I am 21 years old, in college, and have been diagnosed repeatedly with both clinical depression but as ive gotten older therapists and doctors have begun labelling me as baby bipolar (II) which always made more sense. I started taking zoloft when i was 15 and did until the age of 18 when i stopped cold turkey for a year. i drank mildly during my teen years and was in control many times but after quitting zoloft began binging again on alcohol like when i was 14. after a year i returned to taking zoloft which was very hard to get back on and ended up not sleeping for a week and very much considering suicide as i was also extremely ill at the time. my more manic and normal periods come and go and are usually when i get a lot more artwork and writing done but these have slowed down in the past few months and i increasingly believe i will never be able to get over this and will be insane and miserable for the remainder of my life. i have periods of such depression that i can no longer function and end up destroying what little stability i manage to build. i have many friends but spend so much time pretending i am okay i feel even any stability is a futile lie i have created for myself which once i become sad again is not worth keeping. i abuse alcohol quite frequently now-a-days and used to smoke marijuana freqently to make myself feel better. for about a year ive been doing coke infrequently and regret it but can never seem to pull myself away. i usually wouldnt do this sort of thing as i have always felt like every cry for help i make just makes me lose my manhood a little more. i am so emotional and crazy sometimes i cant control it and have managed to ruin every relationship ive ever had. sometimes i end up just searching out casual sex and sleeping with girls i never like or couldnt care less about and sometimes i can no longer look at myself in the mirror. i know no one who is as pathetic as me and i feel ashamed in front of all my friends and family as theyve never understood me. at times nothing matters and i am just digging a hole in the ground for myself and it never ever leaves my mind that i will die in complete misery one day and that my whole life has been a depressive sham. i try so very hard to be kind but do so because i myself am so sad. my periods of creativity are coming so frequently i have become dull and can not paint. i can not draw or write and its all so upsetting and brings me to tears and i just have nothing and its all so frightening and i love life and i hate doing this because words of comfort mean so little and all the pills i have tried never help as much as they should. even if they do i hate being on them because of the sexual side effects and with my drinking it will surely all destroy my liver. i have trouble talking to therapists and their insincerity disgusts me so much i have ceased to try. i despair all day and if i am not despairing when i cant slow my brain down i lie awake and try and distract myself with video games or anything i can pour my mind into till it stops and then sometimes im so dull i hate myself. i just dont know what to do anymore and dont understand why i can never be happy with the things i have and nothing makes me happy. i dont like speaking of these things because it all becomes too disjointed for me to handle and becomes a rambling mess but there it is.

Dear Scenicworlds,
What meds are you on, if you don't mind me asking? If you are on the right meds, you can feel more in control of your moods.

You did a very good job speaking of these things. Keep speaking. Keep asking questions.

I really hope that you can work with a good team (usually a psychiatrist and a therapist) to start feeling better.

You CAN get better. You have made it this far and you can make it the rest of the way.

Mari

DITTO to what Mari said.

Once they get you on the right combo/cocktail of meds, it's only a matter of time before you feel better.

Having a p-doc for the medications, and therapist to talk to will help too. It's important that you like your therapist too, sometimes it takes time to find the right one.

It is time to get some help, make some phone calls, get appointments. I know it's hard, but you can do it.

Nikko

I am sorry that you are so depresssed.
I agree with the others that the time has come for you to try to get a new therapist...someone that you can trust and be able to freely talk without judgement.
Not all meds have the same side effects....
keep posting to us...talk vent post what ever you feel comfortable ...we will try to support you as best as we can.
We have all endured the medicine merri go round...it is very hard finding the right combo of meds...but when you do find it...
Have you tried any of the self help therapioes.
How is your diet? nutrition,
Getting enough sleep?
Making yourself exercise if you can?
all of these and so much more make up the whole treatment plan for any disorder.
I wish you wellness.
bizi

I am not sure what to say. I have been mostly depressed for almost a year. but I try to remind myself this is just a cycle. I am bipolar II. My psychiatrist has tried all sorts of drugs. Right now I am on the antidepressant Cymbalta which might be helping or maybe it is getting time for the cycle to change. You have to tell yourself that it will get better. Try to get as much stress out of your life as possible. Try not to judge yourself and beat yourself up.
don't compare yourself with other people. think of yourself as a hero carrying this awful burden. don't think of it as a punishment....keep on posting when you have the energy
Bobby