It's also the month that my Brother offed himself in.

It took be a long time to take back ownership of Halloween. That's what you need to do, sugar. Take back ownership of the things that are special to you.

You've got a lot of people that care about you and love you and are routing for you. Don't throw yourself down the bottom of the pit -- he's not worth it.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

Hi Nikko,
You reminded me that I have yet to drop off my 'scripts. Craaap.

Hold on. Take each step at a time as you have been doing.
Mari

you have had such a very rough year...and you managed to get through it...I don't how but you did it....try to remind yourself that it is the chemistry...can your doctor raise your medications? that might ease some of your symptoms a bit....I find when I try to fight them I get worse.
Can you concentrate enough to read? Ebay is the greatest place to get cheap books if you buy them in lots or i guess the public library. I have been reading a lot of Sandra Brown and still regency romance novels which take me away from the here and now....my world has gotten so tiny but when one wants to survive one does what it takes.
I also always tell myself this too shall pass....and God knows what he/she is doing...and it is for the best....when I am in deep despair, I remind myself that I have gotten out of it before and there is nothing I can do about it.
Are your doggies more attentive to you when you are feeling this way? Can you just cuddle up with them or are you too depressed? Bipolar ain't no fun
Bobby

Oh, the beach I miss, living in the southwest, I have the pool, and the mountains are beautiful. I sure don't miss those New England winters.

The holidays will be tough, I have some crappy memories of them, especially my big S episode one year between Xmas and New Years . Actually my last birthday (not this week one) last year I had another big S episode. My mom was so sick for a year on my birthday last year it hit me hard, she was on her death bed. This year my birthday I cruised through and made the best of it.

Halloween was my husbands decorating thing and all. Thanksgiving my mom and I are invited to my friends house here in the complex. Xmas, well I like Xmas Eve most, I don't know how I will handle that or NY eve. Maybe volunteer in a homeless shelter, I've been thinking about that for Xmas day.

My mom has no problem cooking a roast or making lasagna, she can't do a lot, if I was to volunteer, but then I would come home to dinner with her.

We aren't doing gifts, financially we can't. Unless, I do things like calendars from the southwest or knick knacks to send from here. I did order some real cute Xmas cards from the Humane Society to send out.

I keep dreaming about my mean husband, but in the dreams he isn't mean. Ya know it is hard to just shut off feelings, no matter what the situation, but I know it will pass, because I will never go back to him, he had his 2nd chance and blew it with me.

It's Friday morning at 6am, got up per usual at 5am made a pot of coffee.
Doggies have been out and had there biscuits, playing with there toys now.

Cockateils don't wake up until the sun comes up. My bunnies are so cute since I put them in the same cage, they cuddle so cutely. They love being together, I thought they would fight, but no.

I am all set for Monday, his prior's records from back East, my medical records, him not reporting to jury duty card. His mail that he was supposed to change his address with the post office. His breaking the Order of Protection by picking up his things outside 2 or 3 times. He is off the lease of our rental home, and will be served with my Order prior to going into court. Thank God, I have a court advocate that can talk for me if I feel I can't. I did my homework with the help of my p-doc and my domestic counsler case manager.

As far as reading, I have been reading a lot of magazines. I love to read James Patterson books, need to try and concentrate and get into one of his new books, I am way behind on reading his books that I love.

Looks like only Sunday will be a pool day, tomorrow is going to be cloudy and some rain, but in the SW that could mean for the morning only or a few hours.

I'll be okay, I have no choice, I made it through this far and last year with my mom being so ill for a year. Yesterday just blew my mind in the store seeing the decorations.

I rested most of yesterday. I really need to do laundry this morning, then my mom and I have to deal with her tire and switch my new tires to her car, cause next week they will come for my car.

Dealing with a sinus headache pain and pressure, hope I am not getting a sinus infection or sick. That's all I need!

My meds have been tweeked. I think I mentioned that in another post.

My friends in the complex invited me over Sat night, I will see how I feel.

One thing that bothers me, there will be no closure really to my situation, except divorce down the road if I can afford it. Even then he probably won't show. Maybe it's all a blessing, I have to think that way. I do not miss him, or lonely for him, just remembering the good times hurt, because it could of been different, no it couldn't with his rages.

I am so sorry for rambling on, venting, I guess I just need to. I am sure everyone is sick of this damn situation. Soon it will be past me hopefully so you don't have to listen to me.

I am worried about leaving my dogs here on Thanksgiving, but it's warm here, so maybe my friends will let me take them and they can play in there yard, because they have a cat.

Tonight I am going to read my magazines, do the crosswords, maybe start a book, and then watch the show Numbers, it's really good.

Okay I will shut up now.

Hugs, Nikko and my zoo.

please please write as much as you need to....rambling is just fine.....hope this forum gives you some kind of release.
you have been through so much and are going through so much.
remember you don't have to put on a brave face
we are all bipolar and just being bipolar is a huge burden to bear but I think it gives us the ability to feel so much compassion because we know what true suffering is first hand...
I formed a vivid picture of your bunnies...it was so sweet...thanks for sharing..gave me a bright spot.
Bobby

I am happy I put a smile on your face, with my bunnies.

I guess being BP and having so much to deal with, or one thing after another, is enough for anyone. Overwhelming to say the least.

Everyone here is so great and supportive, it means a lot to me.

Hugs, Nikko

Dear Nikko,
Keep posting and keep talking to us.
I'm not sick of your situation. It is where you are right now.

Re closure: I'm not sure that we can always get closure when we want it. Maybe time is only thing that helps us let go. Or maybe you can make your own closure ceremony/rituals/activities. I would think that the best thing to do is to be around other people as much as you like and to develop new ways of spending your time......

Good for you for doing your home work and going into court on Monday feeling prepared and in control. You've done everything you can. Everything else is out of your hands -- nothing to worry about now.

Find something nice to do for yourself this weekend.
Mari

((((Nikko)))))